Wait, Something Called “The Gronk’s Party Ship” Happened This Past Weekend?
If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.
Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.
If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.
But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:
The bros got mad moves on the #GronkPartyShip. pic.twitter.com/HVBkavtdnB
— James Reed (@jreedwrites) February 20, 2016
Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….”
Pic: Boston Globe/Getty
Dr. Luke Tweets Out A River Of Denial About Kesha’s Allegations Against Him
Dr. Luke went on Twitter today to deny that he got his doctorate at Bill Cosby’s University of Mixology.
Dr. Luke (government name: Lukasz Sebastian Gottwald) signed Kesha to his record label, which is owned by Sony, when she just 18 and she’s currently suing to get out of her contract, because she claims that he repeatedly drugged and raped her. When Kesha lost the latest court fight against Sony and Dr. Luke, he became the most hated monster on Twitter and many people in the music game (from Lady Gaga to Kelly Clarkson who has worked with him before) tweeted their support for Kesha. Even THE MOST POWERFUL WOMAN IN MUSIC, Taylor Swift, donated $250,000 to Kesha. I guess Dr. Luke is trying to save his reputation, because today, his lawyers released a statement saying that Kesha is free to make music without him (but she has to stay on his label) and that all of the allegations against him are not true. His lawyers also said that Kesha’s team has busted out a smear campaign against him on social media and that she’s using dirty tactics to get herself a more “lucrative” contract. That statement wasn’t enough for Dr. Luke, because he defended himself on Twitter and went on and on and on… Welcome to today’s episode of “Not A Good Idea: Tweeting Your Side Of A Rape Allegation.”
Open Post: Hosted By Sacha Baron Cohen’s Crotch Beard
Sacha Baron Cohen has a new movie to sell and that means we all better prepare our loins and retinas for the sight of him serving up his nalgas while dressed in character at movie premieres from London to Liechtenstein. Case in hairy point: At the London premiere of Grimsby, SBC made all of us pull imaginary dick hairs out of ours mouths when he hit the camera with views of his crotch beard, furry ass cheeks and faux pubic mutton chops.
If I didn’t already know what Grimsby is about, I’d look at these pictures of Sacha Baron Cohen in character and think it was about the lost Gallagher brother who moved to the East Coast of the US to fulfill his dream of becoming a mobster’s right hand man, but after that didn’t happen, he moved to Florida and got a job as a swap meet security guard. That hot outfit screams “something you’d see on a shopper at a Walmart in Daytona Beach at 3 in the morning.” The only thing that outfit is missing is a pee stain, but then again, maybe his overgrown crotch shrub absorbed all the bladder juices.
And with all that being said, yes, yes, I’d hit it until his crotch rug gave my ass carpet burns and even then, I’d smear some aloe vera on my cheeks and keep going.
Pics: Wenn.com
Harry Styles? More Like “Stanky Styles,” So Says Kendall Jenner
Since we’re on the subject of dudes that look like they reek of tonsil stones-encrusted dick cheese boiling in a pot of Brad Pitt’s ass crack syrup, here’s a CNN-worthy story about how Pimp Mama Kris’ #3 girl said that the Nick Jr. Mick Jagger could kill an elephant with his nasty stench.
During an episode of the pro-Illuminati docu-series Krapping Up the Kartrashians, dead-eyed Kendull Jenner and dead-eyed Kylie Jenner had riveting conversation about how her friends with PR benefits partner Harry Styles is Pig Pen’s stank hero. via The Daily Mail
Speaking to her youngster sibling Kylie Jenner, 18, in an upcoming episode of their family’s E! reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians she said: ‘I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.’
And this isn’t the first time Harry has been told by a girl that he stinks, as his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift – whom he dated briefly in 2013 – claimed she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him when they were dating because he had ‘the worst breath.’
Now I’m not saying that deodorant doesn’t immediately snap back into its container when it gets near one of Harry Styles’ juicy pits, but I don’t think Kendull is the one to properly judge the scent of a human. Look at what she’s around a lot of the time. Most of her family members look like they smell like car paint, new plastic and the blood of Satan. Not to mention that they’ve most likely had every single one of their pores filled in with spackling paste and Botox, because pores are fugly! So whenever Kendull inhales the scent of anything that’s remotely human-smelling, her nostrils close up and she gets the heaves. Kind of like what you do whenever you see a Kartrashian post!
Pic: Wenn.com
Johnny Depp Wants You To Know He Doesn’t Smell Like A Hobo
My nose has never smelled Johnny Depp in person. The closest scent association I have for Johnny Depp was the time I sat behind a person who kept ripping popcorn butter farts during Black Mass. But if I had to guess what he smelled like, based on several years worth of pictures of Johnny Depp looking like something that crawled out of a truck stop shower drain, I’m picturing a blend of cigarettes, bed head, pennies, damp toothbrush, and however you’d describe the contents of a clothing donation bin. Sort of like a mix between 7-day camping trip and porch couch.
However, according to Johnny Depp, I’m way off. Johnny was at the 2nd Annual Beauty Awards (no, not as part of a surprise makeover) on Sunday to present the 2016 Fragrance of the Year award to the Dior perfume he gets paid to wear, and UsWeekly says he educated everyone on what Johnny Depp smells like. As it turns out, Johnny Depp smells the exact opposite of how you think he might smell.
“When I met people they said, ‘You do look like a hobo, but you smell really good.’ And goddamn it, I smell really good!”
Johnny says he owes his not-hobo smell to that Dior perfume and says he really enjoyed helping to create it. I bet the first day in the fragrance lab was really a whole lot of fun for everyone. “Wait, so you’re telling me I could spray this stuff all over my body and no one will be able to tell that I haven’t showered since last Wednesday? Wow, I wonder what will science come up with next.”
Here’s Hollywood’ Sexiest-Smelling Hobo Vampire at the Beauty Awards last night. No word on whether that “smelling really good” situation also applies to his breath, but those crusty teeth of his are telling me that’s probably a hard no.
Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com
Lea Michele’s Ex-Gigolo Boyfriend Dumped Her
Lea Michele (or as Dlisted idol Jessica Lange calls her, “Wall.“) is apparently filled with the sads because she’s not longer getting filled by that hot piece of hooker man named Matthew Paetz. Lea’s rep confirms to People that Lea is no longer humping on her gigolo turned dating coach boyfriend after nearly 2 years together. There goes my dream of these two getting married by Matthew’s fellow gigolo (and the jerky-fied adonis) Brace The Face. Damn both of them for that!
People’s source said this about how Lea’s dealing with the break-up:
“Lea is surrounded by her friends, who have rallied around her and support her. She’s doing fine, focusing on her work, her music and her album.”
Just last month, the try hard pose master and her dude did some lukewarm stage 1 “canoodling” at a basketball game (see: pictures below) and she also squirted out a geyser of happiness about him during an interview on PodcastOne’s Fempire show. Lea said that she was extremely happy with Matthew and she knows her late boyfriend Cory Monteith would approve.
A different source tells UsWeekly that Matthew is the one who did the dumping and it left Lea spiraling into a puddle of sadness on the floor where she sang an acoustic version of her idol’s song “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.” The source says that Matthew had enough. The source doesn’t say what he had enough of. (SPOILER ALERT: He had enough of Lea randomly singing Barbra Streisand songs any chance she got.)
“He had enough,” the insider tells Us. “She was completely crushed.”
And the odds for reconciliation are zero. “He won’t take her back,” the source adds.
Lea Michele probably learned an extremely valuable lesson. She learned that you should always pay all of your bills on time. Because if you keep saying, “Eh, I’ll have my accountant pay it next week,” every time a late notice from your hot hooker man lands on your bedside table, he’ll eventually have enough of it and will repossess his peen from your fuck part before sending you to collections. But seriously, this is sad news for us eyebrow aficionados. Because the phrase, “A couple that plucks and threads together, stays together,” is obviously not true.
Pics: Wenn.com