Page Six has made it their new goal in life to destroy the Illuminati’s chosen couple and when they published stories about how Jay-Z is passing his camel rocket to RiRi and Beyonce is looking to buy a penthouse of her very own, I figured she’d answer to those rumors by Instagramming a picture of her and RiRi making friendship bracelets together at a BFFs-only slumber party and a picture of her and her husband boning in their living room under a Home Sweet Home wreath. Beyonce didn’t Instagram anything like that, but she did Instagram a picture of Jay-Z and God’s spirit guide Blue Ivy Carter strolling along a beach that looks like it’s covered in bunny shit. Beyonce threw the STUNT QUEEN Instagram filter on it and added this note:
My favorite hue is JayZ Blue
Bey, please. We all know your favorite hue is Get Money Green (but whose isn’t?). Case in point: The Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer.
Nice try, Beyonce, but it’s obvious that isn’t Jay-Z or Blue Ivy Carter. We can’t see their faces! Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of Jay-Z, because he was too busy dropping camel saliva bombs on RiRi’s airport runway forehead while doing her missionary style. Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of BIC, because that baby was too blabbering in goo goo gaga talk to the team of interior designers who are designing her wing of the Manhattan penthouse her mom bought. That’s obviously one of Beyonce’s minions in a Joe Camel costume and the part of Blue Ivy Carter is being played by a slimmed down Emmanuel Lewis. Beyonce is shameless and thinks we’re all about as dumb as a dried glob of wig glue, but at least she gave Emmanuel Lewis a job. I will give her that.
Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!
The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.
Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.
Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
As expected, the First Lady of the Illuminati performed at the 50th birthday party of the First Lady of the United States on Saturday night. Beyonce (the gorgeous blonde white woman in the picture above) put on one of Tina Turner’s old dresses and sang “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable” for Michelle Obama while Obama did the Dougie in front of 500 guests. It was just like my mom’s 50th birthday party, but instead of Obama doing the dougie, my drunk tio did the barefoot salsa and instead of Beyonce performing, we played a warped Hector Lavoe cassette on a battery-powered Boombox.
The Chicago Tribune says that guests including the Clintons, Jennifer Hudson, Kal Penn, the Bidens, Nancy Pelosi, Donna Brazile, Sir Paul McCartney, Janelle Monae, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King and Al “White House Sharter” Roker all sipped champagne as Beyonce, John Legend and Stevie Wonder entertained their asses. It was a no cell phone party and they didn’t want anybody uploading pictures to social media. But that didn’t stop Beyonce from taking pictures before and after the party. Beyonce put a bunch of pics on her site including that one above of her with Bo. Or maybe that’s Sunny. All black dogs look the same to me. (No dog racist.)
What’s really fucked up is that Beyonce obviously made her Photoshop team spend hours on touching her up, yet she couldn’t ask them to fix Bo’s eye? Poor Bo. Beyonce made him the Michelle Williams of White House dogs. And if the pictures of Blue Ivy Carter are from this weekend, then the Obamas are just like us! They keep their Christmas tree up until February and if they’re really like my mom, they’ll plant the dead tree in the backyard and pretend it looks pretty.
In Ibiza today, Beyonce carried our messiah Blue Ivy Carter (who’s looking more and more like a miniature Jay-Z) up a ramp while wearing a pair of black stilts and coochie cutters. Don’t worry, if Beyonce’s ridiculous ass slipped and she fell, her magical golden weave would transform into angels wings and fly her to safety. You can’t tell from these pictures, but in the water below, there’s a pod of dolphins holding a swan feather mattress with their mouths just in case Blue Ivy Carter or her royal highness Beyonce fell overboard.
I’m sure Beyonce’s heels scratched up the floor of that yacht. And I’m even more sure that the yacht’s owner isn’t going to fix the floor, because he knows the Bumblebeys will pay him to lick the scratches that Bey made.
Meteorologists reported that during the past week (no, they didnt), temperature rose by 30% (no, they didn’t) and that’s all because the sun came closer to the Earth to get a peek at Beyonce’s newly cut hair. Temperatures also rose, because another hole was burned into the ozone layer when all the Bumblebeys of the Beyhive torched their weaves, wigs and lace fronts. Beyonce cutting her hair changed the universe and changed the world!
Well, Beyonce’s short, natural hair lasted about as long as a Kanye queef. While leaving a restaurant with Jay-Z and the chosen one in Miami today, Beyonce worked a butchered, slanted bob that made her look like a bootleg Keri Hilson which is saying a lot since Keri Hilson looks like a bootleg Keri Hilson. That thing on Beyonce’s head looks like it’s growing tails and I really want to see it dance to an Aretha Franklin song with the hillbilly Hagrid on his porch.
And I’m sure one of Beyonce’s hairstylists is going to tell People that this isn’t a weave or a wig. It’s Beyonce’s hair! Her hair naturally grew 3 or 4 inches in a week. It’s Beyonce! Her follicles can do that.
That high-pitched scream that’s peeling layers of skin off of your ear canals is coming from Suri Cruise as she puts on her sturdiest stomping heels to destroy her cheap, pedestrian Disney princess tiara. The staff at Cartier better brace themselves, because Suri is going to jump through their glass doors and throw her Black AMEX at them as she demands to see their most expensive crown. She doesn’t want anything from the showroom either. She wants to see some shit from the vault! Blame Beyonce.
Beyonce kept it demure as always by posting a few “personal” pictures of her highness Blue Ivy Carter on her official Tumblr. Beyonce posted a picture of BIC wearing a crown made of North West’s crystallized tears, Goopy Paltrow’s kidney stones, the white fur from a missing red panda, and a Chivas Regal velvet bag. And that’s just BIC’s daytime crown! Beyonce also posted a picture of BIC’s House of Dereon couture dress (made from the moth balls that Basement Baby coughs up) and a picture of her custom-made ballerina heels. That picture of BIC’s heels is a direct threat to Suri Cruise. That’s BIC’s not-so-subtle way of telling Suri that she better stand back because the real high heel-wearing baby queen is coming through.
And yes, I’m sure BIC got photo approval. BIC’s assistants show her a picture and if she spits up, that means she hates it and her assistants immediately throw it into the fire. They throw themselves into the fire too for wasting the baby queen’s precious time.
Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one’s invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she’s already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn’t?), which means that she’s going to be at least 8 feet tall. That’s the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I’m sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter’s lawyers, because I see her throwing a “you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?” side-eye. Just like her mom!
Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce’s bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.
But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy’s line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart’s, Tommy Girl’s and Ryan Seacrest’s.
It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they’re stretching out her legs.
QUICK! Grab a piece of paper, poke a hole into it, hold it up to the screen and look at the picture of Blue Ivy Carter’s face through it or her gloriousness will burn your eyes.
Beyonce shows us the chosen one’s full face in her Beyoncementary, which airs tomorrow, but a picture from the documentary has leaked and is spreading all over the internet. It’s been a year since we’ve seen Blue Ivy Carter’s face and yes, she’s totally Jay-Z’s daughter.
And yes, Blue Ivy Carter’s eyebrow situation is already in a league of its own, but I really wish she would’ve worn her diamond encrusted halo for the cameras.