The American Music Awards aired on CBS last night in order for you to have something to talk about with your weird cousin Trisha over Thanksgiving weekend. The AMA’s are the perfect empty vessel in which to hold your familial conversational obligations. That said, a few attendees did come to slay. Like Hailee Steinfeld, who, thanks to that leather bra and sharp shoulder pad situation, is seen giving you The Bodyguard starring a young Joan Crawford.
Macklemore Announced That He’s Going To Be A Dad By Posting A Video Of His Fiancee Getting An Ultrasound
And today I learned that Macklemore’s real name is “Ben”. Yes, I thought his government name was Macklemore, and no, I’m not smart. Yesterday there was a rumor going around that Macklemore, the Gus from Recess-looking rapper than Drake hates, had knocked up his fiancee Tricia Davis. And today, rather than releasing a statement confirming that yes, his boner did in fact make a baby, he’s decided to prove it to us by releasing a sappy video of their first ultrasound. Aw, listen to me being a cynical bitch; it wasn’t that sappy. Sure, the music sounded like it was ripped from a Thinking of You Christian e-card, but the rest is sweet. It’s the miracle of life, starring that dude from the “Thrift Shop” song!
Now, I’m not sure if I’m in the minority here, but ultrasounds always give me the creeps. Not the actual ultrasound pictures – I like those. They look like someone took a baby alien to the mall and propped them up inside a SketchExpress photo booth. It’s that weird gel they use on the stomach. I don’t know why they coat your gut in grease, but they do, and it always makes it look like the nurse is using a stud finder on a roast turkey, and I am NOT into it. I’m getting the heaves just thinking about my stomach covered in that much slime (“Prude” hissed all the sluts at home).
On Wednesday night, Drake hosted the ESPY Awards (who won? Basketball won, I dunno) and even though he’s no longer rolling around the halls of Degrassi High, he still managed to bring the bitchy high school drama. During an original song titled “Honorable Mentions/Side Pieces”, Wheelchair Jimmy yanked on his emergency brake and left a set of skid marks all over Macklemore’s Grammy win for Best Rap Album by singing “Real talent doesn’t always win championships, like real music doesn’t always win Grammys” as a giant picture of Macklemore was projected behind him.
No, you didn’t fall into a time suck: the Grammys happened six fucking months ago, and Wheelchair Jimmy already threw a bunch of shade at Macklemore back in February. And I was fine with it then, but not now; Drake has NO RIGHT calling anyone out while wearing a pair of linen capri pants and a floaty casual tunic from Chico’s. Drake looks like he’s auditioning for the lead role in a Nancy Meyers movie. Bitch looks like a human hot flash.
Thankfully Drake dried his tears long enough to film a sketch with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers called “Drake vs Blake (or Blake vs Drake)”, which was funny for the first 2 minutes and 4 seconds, but then Chris Brown’s ugly malnourished weasel mug popped into frame and I stopped laughing:
Chris Brown was pretending to be a surgeon who was about to operate on Drake. Makes sense – he’s a pro at putting people in the hospital.
And RIP to Normal Guy Dave, because the second Drake described Blake Griffin as looking like “a black guy that jumped into a pile of Cheetos”, Britney Spears told him she’s found someone new and began frantically searching the internet for a giant net and the location of the Clippers locker room.
Over the weekend, Fraggle Rock’s #1 rapper and Phil and Lil’s long-lost triplet from Rugrats wore that messy costume to a show at the EMP Museum in Seattle and as Mel Gibson gave him a “well played” slow clap, many people, including Seth Rogen, squatted and shat on him for doing himself up as a Jewish caricature to rap out a song about saving money. Shortly after Macklewhore got hate for his anti-Semitic drag act, he tweeted that it was just a random costume, and last night he wet farted out a long explanation where he said that it wasn’t his intention to make fun of Jews and he just wanted to wear a stupid disguise. Macklewhore wasn’t trying to clown on Jews, he just doesn’t know what Jewish caricatures look like. While his high school history teacher was teaching the class about Nazi caricatures, he was busy staring at the puddle of drool that dripped out of the side his mouth onto his desk. That’s all.
Macklemore started his statement by saying that he wanted to show up to the EMP Museum show in a disguise and so he put one together using a random wig and a huge nose he bought at a costume shop. When Macklemore looked in the mirror, he saw Ringo Starr and Abe Lincoln (???) and nobody told him this wasn’t a good idea.
As it turns out the fake noses they sell at the costume store are usually big (my nose didn’t fit most of them). So I ended up with a big witch nose. I went with a black beard, because that’s the furthest color from my natural hair. Disguise was the intention. I personally thought I looked very ambiguous in terms of any “type” of person. Some people there thought I looked like Ringo, some Abe Lincoln. If anything I thought I looked like Humpty Hump with a bowl cut.
We showed up to the event, I hit the stage in the outfit, rocked two songs, took pictures and went home. We had a great time and it was fun to be a surprise guest in a costume. I’ve always loved dressing up and have been doing so my entire career. The character I dressed up as on Friday had no intended cultural identity or background. I wasn’t attempting to mimic any culture, nor resemble one. A “Jewish stereotype” never crossed my mind.
Now that he mentions it, he kind of does look like Humpy Hump with a bowl cut and that’s the closest he’s ever come to being hip hop. But seriously, Macklemore went on to explain this mess some more and it sounds like he’s more concerned with ruining his G-rated image as your second grader’s favorite rapper.
My intention was to dress up and surprise the people at the show with a random costume and nothing more. Thus, it was surprising and disappointing that the images of a disguise were sensationalized leading to the immediate assertion that my costume was anti-Semetic. I acknowledge how the costume could, within a context of stereotyping, be ascribed to a Jewish caricature. I am here to say that it was absolutely not my intention, and unfortunately at the time I did not foresee the costume to be viewed in such regard. I’m saddened that this story, or any of my choices, would lead to any form of negativity.
I will let my body of work and the causes for which I’ve supported speak for themselves. I hope that anyone who may question my intent take a few moments to discover the human and artist that I strive to be. I respect all cultures and all people. I would never intentionally put down anybody for the fabric that makes them who they are. I love human beings, love originality, and… happen to love a weird outfit from time to time.
I truly apologize to anybody that I may have offended. I hope this better explains the situation and my point of view.
Anna from The Slog went to the costume shop in Seattle where Macklewhore bought that random “witch nose.” He didn’t buy a “witch nose,” he bought a “Sheik/Fagin” nose. EXPOSE that whore! But whatever, this is a non-troversy. When Macklemore was in the 3rd grade, he thought he was Jewish, so it’s okay.
Someone call Drake’s mom and tell her she needs to fire up the griddle and get to making some feel-better flapjacks, because he’s having the kind of meltdown that can only be fixed by falling into a maple syrup-soaked food coma. It all started when Drake gave an interview to Rolling Stone (via NY Daily News) where he spit some hot truth about that pathetically eye-rollable apology text Macklemore sent to Kendrick Lamar after he won the Grammy for Best Rap Album, explaining why he thought “that shit was whack as fuck”:
“I was like, ‘You won. Why are you posting your text message? Just chill,” Drake said. “Take your W, and if you feel you don’t deserve it, go get better — make your music.”
“Why do that? Why feel guilt?” he added. “You think those guys would pay homage to you if they won? To name just Kendrick? That shit made me feel funny. No, in that case, you robbed everybody. We all need text messages!”
Oh my god, how fucking lame have rap beefs gotten? “I don’t like the text you sent”. Ah, but that’s a story for another day (Where Have All The Drive-By Shootings Gone? An editorial essay by Allison). The full interview won’t be released until Friday, but Vulture says someone got their hands on an early copy, and confirms that he also talks shit about a couple other rappers, including Kanye West and Yeezus:
“There were some real questionable bars on there. Like that ‘Swaghili’ line? Come on, man. Fabolous wouldn’t say some shit like that.”
Don’t you drag Fabolous into this, Drake! Anyways, Drake didn’t think his comments about Kanye were on the record, so he took to Twitter to rant about Rolling Stone irresponsibly publishing the words he said near an interview (HOW DARE THEY!!)
Disney Channel rapper Macklemore got his hands around four Grammy awards last night including Best Rap Album, Best Rap Song, Best New Artist and Best Rap Performance, and many hos screamed about the INJUSTICE of it all. Many didn’t like that Macklemore won over Kendrick Lamar and they tweeted death threats at Kermit the Frog’s long-lost rapping half-human brother. Yeah, I know Macklemore’s album sounds like an all-hip hop album from The Party (Note: Let’s kick the ballistics. That is the greatest compliment you can give to a rapper), but it’s not that serious. The Grammys are a joke, but tweeting a death threat at a trick for winning a Grammy is even more of a joke. Anybody can win a Grammy (see: Baha Men)!
But because Macklemore wants to be everybody’s best fweeend and wants everyone to know he’s the good guy of good guys, he Instagrammed the text he sent to Kendrick Lamar where he admitted that he shouldn’t have won Best Rap Album.
Macklemore went on to explain to his fans that his Grammy Award should really be in Kendrick’s hands:
“My text to Kendrick after the show. He deserved best rap album… I’m honored and completely blown away to win anything much less 4 Grammys. But in that category, he should have won IMO. And that’s taking nothing away from The Heist. Just giving GKMC it’s proper respect.. With that being said, thank you to the fans. You’re the reason we were on that stage tonight. And to play Same Love on that platform was a career highlight. The greatest honor of all. That’s what this is about. Progress and art. Thank you. #grammys”
Bitch, then invite Kendrick Lamar over for some tea and give him your Grammy then. Macklemore admitting that he thinks Kendrick’s album deserved to win is nice, but Instagramming the text he sent is some attention whore shit straight out of Pimp Mama Kris’ playbook. The whole “but the music started playing” excuse is no excuse. Jacqueline Bisset would laugh at that excuse, but I think she’s still onstage at the Golden Globes accepting her award. When the music starts playing, that’s not your cue to shut up, that’s your cue to talk louder while not giving a fuck.
Besides, it’s just a Grammy. It’s not a prestigious award like Barbizon’s Most Improved Male Model (preteen division) and yes, I’m still mad at losing that award even though I was the only boy in the class.