All together now! “How can you just leave me standing? Alone in a world that’s so cold? (Soooooooooo cold!)”

Like the first and second nights of the Republican National Convention, the third night provided more messy awkwardness than bareback ass sex between two people on a juice cleanse. The inspiration for the Trollface meme, Ted Cruz, got the BOO BITCH treatment when he refused to officially endorse the prolapsed hemorrhoid clinging to the inside of his party’s butt walls. Laura Ingraham was accused of pledging her allegiance to Hitler. And Vice Presidential nominee, Mike Pence, stamped “return to sender” on the air kiss that Donald Trump blew at him.

After Anti-Gay Silver Daddy Pence spoke to the people, Donald Trump came out to greet him. Apparently, it’s tradition for the candidates to join hands and do a congratulatory double fisting into the air. But either Trump is continuing to shit on tradition or he’s an old-fashioned romantic, because he skipped the fisting and instead tried to plant an air kiss on Pence’s face. Even though the former (sad face) Trump/Pence logo has gone all the way and got into some p-hole creampie fun, Mike Pence is not ready to go to first base with Trump. This isn’t exactly “Trump motorboating Mayoress Rudella Giuliani” levels of awkward, but it’s up there.

Video: The Trump-Pence air kiss https://t.co/sp3R1Vp8go

— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) July 21, 2016

That’s like a cross between a “kissy fish trying to eat food that’s not there” and a “fresh-off-the-bus innocent ingenue awkwardly giggling at the creepy movie producer who has promised to make her a star, baby.”

And it’s way too early in the day for me to check and expose my eyes to that, but has anyone (read: Ted Cruz) yet Photoshopped Tiny Trump in Mike Pence’s left hand?

Pic: Getty

The last time we checked in with Kate Hudson, she was coming off a long casual thing with Nick Jonas and wrapping herself around football player J.J. Watt. That was three months ago. Kate’s groupie coochie may have gotten nostalgic for that music industry peen, because according to UsWeekly, she’s once again seeing someone with a recording contract.

A source tells UsWeekly that Kate Hudson is currently dating DJ and former Twitter troll Diplo. The half of Diplo that’s “half straight” allegedly got together with Kate Hudson in Ibiza a few weeks ago when he was playing a club and she was vacationing with some friends. UsWeekly can’t say for sure when they officially met, but as you can see from the picture above, they’ve been friendly since at least the Met Gala back in May.

Kate’s people haven’t confirmed if she’s doing Diplo. Diplo’s people, on the other hand, have flat-out denied he’s remixing her business.

Even if Diplo’s people are right and they’re not humping, they really should. Kate dating Diplo makes so much sense, it’s almost creepy. They’re both blonde. They’re both 37-years-old. They both have two sons. They even have a “Taylor” connection: Kate used to be the face of Ann Taylor, and Diplo once tried to get a butt for Taylor Swift.

In the event they are actually dating, I don’t know why Diplo would want to deny that. His last sort-of maybe-relationship eventually took his too-old-for-this ass to Taylor Swift’s metaphorical high school locker hallway. You’d think he’d be happy to tell people that he’s going on the kind of dates that don’t end with him slowly driving past Kate’s arch enemy’s house while she ducks down in the front seat asking “Can you see her? Is she being the worst? I bet she totally is.”

Pic: Splash

Taylor Swift ceremonially enters her third trimester in the womb, circa 1989. – Dolores

Upvote winner:

The birth announcement read: “Dear friends and family, we are so happy to welcome arson into the world.” – Shadeball

Pic: Tosh.0

Crispy Wheats n’ Raisins cereal!

Because one of my goals is to put the Hot Slut of the Day stamp of dishonor on every single cereal that was born in the 80s (or in this case, the late 70s) and is no longer with us anymore, today’s HSOTD is the crispy deliciousness that was supposed to take out Raisin Bran as the forever reigning Emperor of Raisin And Flakes Cereal. General Mills put Crispy Wheats ‘n Raisins cereal on shelves in 1979, because they wanted to give the people a cereal that didn’t turn into a soggy swamp of morning sadness five seconds after leche touched it. General Mills bragged that unlike Raisin Bran, their wheat flakes cereal wouldn’t ever look like something found in a used-up diaper.

The flakes in CWNR cereal were “honey touched,” so they supposedly didn’t get soggy. And I’m pretty sure that the CWNR cereal commercial from 1986 starred Margaux Kramer, the third best Punky Brewster character after Cherie and Brandon.

Crispy Wheats ‘n Raisins cereal was sent to the cereal morgue sometime in the early 90s, because people would rather shovel spoonfuls of raisin-filled wheat diarrhea into their mouths than honey touched crispy flakes. Not even the approval of Margaux Fucking Kramer could save it and if that couldn’t save it, nothing will. And on a different note,  “Honey Touched,” said in a dramatic whisper like in the commercial, is a good drag name.

(For Ramon)

Paloma Faith (35)
Rory Culkin (27)
Chelsie Hightower (27)
Juno Temple (27)
Jamie Waylett (27)
Diane Guerrero (30)
Vanessa Lengies (31)
Blake Lewis (35)
Justin Bartha (38)
Josh Hartnett (38)
Damian Marley (38)
Jaime Murray (40)
Alex Reid (41)
Ali Landry (43)
Charlotte Gainsbourg (45)
Alysia Reiner (46)
Brandi Chastain (48)
Jon Lovitz (59)
Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens (68)
Janet Reno (78)
Norman Jewison (90)
Kay Starr (94)
Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Pic: Murray Chalmers

Mila Kunis told Howard Stern that she boned Ashton Kutcher on the first night they kissed for real and he was supposed to only be a fuck buddy. Howard is one of the best interviewers in the game, but I lost a little journalistic respect for him when he failed to ask Mila if Brittany Murphy’s joke about Ashton’s supposed small peen is true. Howard would’ve been a shoo-in for a Peabody Award if he asked her that! And yes, I’ve grown from a 13-year-old into a 14-year-old because I didn’t call it a Peenbody Award   – Lainey Gossip 

Rose McGowan’s nipple knobs want to get into a staring contest with you – The Nip Slip 

Oh, you know, it’s just a fully naked Miley Cyrus looking like a new money cholita who just rolled around in unicorn shit – (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Cher opened the eyes of the people to Kate Hudson’s alleged scamming ways – Celebitchy

Goopy Paltrow is still steaming her cooch, and by now you’d think she’d be onto something new like having it laundered by an 85-year-old Polish lady by the river before 5 Tibetan monks gently blow it dry – The Superficial

Disappointment IS me thinking this was Jocelyn Wildenstein before realizing it was just Caitlyn Jenner talking again – Towleroad

NeNe Leakes and Cynthia Bailey are going to be on Cupcake Wars – Reality Tea 

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice got an honest trailer – IDLYITW

A thing that is going to happen: Kristen Dunst will direct Dakota Fanning in The Bell Jar – Jezebel

Kristen Bell is serving Studio 54 cosplay and I don’t hate it  – Popoholic

Rita Ora is serving 2005 JLo and I hate it – Hollywood Tuna 

Twitter brought down the ban hammer on a Troll King for encouraging his followers to throw racist shit at Leslie Jones – Pajiba

Nothing can touch the comedy gold of Melania Trump doing Melania Trump but Laura Benanti came close – Boy Culture

Here’s Adam Goldberg wearing a one piece made of suds – OMG Blog 

Anton Yelchin’s Star Trek role will not be recast – Just Jared

This Overboard GIF gallery really does belong in a museum – Popsugar

Pic: Splash