Famous and non-famous people are hit with death threats and racist shit all the time on social media (example: Leslie Jones), but when poor, little permanent damsel in distress Taylor Swift gets viciously attacked with threatening and scary snake emojis, Instagram drops EVERYTHING to protect her snowflake feelings and crumbling image as America’s sweetheart.

After Kim Kartrashian pulled the sheep’s clothing off of Taylor Swift by exposing her as a liar in several Snapchat videos, Tay’s Instagram page started to look like the inside of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satanic ritual chamber. The comment section of her Instagram posts got covered with zillions of snakes, and instead of laughing it off while enjoying her riches (aka making her low-ranking squad members exfoliate her skin with crushed diamonds and shredded bills), she cried to the principal. Instagram eventually sprinkled reptile poison all over Taylor’s page and the snake emojis disappeared. And now The Times (via The Drum) says that Instagram has given Taylor’s team a tool that allows them to commit hate comment genocide.

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“Whassat ’bout a bump? Yeah, gimme one of them. Better make it a double cause I (inaudible mumble) fink I’d (inaudible mumble) hahahah….Shaaaraaaaaaan.”

A few weeks ago, sources were whispering that Sharon Osbourne’s heart was once again beating for her estranged cheater husband Ozzy Osbourne. It sounded like there was a chance that Sharon and Ozzy might not make their latest split a permanent thing after all. Until then, Ozzy hadn’t commented on the status of his relationship (he left that up to Kelly Osbourne, who informed everyone that her parents’ marriage wasn’t done). Ozzy’s finally talking about the latest drama between him and Sharon, and the drama’s over, everyone. Move along, nothing to see here.

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Jennifer Aniston received a lifetime achievement award in Italy this weekend, and not for Dealing with a Lifetime of Pregnancy Rumors from the Italian branch of the International Society of Supermarket Tabloids. It was just a plain old lifetime achievement award from Europe’s largest children’s film festival, the Giffoni Film Festival.

Because it would have been rude of Jennifer to show up, grab her lifetime achievement award and a couple sfogliatelle from the catering table, and hop back on her private jet, she answered some audience questions. If my teen self got to ask Lifetime Achievement Award Recipient Jennifer Aniston a question, it would probably be for an itemized list of every designer Rachel Green wore during all 263 episodes of Friends. The children and teens of Europe are much more mentally deeper than I was at their age, because The Hollywood Reporter says they asked serious questions about gender equality and bullying.

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It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.

LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.

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I’m not even going to make you guess what it was for, because I’m 99.9% sure that everyone who read that headline just said “For fighting someone, right?“. Although to be honest, guessing that Katt Williams got arrested for fighting is right up there with answering “Yes” to the question “Is cheese delicious?” on the list of Questions With Truly Obvious Answers.

TMZ says that Katt Williams, seen above working The Nolte for the latest mugshot in his collection, was arrested for battery of a female employee at the Sportsman’s Lodge restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA on Sunday morning. This marks the second time this year that Katt Williams was arrested for beating down an employee at a restaurant, was accused of whooping a woman, and the second time this month that he’s gotten into trouble. Does Katt Williams have a Times I’ve Fucked Up punch card he’s trying to fill?

The details of the fight are kind of murky. All TMZ really knows is that a female employee alleged that Katt Williams attacked her. According to police, the employee had visible minor injuries and was pretty adamant that they arrest Katt for battery. How the alleged fight started, no one can really say. But since it’s Katt Williams we’re talking about, do we really even need a reason why? I’m sure Katt Williams himself doesn’t require a reason to go full-Katt Williams on someone.

Katt was taken into custody around 2:40pm and was released around 6:30pm after posting $20,000 bail. And before Katt walked out the door of the police station, he turned to the booking officer and started belting out “We’ll Meet Again.” That didn’t actually happen, but I like to think that one of these days it will.

Pic: Los Angeles County Sheriff

Sick and tired from years of CPR training, Resusci Andy now requests that you blow elsewhere. – perky

Upvote winner:

A rare image of the bathrooms at the RNC – Cinnamongirl

Pic: Izismile