On Wednesday night, Drake hosted the ESPY Awards (who won? Basketball won, I dunno) and even though he’s no longer rolling around the halls of Degrassi High, he still managed to bring the bitchy high school drama. During an original song titled “Honorable Mentions/Side Pieces”, Wheelchair Jimmy yanked on his emergency brake and left a set of skid marks all over Macklemore’s Grammy win for Best Rap Album by singing “Real talent doesn’t always win championships, like real music doesn’t always win Grammys” as a giant picture of Macklemore was projected behind him.
No, you didn’t fall into a time suck: the Grammys happened six fucking months ago, and Wheelchair Jimmy already threw a bunch of shade at Macklemore back in February. And I was fine with it then, but not now; Drake has NO RIGHT calling anyone out while wearing a pair of linen capri pants and a floaty casual tunic from Chico’s. Drake looks like he’s auditioning for the lead role in a Nancy Meyers movie. Bitch looks like a human hot flash.
Thankfully Drake dried his tears long enough to film a sketch with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers called “Drake vs Blake (or Blake vs Drake)”, which was funny for the first 2 minutes and 4 seconds, but then Chris Brown’s ugly malnourished weasel mug popped into frame and I stopped laughing:
Chris Brown was pretending to be a surgeon who was about to operate on Drake. Makes sense – he’s a pro at putting people in the hospital.
And RIP to Normal Guy Dave, because the second Drake described Blake Griffin as looking like “a black guy that jumped into a pile of Cheetos”, Britney Spears told him she’s found someone new and began frantically searching the internet for a giant net and the location of the Clippers locker room.
Miley Cyrus must have run out of shit to rub her grimy hillbilly cooter on and dirty drugs to stuff into her possum mouth and slumber party dance routines to choreograph with her sister, because it appears she’s taken to fighting the Bangerz Tour down-time boredom by coming for toddler-faced chipmunk chanteuse Selena Gomez. It was foolish of me to assume that being woken up this morning by a bunch of rats getting into a noisy trash can fight would be the only time I’d be dealing with dramatic rodents today.
After losing the “Favourite International Artist or Group” award to Selena Gomez at the MuchMusic Video Awards (in association with Satan), Miley followed up her performance of “FU” with a cardboard cutout of Selena by taking a swipe at the long-lost 4th Chipette on Twitter:
wigged woting wis wack wust wayin
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) June 16, 2014
What Miley’s remaining freon-corroded brain cell was trying to say is: “Rigged voting is whack just sayin.” Rigged? Are you kidding me? It’s a MuchMusic Video Award; it makes the “No Cavities!” sticker they give out at the dentist look like a goddamn Nobel Prize. Bitch needs to chill the fuck out.
And furthermore, what the fuck crawled into Miley’s thong-chafed ass cheeks (besides crabs, obviously) to make her start throwing shade at Selena? Forget my initial comparison to rodents, this is turning into a bitchy 6th grade fight during recess. Miley makes a paper doll of Selena and gives it the middle finger. Then when Selena wins a spot on Student Council, Miley tells the rest of the 6th grade girls that the election was rigged and cries because she’s “more popular and has way better ideas for school dances”. Then Miley starts a rumor that Selena isn’t even allowed to shave her legs yet and calls her a baby for thinking Lip Smackers are the same as lipstick.
Here’s more of the coolest mean girl in middle school leaving Barcelona last night:
The guy behind him’s eyes are saying “I know, I’ll go grab a dictionary.”
It looks like Drake might regret not waiting the reccomneded 24-hour cooling down period before tweeting his angry emoshuns regarding Rolling Stone and their take-back of his cover yesterday, because today he’s written a remorseful I Sowwy letter and published it to his website. In it, he apologizes for the shitty tweet about the late Philip Seymour Hoffman (which has since been deleted because, deep-down, Wheely Jim is a good guy) and says he supports Rolling Stone’s decision to put PSH on the cover, but clarified just why he was so gal-darned steamed (the Canadian equivalent of pissed off) in the first place:
“The circumstances at hand are completely justifiable (on the magazines behalf), but I was not able to salvage my story or my photos and that was devastating. They ran the issue without giving me a choice to be in it or not. I would have waited until it was my time because I understand the magnitude of the cover they chose but I just wasn’t given that option and that made me feel violated.”
Bitch, you need to check your definition of violated. Did Rolling Stone make you feel not right in you no-no-zone? Did a frumpy lady in a greige pantsuit ask you to show her on the doll where Rolling Stone touched you? I didn’t think so. Come back to me after you’ve watched Coco’s crying scene from Fame and we’ll see if ‘violated’ was the word you were looking for.
He also closes his letter by apologizing for acting like a bratty spoiled child (“You called?” – Justin Bieber) and bitching out Rolling Stone like a melodramatic diva. But I get you, Drake; I’d probably lose my shit on Twitter too if I was in the same situation. I’ve never been interviewed for a magazine, but I’ve been interviewed for a job, and if I showed up for my first day at work at said job and saw someone else sitting at my desk, there’s a good chance I’d barely be out of the building before tweeting: “@Allison: Thank u assholes at Telemeritech, looks like I put on real pants for NOTHING.”