If you own a cat in England or Scotland, beware. There’s a phantom cat shaver on the loose! Some strange person with an apparent cat hair aversion is wandering the streets of the UK, giving felines a shave and a haircut without their permission. Local pet lovers and authorities are baffled, and, unfortunately, the perpetrator is still on the loose. I wish this story were an April Fool’s Day joke because no pussy should involuntarily go hairless!

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Remember when Elon Musk was forced to buy Twitter for billions even though he was joking about buying it in the first place but then pretended he wanted to own it all along so that he could create a platform that promoted free speech. Instead, he slowly broke it (while also slowly becoming broke) because he kept trying to make people like him? From messing with the algorithm to charging spammers users $8 for a coveted blue verification tick, Twitter is somehow still around despite Elon’s genius ideas. And even though his Twitter Blue subscription model isn’t going as well as he hoped, the Boss Baby is doubling down on the concept. Twitter recently announced that legacy verified users would lose their blue ticks unless they pay up by April 1^st. Unfortunately for him, the plan is going about as well, using dank memes to win Grimes back.

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Before Meghan Markle and Prince Harry told THEIR TRUTH in a multi-part Netflix docuseries, his memoir Spare, and to anyone who puts a mic in their faces, they told THEIR TRUTH to Oprah in 2021. During that interview, Meghan said she was raised as an “only child.” Well, Samantha Markle, daughter of Meghan’s father, Thomas Markle, and Meghan’s half-sister, used that to file a defamation lawsuit a year ago. Samantha’s lawsuit claimed that Meghan was telling lies when she called herself an only child. A few months after the lawsuit was filed, Meghan’s lawyer filed to dismiss it, saying that Meghan was talking about her own impressions of her own childhood. And in February, it looked like the judge was going to throw Samantha’s lawsuit out. That’s what happened this week.

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After a jury sided with Team Goopy in Gwyneth Paltrow’s ski crash trial, one juror piped up to give her reason why she thought Terry Sanderson was the one at fault. Juror No. 11 said that she went back and forth during the trial but eventually decided that Goopy didn’t have a reason to lie. And yes, her reason had to do with Goopy being famous. The juror said, “She’s always in the spotlight so she always has to be honest.” HAHAHAHA! That juror definitely doesn’t go here (aka the internet). Now that Juror No. 11 has said that Goopy could never be deceptive, I’m sure that Goopy herself is going to slide up and try to sell the juror a bridge butt ozone therapy sessions,  useless healing stickers, overpriced coochie eggs, extra-virgin cold-pressed organic snake oil, etc., etc… – Just Jared

Here are all the looks from last night’s GLAAD Media Awards, and the soundtrack to this post is the sound of Christina Aguilera’s chichis screaming for mercy as her sequined vampire gown squeezes the life out of ’em – Tom + Lorenzo

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