Most five-year-olds spend their days playing with toys, watching cartoons, scheming new sneaky ways to get their hands on sugar, and battling their arch nemesis – shoelaces. But Blue Ivy Carter isn’t your average five-year-old. For one thing, she’s the type of rich that means she doesn’t have to deal with tying her shoes (she probably has a robot to do that for her). She’s also the daughter of two very famous entertainers, which means it would only be a matter of time before she debuted her skills on one of her parent’s albums.
Beyonce and Jay Z have been trying to trademark the name Blue Ivy ever since Blue Ivy Carter came into this world five years ago, and the key word is “trying.”
Universal empress, Beyonce, wants to trademark her daughter Blue Ivy Carter’s name, but some paltry wedding planning company with the same name keeps trying to prevent her from doing so. That wedding planner better have reinforced steel doors, a full security camera set-up, and a panic room behind the Jordan Almonds station, because the Beyhive doesn’t play. They will stage a commando raid on some peasant wedding planners for their exalted and most high queen.
Forty five seconds after Beyonce announced that her royal uterus is holding the messiahs, the Beyhive shook so hard that they had to soothe their worn out, raw muscles by lying in a tub filled with BenGay. But their God didn’t give them much time to rest, because hours later, Beyonce.com graced the internet with many, many, many pictures of a knocked up Beyonce posing in an Awkward Family Photos shoot . If you’re an art student, you’ll get at least 60 credits just by looking at Beyonce’s masterpiece portraits.
After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
It’s truly a tragedy that the fashion world doesn’t recognized the endless contributions Beyonce has made to the world of fashion more often. When I think of iconic style looks, my mind is bombarded with an endless Rolodex of examples from Destiny’s Child’s catalogue of music videos. The coordinated hoochie mama animal pelt bikinis from Survivor, the endless yardage of craft-store suede fringe of Bootylicious, the laced-up pastel pleather eleganza of Bills, Bills, Bills. Literally every luxe club rat look from Jumpin Jumpin. She also wore some other stuff later in her career, but it can’t hold a candle to the gorgeously gaudy couture she wore during the DC days. The Council of Fashion Designers of America agrees, and they gave her an award last night in NYC. I’m assuming the award was mostly for the iconic DC looks.