Sorry, Argentina. I’m sure you really wanted to see Justin Bieber’s “I need to make pee pee” dance moves, but it’s not going to happen any time soon. Earlier today, Joel Osteen Jr. took advantage of Tim Horton’s generous free WiFi to tweet a tour update. The South American dates for Bieber’s Purpose World Tour haven’t been announced yet. But according to Justin, it doesn’t matter how many people scream “COME TO BRAZIL’S NEIGHBOR!” at him on Instagram, his lawyers have recently told him that he won’t be going to Argentina.

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Kristen Stewart and SoKo, the French singer who dresses like the youngest member of Kids Inc., stopped getting into some hipster clit wrestling with each other a few weeks ago, and it looks like KStew has rebound from her rebound with her ex-piece Alicia Cargile. Kristen and Alicia are currently in Cannes, as is SoKo. I don’t know how you say,”hipster lesbian love triangle alert,” in French, but I’m sure it sounds sexy and fancy.

While looking like the Bushwick version of Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres going to a funeral, KStew and Alicia went to the screening of American Honey at Cannes yesterday. They also held hands last night and Alicia carried KStew’s Vans for her. So either Alicia is back to being KStew’s assistant, or they’re back to fucking, or both. KStew and Alicia broke up sometime around October of last year, and then her coochie moved on to SoKo. After KStew and SoKo broke up, SoKo seemed to accuse her of cheating and passing her poon to another.

And now they’re all at Cannes together!

I see that Kristen Stewart still thinks she’s the real-life Shane from The L Word and I’m sure we’ll soon hear about how she’s Arianna Huffington’s hairstylist now and also fucked a mother and a daughter (please don’t let it be Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah). And since SoKo seems like she’s on the wrong side of crazy, the people at Cannes better put on plastic hooded ponchos, because the grease is going to fly when those three tussle on the red carpet.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Apparently Ruby Rose has more in common with Justin Bieber than just delicate faces and a love of random tattoos. On Friday, Ruby Rose, from Orange is the New Black, was kicked out of a bar in New Orleans. Ruby Rose was kicked out after she got into a fight with bar staff and assaulted them with french fries.

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TMZ has put Sinead O’Connor’s face on a milk carton by reporting that she is missing and police in Wilmette, Illinois are looking for her and believe she’s suicidal. Not today, 2016, not today.

Sinead went for a bike ride in Wilmette, which is a suburb of Chicago, yesterday and when she never came back, someone called the cops. Sinead was on a motorized Raleigh bike with a pink basket on it, and she was wearing a black parka, black leather pants and a sweatshirt with “Ireland” on the back of it. An alert was sent out to the police officers and they classified Sinead as “missing suicidal.” Sinead is apparently staying with friends in Wilmette and the alert says that she went for a bike ride at around 6 in the morning yesterday.

Early yesterday morning, Sinead posted an open message on Facebook to a “Jake.” Jake is the name of Sinead’s 28-year-old son, so this message was probably for him:

Jake, kindly go to the court on Tuesday and take custody your brother from Tusla. My lawyer will be making the illegal way yourself and Donal got him into Tusla (lying to the cops etc) known to the judge. expect to be in trouble. In fact you’d best bring a lawyer of your own. And do not abandon your brother or any other of my babies again. What you have done to your brother and your mother is LITERALLY criminal.

Sinead is currently in a long custody fight with her ex Donal Lunny over their 12-year-old son Shane. On Friday, she wrote an open letter to Shane where she told him that she’s trying to him out of “care” and advised him to get his own lawyer to fight Tulsa. Sinead was also recently sued by Arsenio Hall (or “Arse-inio” as she calls him) for saying that he was Prince’s bitch and pill supplier. And last November, Sinead was found safe after she said in a Facebook status that she had taken an overdose. And hopefully she’s found safe this time too.

UPDATE: Just when I was about to scream at the police in Wilmette to drag Arsenio Hall into the station for questioning, Sinead has been found safe and she’s no longer listed as a missing person. Now she can get back to fighting the good fight by telling us about the trials and tribulations of the difficult brown and hating on the real enemy: Kim Kuntrashian.

Pic: Wenn.com

Most people in Hollywood either defend alleged child raping tape worm Woody Allen (see: Woody Allen’s forever homegirl Diane Keaton) or brush off the allegations as “shit you read in the Weekly World News next to a story about how Ted Cruz is really Bat Boy in a melting Dick Tracy mask” (see: dried drool stain Kristen Stewart), but Susan Sarandon is not most people. Susan shit on Woody Allen again. And I know, using “Ted Cruz is really Bat Boy” as an example of a crazy rumor doesn’t work, because that’s probably 100% fact.

When Dylan Farrow accused Woody Allen of sexually abusing her as a child in an open letter to the world, Susan said in an interview with The Daily Beast that she had “issues” with him because of his creepy ways. And at a Cannes Film Festival event yesterday, Susan continued to spit at Woody. During the Kering Women in Motion Talk, which focused on the 25th anniversary of Thelma and Louise, Susan was asked what she thought about Woody Allen swatting away Ronan Farrow’s op-ed piece. Susan kept her thoughts to herself at first, but eventually said what no other actor in the game will dare to say. via The Guardian

Sarandon at first appeared to shut it down: “I have nothing good to say about Woody Allen, so I don’t think we should go there.”

Pressed to elaborate, Sarandon said: “I think he sexually assaulted a child and I don’t think that’s right … It’s gotten very quiet in here, but that’s true.”

Susan went there, but she should’ve went all the way there. She should’ve pulled her hair back, asked Geena Davis to hold her piss yellow pearl necklace (Side note: That Chlamydia pearl necklace needs to visit the free clinic.) and gone totally in. You can’t say, “I have nothing good to say about Woody  Allen,” and then not say it all. We all want to hear every word of it. Susan was at the Cafe Society premiere, so she should’ve said it then to Woody’s face. There’s still time, Susan. Make that turtle retreat back into his shell! Throw salt on that sail! Get that trick, Susan!

And here’s more of Thelma and Louise at yesterday’s panel:

Pics: Wenn.com

“Oi, why is your assistant standing over in front of an airport limo with my name on it holding a gift bag and my luggage? Crap, I think I remember reading something about this in the chapter on termination in my famous person’s girlfriend welcome manual.”

According to The Sun (via Page Six), Henry Cavill’s nine month long relationship with a 19-year-old British college student named Tara King is over. Congratulations, everyone who gets damp for Henry Cavill, you can go back to catcalling him in public again! Sources say that Henry dumped her. Apparently she’s “devastated” because Henry was “the love of her life.” If it makes her feel any better, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of aspiring famous person girlfriends who are just as devastated. I mean, he took her to an Oscar afterparty; does that mean nothing anymore?

Said sources also claim that Henry’s breakup included the classic “…but we can totally still be friends.” Apparently that meant that Tara was still allowed to come to Henry’s 33rd birthday party at the beginning of the month. Inviting the teenage girl you just dumped to your birthday party? That’s definitely not a recipe for an awkward dramatic night. I wonder how many sloppy drunk locked-bathroom door screaming fights happened every time she caught him talking to another just-legal blonde.

I wouldn’t cry for Tara just yet. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Henry Cavill receives a text from Ben Affleck saying: “Hey, so is it cool if I get her number? I’m trying to fix shit with my wife, but you know – in case that doesn’t work out.” And I say, go for it, Tara! Get that Lexus. Reach for the famous person girlfriend stars.

Pic: Wenn.com