When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.

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Kevin the Robot has made his last lonely visit to jail. [Robot voice] “Thank god. I was getting a little tired of being asked to smuggle in cigarettes in my battery slot.” According to TMZ, Dustin Diamond’s four-month trip to jail is over. Screech from Saved By The Bell went to jail back in January for stabbing a dude with a switchblade at a bar in Wisconsin in 2014 and got four months behind bars for it. But Screech won’t serve all four months, because Screech has been a good boy. (Ew, did I just type a sentence more barf-making than Screech’s sex tape? Maybe.)

Higher-ups at the Wisconsin jail where Dustin Rhinestone was held tell TMZ that Dustin was released one month early for “good behavior.” Why do I get the feeling that “good behavior” is code for “he was annoying our asses just as much as he used to annoy the gang at Bayside.” No, apparently Screech got a month of jail time deleted from his sentence by cleaning floors and doing laundry. I guess this is technically the first time Screech didn’t stick around long past his expiration date (see: Saved By The Bell: The New Class), so good for him?

No word on what Dustin has planned now that he’s been released, but I’m hoping it doesn’t involve stabbing anyone else at a bar with a switchblade. Maybe the Hot Sundaes will help him stay on the straight and narrow (or whatever road doesn’t end with poo porn and knives) by hiring him as their tour manager. Or maybe he could mentor future has-beens on the dangers of knife play. “Trust me, Iggy Azalea, it’s not worth it!”

Pic: Wenn.com

Florida Day Spa! (BYO shampoo, conditioner, and body scrub. Or use dirt.) – bellaluna

Upvote winner:

Scrub your tits on Route 66. – tim

Pic: Break

Ivan, a 21-year-old yodeling adonis from Belarus who wants to perform ass crack-out naked with wolves at Eurovision!

If a trick wants to stand out at Eurovision, they sometimes have to reach for the fuckery stars and really bring the foolery. Well, Ivan may find himself reaching for his dick dangling out of a wolf’s mouth after she mistakes it for a sausage while he’s performing next to her naked. Eurovision, the singing competition where countries in Europe bring your acid trips to life, is taking place in Stockholm, Sweden next month and if Belarus gets their wish, they will fart up some Dancing Singing With Wolves ridiculousness onto the stage.

The BBC says that Tarzan’s Belarusian second cousin twice removed at the dry bar will sing a song called “Help You Fly” at Eurovision, and he’s been rehearsing his planned performance with real wolves, one of which is named Shakira. Ivan says that he’s performing in his all-natural state next to a wild animal, because he wants to give the audience a heaping serving of nature. No, he wants to give the audience a heaping serving of some STUNT QUEEN stunt shit. Because there’s nothing natural about putting your bare peen next to an animal with chomping teeth who may bite at your ass to stop you from singing a rejected Daughtry song into her poor years.

Here’s some clips from Ivan’s rehearsals with the wolf friends, and the BBC claims that the wolves biting at him is part of the act…. This is going to end well.

Actually it may end before it really starts. Eurovision doesn’t let animals perform on stage. A rep for Eurovision also said that it’s a family-friendly show and they don’t think that twink Fabio performing in the nude is appropriate. Eurovision is pretty much one-long PSA that endorses LSD and acid use, but yet they hit the “THINK OF THE CHILDREN” button over nakedness. Okay…

So this is most likely just a PR move to promote Belarus’ entry, and I’m all for it. Any stunt that involves peen is a stunt that works for me. Although, I wish they would’ve released the un-blurred footage of his bits from rehearsals before Shakira gets hungry for a snack and bites at ’em.

Beverly Cleary (100)
Saoirse Ronan (22)
Jessie James (28)
Brooklyn Decker (29)
Ilana Glazer (29)
Brendon Urie (29)
Matt McGorry (30)
Brian McFadden (36)
Claire Danes (37)
Jennifer Morrison (37)
Marley Shelton (42)
Claudia Jordan (43)
Christina Moore (43)
Shannen Doherty (45)
Retta (46)
Art Alexakis (54)
Magda Szubanski (55)
Vince Gill (59)
Andy Garcia (60)
Pat Travers (62)
Flavio Briatore (66)
David Cassidy (66)
David Letterman (69)
Ed O’Neill (70)
Herbie Hancock (76)

Pic: BeverlyCleary.com

Irina Shayk posted this subtle and completely natural picture on her Instagram page, and I know it’s hard to see past her trapped TITS, but Bradley Cooper is behind her. If you listen closely, you can almost hear the sound of a team of publicists and body language experts telling them how to sell it good to the camera – Lainey Gossip 

I see that LeAnn Rimes is as pleasant as ever and getting herself some new fans – Celebitchy

Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice are probably not going to get to bump grifting fuck parts in a conjugal visit room anytime soon – Reality Tea

So here’s a picture of humanized question mark Rita Ora playing the piano while naked – Drunken Stepfather 

Future is so far in Ciara’s past that she won’t say his name – Jezebel

A trailer for that Harry Potter prequel is out – Towleroad

Three words: ROXETTE IS BACK! – Boy Culture

Panty Creamer of the Day: A topless Jason Momoa moaning and groaning while doing exercise stuff – Just Jared

Whoever picked the music for Suicide Squad obviously humps the Wayne’s World soundtrack CD on the regular – The Superficial 

Pictures of a topless Miley Cyrus looking very Florida circa 1985 have leaked – (NSFW) The Nip Slip

Vanessa Hudgens relaxes in Miami before putting on her Native American headdress and denim chonies to grace Coochella with her presence this weekend – Popoholic

I wish every dog who was left in the car by their human could pull this move – Hollywood Tuna 

Iggy Pop and his cockatoo: the love story of our time – Pajiba

Err…maybe Leonardo DiCatchAHo had a herp sore… – HuffPo

Okay, but why isn’t that water frozen? – Popsugar

When a nerd falls in love with a nerd… – The Berry 

Pic: Instagram