Martha Stewart Thinks You Lazy Ass Millennials Need To Grow A Tomato Plant On Your Terrace!

July 12, 2016 / Posted by:

If you were born between 1980 and 2000 and don’t live in your own apartment and don’t regularly make your own marinara sauce using tomatoes from the tomato plant on your terrace, then Martha Stewart looks down upon you as a lazy piece of useless trash!

Martha Stewart would yell at you youngins’ to get off her lawn, but you’re never on her lawn, because that would require pulling your lazy body off of your parents’ couch. Martha did an interview with Luxury Listings and they got to talking about how companies, hers included, are trying to get that millennial money. Martha thinks that millennials have the initiative of a passed out sloth and don’t care about getting an apartment, let alone decorating one with her products. While safe in her own little bubble, Martha burped this up:

“I think every business is trying to target millennials. But who are millennials? Now we are finding out that they are living with their parents. They don’t have the initiative to go out and find a little apartment and grow a tomato plant on the terrace. I understand the plight of younger people …. The economic circumstances out there are very grim. But you have to work for it. You have to strive for it. You have to go after it…

I got married at 19 and I immediately got an apartment and I fixed it up. I was very proud of everything I did. I got the furniture at auctions for pennies. Beautiful furniture. My apartments were lovely and homey and comfortable.”


Martha continued to stroke her own ego by saying that restaurateur David Chang once told her that millennials don’t know how to grow spinach or plant a tree, and she’s the one who can show them the way.

Many millennials don’t have time to grow a stupid tomato plant because they’re too busy trying to sell their ass on the stroll since there’s no jobs out there and their student loan debt doesn’t shrink on its own. But fear not, millennials! Martha Stewart is here to show you the way. If you can’t afford an apartment with a terrace to grow a tomato plant on, just get yourself a stock broker friend and ask them to give you a few “tips.” Wink wink. Follow Martha’s lead, children!

And here’s Blake Lively, the Annie Wilkes to Martha’s Paul Sheldon, struttin’ out of her NYC hotel while dressed like Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie if Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie was a 1950s housewife. I bet Blake has a whole damn tomato field on her terrace.

Pics:, Splash

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