Catherine Scalia, a hot dog water-covered rose of Long Island, was a Hot Slut of the Day in 2012, because she truly embodied everything that’s great about this country. We’re known for our natural beauties, entrepreneurial spirit, hot dogs and well-priced hand jobs. Catherine Scalia (no relation to Antonin, I think) became known as The Hot Dog Hooker when an undercover cop arrested her after she tried to sell him a wiener massage in the truck she sold hot dogs out of. It was a sad moment in the history of this country, because if you can’t sell a hand job in a hot dog truck in America, where can you? The Hot Dog Hooker later pleaded guilty to the charge. Being one of this country’s most promising entrepreneurs landed her on the cover of Forbes Magazine. Or maybe it was Whores Magazine. I get those two confused all the time. Well, one of my favorite American business women is baaaaaaack and is up to new tricks!
Fios1 says that The Hot Dog Hooker’s prude ass neighbors in East Rockaway, NY are trying to kill another one of her genius business ventures. The Hot Dog Hooker (or “The Hot Dog Honey” as she prefers to be called) has got a pillow with the words “Topless Lap Dance” written in red marker lying on a swing in her front yard and her neighbors say it’s trashing up the neighborhood. Some of the more dramatic neighbors claim they can’t sell their houses because of it. The Hot Dog Honey’s lap dance pillow billboard (that kind of looks like it was written by the kid in The Shining) looks like this:
It’s perfection. I’d be happy to have a work of elegant art like that in my neighborhood. But The Hot Dog Honey’s neighbor’s want it gone. One neighbor claims that she had a similar sign on her house and he had to use a ladder to get it down. Another neighbor is disgusted and is afraid her kids are going to see it. Their complaints to the city led to officials dropping a warning in her lap. They warned her that if she doesn’t remove her pillowy lap dance sign, they’ll drag her to court. The Hot Dog Honey doesn’t know what the problem is. It’s just an arm rest and she’s lived in that house since birth and nobody’s bothered her before.
“It’s an arm rest! It’s just, something I wrote. I’ve been here 50 years, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. I’m 50 years old, okay. My neighbors know me for 50 years. Nobody has a problem with me.”
The Hot Dog Honey did add that, yeah, she gives lap dances, but it’s really just belly dancing and she does it for a donation!
When are all of these bitches going to stop messing with The Hot Dog Honey’s impeccable ho game? First, the hating cops ruined her brilliant hot dogs ‘n hand jobs business. And now her hating neighbors are trying to ruin her at-home lap dance empire? They should be holding her up as the ho shit hero she is! The Hot Dog Honey is a more honorable business person than a certain hemorrhoid who is currently the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination. And yes, that is my way of saying that The Hot Dog Honey should be president. Nothing would make me squirt out a tear of American pride like seeing a pillow advertising for topless lap dances on the front lawn of the White House.
The local news report about The Hot Dog Honey is after the cut. Warning: It auto-plays and if that doesn’t kill you, the charisma and grace of The Hot Dog Hooker will!
Lea Michele (or as Dlisted idol Jessica Lange calls her, “Wall.“) is apparently filled with the sads because she’s not longer getting filled by that hot piece of hooker man named Matthew Paetz. Lea’s rep confirms to People that Lea is no longer humping on her gigolo turned dating coach boyfriend after nearly 2 years together. There goes my dream of these two getting married by Matthew’s fellow gigolo (and the jerky-fied adonis) Brace The Face. Damn both of them for that!
People’s source said this about how Lea’s dealing with the break-up:
“Lea is surrounded by her friends, who have rallied around her and support her. She’s doing fine, focusing on her work, her music and her album.”
Just last month, the try hard pose master and her dude did some lukewarm stage 1 “canoodling” at a basketball game (see: pictures below) and she also squirted out a geyser of happiness about him during an interview on PodcastOne’s Fempire show. Lea said that she was extremely happy with Matthew and she knows her late boyfriend Cory Monteith would approve.
A different source tells UsWeekly that Matthew is the one who did the dumping and it left Lea spiraling into a puddle of sadness on the floor where she sang an acoustic version of her idol’s song “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.” The source says that Matthew had enough. The source doesn’t say what he had enough of. (SPOILER ALERT: He had enough of Lea randomly singing Barbra Streisand songs any chance she got.)
“He had enough,” the insider tells Us. “She was completely crushed.”
And the odds for reconciliation are zero. “He won’t take her back,” the source adds.
Lea Michele probably learned an extremely valuable lesson. She learned that you should always pay all of your bills on time. Because if you keep saying, “Eh, I’ll have my accountant pay it next week,” every time a late notice from your hot hooker man lands on your bedside table, he’ll eventually have enough of it and will repossess his peen from your fuck part before sending you to collections. But seriously, this is sad news for us eyebrow aficionados. Because the phrase, “A couple that plucks and threads together, stays together,” is obviously not true.
TMZ says that nearly a year after Cory Monteith died of a heroin overdose, Lea Michele has thrown her cooch back into the game and is supposedly humping on life coach/massage therapist Matthew Paetz who apparently used to sell his ass and dick under the name “Christian” for the escort agency Cowboys4Angels. (His profile was taken down today.) Some of the hos from Cowboys4Angels starred in Showtime’s greatest achievement “Gigolos” but Matthew Paetz wasn’t one of those hos. The writers of Glee must be declaring themselves the Miss Cleos of this generation, because last season Lea’s just as annoying character dated a ho. This makes sense, because most tricks would need a stack of hundreds to deal with Lea yodeling out a Barbra Streisand song when she orgasms.
According to TMZ, Matthew whipped his leased peen out for $350 an hour (or $6,000 a weekend or $17,500 a week) as recently as April, but that might’ve been the last time he turned tricks. Matthew stopped hooking when he started dating Lea. UsWeekly says that they met a few months ago when he was in her video for “On My Way.”
I’m sure Lea will say that she’s only dating Matthew Paetz as research for when she eventually plays the Barbra Streisand role in a remake of Nuts (because in Lea’s delusional mind, she’ll eventually play all the Barbra Streisand roles in all the remakes of Barbra Streisand’s movies).
You know, I’m all for getting dick anyway you can get it, but bitch must be on a serious budget. Because if money was no object and she truly wanted the hottest piece that money can buy, she’d sell her house, sell her cars and empty out her savings accounts to the buy the Statue of David of Cowboys4Angels. She’d treat herself to some BRACE THE FACE!
There’s a reason why the deep fried, chewed-up, dragged-through-the-mud Ken Doll is always making a “You can’t afford this ass” face, because most hos (see: Lea Michele) can’t afford that ass.
And they would have had all 4, but Kris Jenner wasn’t able to reschedule her appointment with Satan (it’s tax time and he’s suuuuper busy). So it was just a greasum threesome between frightening lifelike praying mantis Anna Wintour, human basket of kittens Kanye West, and the heavily-sedated slow-roasted turkey leg know as Kim Kardashian. Anna, Kanye, and Kim all went out to celebrate successfully pulling off the world’s most elaborate and rotten April Fool’s prank by going out for dinner and bathing in the blood of a sacrificial ram slaughtered beneath the pits of Hell. I’m just speculating, of course; I didn’t actually see them eating dinner.
Some of you may be looking at Kim and wondering what in the name of The Sock One would posses someone to go out for a fancy dinner in nothing but her underwear and a dining room table runner. It’s just Kim’s way of reminding everyone that just because her kurdled milk ass has graced the cover of a high-class magazine like Vogue, she’s still the same old hooker-looking call girl you know and love. For more information regarding pricing and services, please contact Pimp Mama Kris at 1-800-KIMPIMP.
Here’s more of the Triad of Terror out for dinner last night. I’m having trouble trying to figure out exactly what color Kim’s sausage casing is, because it’s not quite green and it’s not quite brown. Hideous taupe? Is hideous taupe a color? Rotten tuna caught in a net of trash? Hold on, let me get out my 64 box of Crayolas…
I was going to put money on Lindsay Lohan being found in a seedy motel at the age of 95 when her time came, surrounded by cigarette butts and with so much coke on her face it looks like Johnny Knoxville high-fived it, but if Paris Hilton gets her way, Lindsay will be found with a stiletto in her back the size of a Greenpeace boat much sooner. Last night, Paris’s brother Barron posted a pic of his busted face following the beat down allegedly orchestrated by Lindsay and possibly carried out by a dude named Ray Lemoine. Paris posted a comment vowing payback.
Oooh, nobody fucks with a Hilton! (“We wish”- The Center For Disease Control, Herpes Division.) Normally, I wouldn’t side with Paris on anything, but if she can get some form of punishment to stick to Lindsay’s Teflon-coated no-ass, I’d at least acknowledge that she was able to succeed where the California justice system has failed 937 times.
While Paris lounges in Miami with Brandon Davis, flipping through her 2005 “Bitches Who Had My Back” scrapbook for allies, Lindsay posted a picture of herself on Instagram using the hashtags “#honestfunandfriends” and “(good people) and no more bad folk” but deleted it within half an hour. Bitch should go on the road and do stand up talking about that shit because she wouldn’t know honesty if it showed her the money beforehand!
The whoring of the one who showed her nipples on Instagram is right on schedule!
Since Kim Kardashian’s expiration date as Pimp Mama Kris’ highest-earning prized pig is coming up, PMK is working overtime to groom KendallKylieKukaWhatever Jenner and get her ready to take over as the family’s new headlining ho. 18-year-old Kendall went to dinner in West Hollywood with one of Taylor Swift’s leftovers, 19-year-old Harry Styles, last night. The sound of PMK squirting over all the attention these pics are getting is drowning out the sound of all the Directioners bawling while punching their eyeballs out in their playpens. But you know, Kendall has a long way to go before she completely transforms into Kim Kartrashian 2.0.
The Daily Mail has a few pictures of Kendall’s face, but in the pictures from the photo agency I get shit from, she has her head down and is covering her mug. She could be that demon girl from The Grudge (no disrespect to that demon girl from The Grudge) or Steven Tyler for all we know. I wouldn’t know she was one of those Jenner things if the photo agency didn’t tell me. Once PMK finishes celebrating these staged photos by cackling while dancing on the bones her sacrifices, she’s going to punish this girl.
The second a Kardashian or a Jenner or a whatever (see: Khloe) is pulled out of PMK’s body, the first thing she asks the doctor is, “Who cares about that healthy stuff, did it find the light with its face and smile at the camera?” The first rule of being a Kartrashian is: always make sure the goddamn camera gets your face. Hiding your face from the camera is a serious Kardashi-sin. It’s as sinful as the time that I was playing with the remote in my abuelita’s room and accidentally hit the off button while she was watching her novelas. The Jesus hanging on a crucifix above the TV pulled his hands off of the cross so that he could cover his eyes. He knew something serious was about to go down.
So I’m sure that sometime today, PMK is going to drag Kendall down to the plastic surgery clinic in their basement and get a rod permanently installed below her chin so she can never drop her head again. That’ll teach that trick!