Jennifer Aniston Has Had It With All The Pregnancy Rumors
You could probably wallpaper the Great Wall of China two times over with a different tabloid cover claiming that forever lonely moth ball of a sadling Jennifer Aniston has finally gotten knocked up with the fetus she’s been dreaming of her entire life. We’ve been hearing about what’s going on in Jennifer Aniston’s womb for centuries, and if she never has kids, we’ll probably see the words “Jennifer Aniston Knocked Up With Miracle Quads At 100!” on the cover of Closer Weekly in 53 years. Jennifer has said before that the tabloids fart up nothing but lies, and she’s made fun of the pregnancy rumors in ad for SmartWater. But Jennifer is done laughing about all the 5 billion rumors about her uterus, and she has shit all over the tabloids in an essay for the Huffington Post. Oh how I wish I could hear the “Bitch, really?” that a tabloid editor will spit out the next time Jennifer’s PR team calls up asking for a favor….
What Kind Of BDSM-Loving Billionaire Would Wear Swim Trunks Like This?
The third and final movie in the Fifty Shades series called Fifty Shits Freed is still shooting, and yesterday wet piece of cardboard Dakota Johnson and chiseled wooden block Jamie Dornan got into their swim chonies to shoot a beach scene in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France.
I’ve only read about 25 pages of the first book and I haven’t read the other two, because if I want to put my eyes on dumb raunch and trash, I’d read my own blog posts. So I have no idea if there’s a scene in Fifty Shits Freed where that Christian Grey dude and that Anastasia chick go on a beach vacation and decide to try to fit in with the tourists so she buys a shit-fitting, factory-defective bikini from the J. Crew outlet and he buys swim trunks from L.L. Bean. That would explain what they’re wearing.
Everyone always says that Hollywood is ran by Jewish men and gay men, but the latter is obviously not true. Because Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t wear a crotch flap in The Legend of Tarzan, and Jamie Dornan wears baggy dad trunks in this Fifty Shits wreck. Besides, Christian Grey is a billionaire and everyone knows that when billionaires go to the beach, they wear this (but one made out of actual $100 bills):
See, this is why the Fifty Shits books and movies can’t be taken seriously. They’re so not realistic!
Pics: Splash, Budgy Smuggler
Open Post: Hosted By St. Vincent’s Mourning Hipster Version Of “Thank You For Being A Friend”
As with everything, my thoughts about this are best expressed through the face that our Patron Saint of Life, Bea Arthur, is making.
The only covers of “Thank You For Being A Friend” we need are Betty White’s death metal version and the porn version, but indie nymph St. Vincent decided that the ears of the world really needed a version that’d make you want to drop your forkful of cheesecake, go out to the lanai, lay down on the tiles and wait for the earth to swallow your body whole.
St. Vincent took “Thank You For Being A Friend” sucked every milliounce of joy out of it and stuffed it with a hundred hipster frowns. Since I think of everything in terms of dick, if “Thank You For Being A Friend” was a peen, it’d be a tall, hard, happy one and its lips would always be smiling. St. Vincent transformed it into a soft, cold, grey, depressed one who is always lying on its owner’s thigh and only lifts its head to groan at the sunshine. Listen and weep:
I remade the “Golden Girls” theme song into a dirge. #thankyouforbeingafriend pic.twitter.com/1UaKx6oGgk
— St. Vincent (@st_vincent) July 11, 2016
No, there are no words in St. Vincent’s dirge cover, but if there were, one lyric would go like this: “And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew, you would see me creeping everyone out by crying in the corner while petting your cat.”
The hell kind of GD Golden Girls theme song is that?!
The most played song in my iTunes is a song by Atomic Kitten, so I’m not the one to be judging music, but no to St. Vincent’s cover. If I ate a whole cheesecake, put on a silky caftan and farted into a recorder while standing in front of a fan, it would probably sound more like “Thank You For Being A Friend” than St. Vincent’s version does. I guess that’s the point, but she should still be jailed for that!
The good news for St. Vincent is that when Hollywood eventually stomps on what’s left of our souls by turning the Golden Girls into a depressing drama directed by Lars Von Trier, her cover can be used for the closing credits.
Dr. Phil And His Wife Are Suing The National Enquirer For $250 Million
I always confuse the National Enquirer with the far better and much more reputable Weekly World News. So naturally when I read the headline above, my mind immediately went to Dr. Phil calling up his lawyers after reading the headline WALRUS WEARING SUIT SPOTTED KISSING WOMAN WEARING HUMAN MASK. But that’s not the situation we’re dealing with today.
Martha Stewart Thinks You Lazy Ass Millennials Need To Grow A Tomato Plant On Your Terrace!
If you were born between 1980 and 2000 and don’t live in your own apartment and don’t regularly make your own marinara sauce using tomatoes from the tomato plant on your terrace, then Martha Stewart looks down upon you as a lazy piece of useless trash!
Sharon And Ozzy Osbourne Are Reportedly “In Love” Again
A little over two months ago, news broke that Sharon Osbourne’s 34-year marriage was over for real this time after she allegedly caught Ozzy Osbourne cheating on her with her hairdresser. About a month later, Kelly Osbourne got involved by barking at Ozzy’s homewrecking hairdresser on Twitter, followed by denying that her parent’s marriage was in the trash.
Well, it looks like Kelly might be right. Not only are Sharon and Ozzy still together, but an insider (which I’m hoping is Sharon’s dog Rocky working hard for an extra Snausage) tells UsWeekly says that they’ve “fallen in love again.” Apparently Sharon and Ozzy’s marriage has been saved by couple’s therapy, and it’s all cartoon cupids and heart-shaped arrows now.
When Sharon talked about her split from Ozzy on The Talk back in May, she said that she couldn’t “keep living like this,” but she wasn’t sure if things were going to end in divorce either. I don’t know what the hell happened during those couple’s therapy sessions that would make someone go from not wanting to live “like this” with someone to skipping in slow-motion through a field of wildflowers with them. Maybe Sharon realized she just couldn’t live without the mumbled nonsense coming out of Ozzy’s ventriloquist dummy mouth. Maybe she couldn’t bear to think of opening the front door at the end of a long day and not seeing Ozzy there banging someone on the payroll. Who knows.
Here’s Sharon at an X Factor event on Saturday in London. She’s wearing a ring on “that finger“, but it doesn’t appear to be her wedding ring. My guess is that Ozzy has her wedding ring and is using it to size an apology ring (“What have you got in this size that says I love you and I’m sorry for banging my hairdresser?“). In between mugging for the cameras, she also cracked a smile. I’m sure that’s just a “happy to be not breaking up” smile on her face, and not the diabolical smirk of a stunt queen genius.
