I never had the grave misfortune of walking in on my parents bumping uglies, but I did catch them in their bedroom playing a spirited game of leapfrog. OK, that wasn’t me. That was Betty White in an episode of Golden Girls.
During Jay-Z and Beyonce’s On The Run II show, a clip of them in bed together is show on a giant screen onstage. Their 6-year-old daughter Blue Ivy Carter was in the audience of their show in London last Friday, and while in front of everyone, lived the scar-making nightmare that many child faces when they walk in on their parents doing the gross act of humping on each other. Blue was more than happy to show concertgoers this week what she feels about Mom and Dad blaring their sexy time during a show:
Blue watching the interlude of her parents in bed LMAOOOO pic.twitter.com/lcHqubL67p
— tink. (@MissTink__) June 19, 2018
It look like she’d rather go see Aunt Michelle in a Canadian theater production of Grease than spend one more minute watching mom and dad try and create another drain on her planned trust fund payout. Hell, she looks like her mom just asked her to eat all her Brussels sprouts and agree to go without dessert for three months! If Blue gives that kind of reaction to artistic boning, nobody every use her mom’s footage from Austin Powers at a concert – poor thing may as well just leave the stadium and demand a refund!
Were you awoken this morning by a chorus of screaming angels, your dwelling shuddering and threatening to splinter apart, and your pets speaking in tongues? Don’t panic. It’s not the end of the world, it’s the long-rumored Beyoncé and Jay-Z collaborative album dropping. Everything Is Love by The Carters (their married named) arrived last night, and you can hear it – naturally – on Jay-Z’s sort of stalled music streaming service Tidal. This is the record that was supposed to save that ego-fest back in ’15!
The Queen Mother of the Beyhive (and Costco’s biggest fan), Tina Knowles, is frolicking through Paris, and she decided to take granddaughter Blue Ivy Carter along for the ride. While most people would take their grandkids to kid-friendly places in Europe like Euro Disney or a brie factory, Memaw Tina decided to introduce Blue Ivy to the finer things in life, like House of Dereon couture and the French theater. Only, Tina wanted to share their adventure with the whole world, and Blue Ivy was there to remind her memaw ass the French have a word for Instagramming in the theater and it’s “déclassé!”
Billboard notes how in the video Ms. Tina says with awe, “I’m in Paris, France and I’m at the most beautiful theater I’ve ever seen in my life. The Walking Ballet is so cool.” Tina goes on about how it’s the most gorgeous architecture she’s ever seen, but someone who wasn’t there for her social media edition of Architectural Digest was baby Blue. You suddenly hear a voice go, “You’re not supposed to take videos grandma. You’re not supposed to!” Blue’s probably just unimpressed because that theater is boring and looks just like the bathroom in her pool house at the Bey estate, but Miss Tina doesn’t care: she keeps up with her commentary because snitches get stitches!
While North West has to suffer through her tragic excuse of a wannabe stylist daddy, Kanye West, dressing her in overpriced mass-produced rags from her mom’s stupid children’s clothing line, Blue Ivy Carter is sipping sparkling mangosteen juice from a Baccarat crystal juice box as a REAL stylist shows her sketches of opulent gowns done exclusively for her by high fashion designers. If Blue Ivy is ever feeling charitable, she can send the other children of millionaire celebrities the location of the Salvation Army she donates her couture gowns to after wearing them once.
You ever heard the saying “when opportunity comes a knockin’, place that bitch in a headlock and find a way to hold it hostage?” Yeah, me neither. But clearly that must be a popular phrase at Veronica Morales’ house, because after continuously swatting away at Beyonce’ and her legal team in their attempts to trademark the name Blue Ivy, she’s finally revealed her master plan to the tune of $10 million.
Is it wrong to stan for a child president? Because after last night’s Grammy Awards, little Blue Ivy Carter gave us “that moment” and I don’t know about you, but I got the vapors and gasped “she’s running”. If you missed it, that moment was when Blue Ivy did the lord’s work and told her parents Beyoncé and Jay-Z they was doing too much. #BlueIvy2020.