My nose has never smelled Johnny Depp in person. The closest scent association I have for Johnny Depp was the time I sat behind a person who kept ripping popcorn butter farts during Black Mass. But if I had to guess what he smelled like, based on several years worth of pictures of Johnny Depp looking like something that crawled out of a truck stop shower drain, I’m picturing a blend of cigarettes, bed head, pennies, damp toothbrush, and however you’d describe the contents of a clothing donation bin. Sort of like a mix between 7-day camping trip and porch couch.
However, according to Johnny Depp, I’m way off. Johnny was at the 2nd Annual Beauty Awards (no, not as part of a surprise makeover) on Sunday to present the 2016 Fragrance of the Year award to the Dior perfume he gets paid to wear, and UsWeekly says he educated everyone on what Johnny Depp smells like. As it turns out, Johnny Depp smells the exact opposite of how you think he might smell.
“When I met people they said, ‘You do look like a hobo, but you smell really good.’ And goddamn it, I smell really good!”
Johnny says he owes his not-hobo smell to that Dior perfume and says he really enjoyed helping to create it. I bet the first day in the fragrance lab was really a whole lot of fun for everyone. “Wait, so you’re telling me I could spray this stuff all over my body and no one will be able to tell that I haven’t showered since last Wednesday? Wow, I wonder what will science come up with next.”
Here’s Hollywood’ Sexiest-Smelling Hobo Vampire at the Beauty Awards last night. No word on whether that “smelling really good” situation also applies to his breath, but those crusty teeth of his are telling me that’s probably a hard no.
Ever since Johnny Depp landed in Australia to film Pirates of the Caribbean 5, it’s kind of been nothing but a mess. First he busted up one of his 5-pronged silver ring holders (aka his hand). Then he went missing. Then when he came back, he illegally smuggled in his two Yorkies with him, and they ended up spending some time on house arrest before they were deported back to the US. Johnny high-tailed it out of there again last week and while some thought he left because he heard Australia might send his ass to jail for sneaking in his dogs, he actually went home for his daughter’s 16th birthday.
Well, Johnny’s back in Queensland, Australia to start filming Pirates again, and one of the first things he did after waiting an hour for Australian police to search his plane for stowaway Yorkies was to prove he’s still an ok guy by dressing up as Captain Jack Sparrow and taking some pictures with a bunch of fans. And he looked pretty happy while doing it, too.
At least I think that’s Johnny Depp’s happy face. I’m really just basing this off of what I think Johnny’s face would look like if his fairy godmother opened the door to a warehouse filled floor-to-ceiling with millions of dirty vintage scarves and said “They’re all yours, Johnny – every last one of ’em. Go ahead buddy, give ’em a sniff – they all smell like cigarettes and piss, and no two stains are the same.”
Here’s more of Johnny arriving on set and doing a meet-and-greet with his fans. According to one fan who was there, she was so starstruck she couldn’t remember what she said to him. Yeah, that’s not starstruck; that’s just what happens when you stand next to Johnny Depp’s toxic sewer hobo hair for too long.
Last Night, recently knocked up Kim Kardashian and kurrent husband Kanye West went to the CFDA Fashion Awards. I don’t know if it has something to do with Kim’s heavy metal genital warts dress or that my computer is just trying to give me a message, but every time I typed CFDA Fashion Awards, it kept autocorrecting to CDC Fashion Awards. Since I’ve already had a long hard talk with my computer about “that rash down there” being the result of purchasing a Groupon to a place called Ripper’s Discount Waxing, it’s probably in reference to Kim’s dress.
UsWeekly says that Kim’s dress is Proenza Schouler, but it also looks like something I would have made in a lazy attempt to get a Girl Scouts crafting badge using a garage sale Bedazzler and a pair of old nylons. Whatever it is, at least now I know what it looks like when a Transformer fucks a dirty Deceptacon and 3-to-5 days later realizes those bumps on his robot dick aren’t ingrown wires.
Here’s more of Kanye and Kim, who told Extra she felt “like shit” (cue all the “Yeah, and you look like…” jokes), and that the lucky fetus in her body gets to live in there until December. Yes, I said lucky – imagine how comfortable all that silicone and stuffing surrounding Kim’s body has made her womb? It must feel like sleeping in a Tempur-Pedic cocoon.
If you said “A definitely stoned hipster-looking dirtbag dinosaur?“, then you’d be correct! Jimmy Kimmel Live! is in Austin, Texas this week for SXSW, so Jimmy Kimmel released a weed-scented smoke signal into the air or opened an extra-large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos or whatever you do to summon Matthew McConaughey. And once he arrived on his magical flying bongos, they filmed a bunch of fake commercials for a VHS rental place in Austin called Vulcan Video.
It all happens around the 3:17 mark, and watching the Texas T-Rex in his natural habitat (a parking lot) will get you extremely second-hand high, so you might want to crack a window before you press play:
Now, I’m not sure if Jimmy Kimmel asked Matthew McConaughey to really Matthew McConaughey it up, but he’s full awraiight-awraiight-awraiight. Almost too awraiight; there were some moments when I was positive he’d thrown a handful of bath salts into his bong before they started rolling.
I also get the feeling that Jimmy Kimmel didn’t have to call him up and ask if he wanted to shoot some fake commericals; I bet they showed up at Vulcan Video one day and discovered Matthew McConaughey all bearded and scraggly wandering aimlessly through the aisles with a beer in one hand and a half-eaten burrito in the other, and he was all “Oh hey, a camera! Want me to do some of them talking words for you? Just lemme run out to my truck real quick so I can change into my good hat.”
That weird wooshing sound you just heard was every human on Earth GASPING in shock after hearing that Leonardo DiCaprio mouth humped on a person who wasn’t a 20-year-old bony panty model type. I bet even as it was happening, Rihanna was like “Welp, this is clearly the first sign of the apocalypse; time to say goodbye to my loved ones.”
According to UsWeekly, Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na hooked up, mouth-wise, at a party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night while RiRi’s song “Pour It Up” was playing. Fitting, considering that rubbing against Leo’s musty bed bug beard mouth would make anyone want to pour an entire bottle of Listerine into theirs. However, one of Leo’s friends tells TMZ that it never happened. Sure, Lukas Haas, whatever you need to do to calm down all the heartbroken thong models aboard the S. S. Snatch Catcher.
And to double up on the randomness of this whole situation, MediaTakeOut says that Rihanna is knocked up with Leo’s dirtbag sperm. Well, we all know that’s a lie, since it’s common knowledge that Leo’s wiener can’t get hard unless the pussy it’s about to enter smells like Victoria’s Secret vanilla body splash and a 3-catalogue contract.
But maybe they weren’t kissing. I mean, RiRi isn’t exactly Leo’s type; yes, RiRi has been on the cover of VOGUE and she likes to take pictures in her underwear, but Leo is more of a random boat hos kind of guy now. Also, RiRi is 26, which as we all know is waaaaaay too fucking old for Leo. Maybe RiRi was just checking Leo’s beard for stray cigarettes or an extra pair of panties or something. Or maybe she confused his face for a giant dried bud and she was trying to smoke him (that’s got to be it).
Before I get into Sarah Paulson’s dress, I need to tell the story about the time I had bedbugs. Two years ago, the apartment building I was living in had an outbreak of Satan’s dingleberries (aka bedbugs) and I was one of the lucky ones who got them. I only had 4 or 5 bedbugs move in with me, but they were not as cute as that “Goodnight, sleep tight” rhyme makes them out to be. Even though an exterminator came in and murdered those little fuckers, I was still super paranoid that they’d come back. Every night I thought I could still feel them crawling on me, so I started wearing socks and mittens and a balaclava to bed to make sure they didn’t crawl on me, but I was still too paranoid to sleep.
Eventually I got into sleeping pills, but my dumb ass didn’t do any research and I ended up using some shit with a low-dose of heroin, which meant I was even more paranoid. It got to the point where I had convinced myself the bedbugs were living under my skin (yes, I went full-Lohan) and was forced to go to a friend’s place in the country to dry out. And she searched my bag when I got there, too! Bitch was acting like she was running a low-budget Betty Ford. Anyways, I got over my phobia of bedbugs and only have the odd nightmare now.
But once I saw Sarah Paulson’s Emmy dress, it was like American Horror Story: BEDBUGS and all my fears came crawling back. Those little red dots remind me of bug bites and bugs and that black mesh looks like it feels like bugs crawling on skin. I literally just deep-scratched my arm. Part of me wants to take a cold shower, and the other part of me wants to high-tail it to Rite Aid to see if I can’t find some over-the-counter bad shit. Not cool Sarah! Your dress should come with a trigger warning!