Who Is April’s Hot Slut Of The Month?
It’s about that time to vote on who will join the dog that robbed Joan Collins of her title, Flossie Dickey and Birdie Sanders in the Hot Slut of the Year finals next year. March’s HSOTM showdown is going to confuse the hell out of those of you who only vote for the animals, because we’ve got zero animals this month. We’ve got a librarian who knows how to threaten me with a good time, two sparkling stars in the Prince universe, balls from the 80s I wish I could get teabagged by and a future style icon.
As always, 3 of your choices got the most Facebook likes for the month of March, and the fourth pick is the wild card picked by me. Of course, I picked the piece who knows that you can never go wrong with a crop top. Here’s your choices:
– Margaret Miles, the self-proclaimed “stereotypical librarian” from Jeopardy! who earned a zillion fans by saying that her idea of a fun time is knitting and petting her cats.
– Diamond and Pearl, the 90s precious gemstones who were a part of Prince’s jewelry box of muses.
– Planters Cheez Balls, the 80s balls of fake cheese deliciousness that is still stuck to the roof of some of our mouths.
– Ezekiel Elliott, the NFL’s new midriff king!
The winning HSOTM will be announced next week. The losers will all hold a press conference where they’ll admit defeat before elbowing their spouse in the face.
Rachel Roy Might Soon Find Herself Facing The Wrath Of The Beyhive Again
While Jay Z is reportedly busy working on a reponse to Lemonade (working title: Lemonade Stand By Your Woman If She’ll Still Let You), the first alleged Becky may have written some emails about Bey-Z that will be released soon. Except it won’t be on purpose, and it will probably make this situation even messier.
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Rachel Roy is sweating a little more than usual today. A source claims that Rachel has recently informed her friends that a whole bunch of private information has been stolen from a file on her computer. Some of that information includes emails that she’s afraid may get her a whole lot of unwanted attention if they get out. No word on how they were stolen or by whom or if several CCT security cameras have recently caught a woman in a yellow coffee filter dress and a ski mask slinking around Rachel Roy’s building.
The source doesn’t get into what’s in those emails that could possibly make so much trouble for Rachel. Rachel has already denied that she ever did anything with Bey’s husband, so it can’t be dirty emails from [email protected], right? Maybe she’s freaking out because some of those emails are between her and someone else’s husband? Or maybe those emails contain information far more humiliating and shameful, like a whole bunch of emails informing her that no one has accepted her LinkedIn invitations yet.
Regardless of what kind of incriminating evidence is in those emails, Rachel might want to grab a few extra epi-pens or whatever you use to treat bee stings. If I know The Beyhive, it doesn’t take much to set them off. “This email is addressed to a Jayden Zander. Jayden Zander is totally an alias for Jay Z! DEFEND THE QUEEN!”
Pic: Wenn.com
Open Post: Hosted By Harry Styles’ Causing A Directioner Meltdown With His Chopped-Off Locks
Yes, that is a picture of Harry Styles’ cut-off hair. Believe it or not, it’s not a picture of an electrocuted rat or Mr. Hankey in a fur coat made of frazzled horse hair.
A highly important moment in hairstory happened recently when Harry Styles became Not-As-Harry Styles by taking a machete to the glorious split ends wonderland on top of his head. Harry posted a picture on Instagram of his hand holding onto what looks like a dehydrated pony’s tail that is in dire need of an IV drip full of Gatorade. Harry posted this caption with the pic:
Whoops. #Littleprincesstrust
The Little Princess Trust is like Locks of Love. It’s a charity that gives real hair wigs to children with cancer.
I’m wondering why Harry didn’t auction off his hair and give the money to charity instead. There’s definitely thousands upon thousands of Directioners who would sell everything they own and steal from their own family members to buy it. Maybe Harry didn’t do that, because he knows what kind of sucio things they’d do to his hair. I don’t even know to know, but I’m assuming it involves Googling the question, “What type of resin do I use to turn a ponytail of hair into a dildo?”
And here’s pictures from earlier this year of Harry Styles’ stunning mane of Crisco beauty. RIP Harry Styles’ hairy fall of greasiness.
Pics: Wenn.com
Brody Jenner Is Getting Married
“Let me no if u need n e help turning yr wedding in2 an expensive spectacle! I’m pretty shure I still got at least one of my wedding planning binders around here sumwhere.“…is a text Brody Jenner might receive from his former step-sister Kim Kardashian if they were on speaking terms. Who am I kidding? She’s too busy popping bottles of sparkling Botox in honor of Blac Chyna getting their family ten tons of attention today to know about Brody’s news.
Back in the mid-to-late 2000s it felt like Brody Jenner – who was still just Brody Jenner of The Hills and not Brody Jenner of That Awful Family – dated everyone. He was linked to Kristin Cavallari, Nicole Richie, Lauren Conrad, Jayde Nicole, Avril Lavigne, Paris Hilton, and Haylie Duff. Brody’s penis has seen more mid-to-late 2000s famous cooch than a Kitson dressing room. But for the past three years, he’s been with a chick named Kaitlynn Carter. And earlier today, he announced on Instagram that they’re getting married.
“On May 4th 2016 I got engaged to my lover and my best friend @kaitlynn_carter. I couldn’t be more in love with this woman and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Oh gross, “lover“? Can you get an engagement annulled? No, using the word “lover” isn’t that bad. It’s not good either, but whatever. It does make sense that Brody would call Kaitlynn his “lover“, since their thing is fucking a lot.
No word on when this wedding will happen, or if it will be taped for a very special episode of KUWTK or I Am Cait. But let’s be honest, it totally will. I hope Brody’s future wife is ok with her wedding to turn into the ME ME ME! show starring Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, and the rest of the Krew (if they’re invited). I know your name starts with a K, Kaitlynn, but as long as there are kameras around, it’s not your day.
In the event you’d like to see what the front of Kaitlynn’s face looks like, here she is with Brody at an event in Las Vegas a few months ago.
And Kylie Jenner Will Get Knocked Up In 3…2……
You better slip on a pair of extra thick heat-resistant socks before you put your feet on the ground, because the flames of Hell are probably shooting up high as Lucifer celebrates the fact that his proudest creation Pimp Mama Kris is getting another family member to pimp out.
Blac Chyna is knocked up and is growing a Keeping Up with the Kardashians spin-off show and a Twitter trending topic in her silicone-encrusted womb, and she was planning to make the announcement on Mother’s Day. But someone decided to beat Angela Kardashian to the STUNT QUEEN punch and called up TMZ. Hmmm, I wonder who did that? Kut to PMK whispering her latest attention-getting news into Harvey Levin’s ear while sipping their morning cup of piping hot virgin’s blood together.
TMZ’s sources say that months ago, Blac Chyna straddled her fiancé Rob Kardashian’s naked body, pushed back his FUPA and he humped a baby into her. She’s apparently a few months knocked up. She’s already got a 3-year-old son named King Cairo with Tyga.
After TMZ broke the news that PMK is going to be somebody’s grandma for the 6th time, Blac Chyna pretty much confirmed it by burping up this on Instagram:
Blac Chyna recently posed for photo-op selfies with Kylie Jenner and PMK, and she hung out with Kim Kartrashian not too long ago, so it looks like they all made up for the sake of the child that’s going to get them even more attention. Touching, I know.
And if Wite Chyna (aka Kylie Jenner) ever marries the tattooed salamander (aka Tyga), King Cairo and Rob and Blac Chyna’s unborn baby will be cousins AND siblings, right? It’s Friday and I don’t need to bruise whatever is left of my brain on trying to figure that out, so can someone please update that Kardashian flow-chart?
Here’s pictures from over a week ago of Rob, Blac Chyna and Kim hitting the ho stroll in Beverly Hills to celebrate the creation of Koryea Kardashian. (You know that’s what Chyna is going to name their child.)
Pics: Wenn.com
The Year Is 2016 And I’ve Written A Post About Kenny Chesney Being The Second Biggest Money-Maker In Music
It feels like I haven’t written about Kenny Chesney since the Renee Zellweger days when their 6-minute-long marriage ended in “fraud” and he blamed it on his “box” being too full at the time and not being able to handle all of the attention from the media. I don’t know if Kenny’s box is still full, but I do know that his bank accounts are overflowing with dollars the same way your panties are overflowing with twatty leche from looking at that picture of him in that hot sleeveless T.