I’m just going to assume that the reason Beyonce is serving up that court-side stank eye is because this picture was taken exactly 0.2 seconds after Jay Z suggested they move to Los Angeles because Gwyneth Paltrow told them to. “I’m sorry, but when did that bony know-it-all broomstick start making the decisions around here? There’s only one person who calls the shots, and it’s BEYONCE!…and maybe Blue Ivy Carter if I’m powered down for my weekly maintenance tune-up“.
So it sounds like Goopy can now add pushy real estate agent to her resume (right underneath pussy steaming expert). According to UsWeekly, Goopy won’t have to travel to NYC to desperately dry hump Beyonce and Jay Z for street credibility anymore, because she recently convinced them to move to Los Angeles. A source says:
“Beyonce and Jay Z are making L.A. their permanent home based a lot on the advice of their friends. The friend that really influenced them to move was Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyneth was telling Jay and Bey about the quality of life for her kids in L.A. and really swayed Beyonce and Jay to make the move. It’s all for Blue Ivy.”
Beyonce and Jay Z are currently living in a hotel in Beverly Hills and are searching for the perfect home, but they’ve already found a preschool for Blue Ivy. TMZ says her royal highness BIC has been enrolled in a toddler program at a fancy private school, the tuition of which is $15,080 a year. “Oh, that’s cute – so you’re sending her to public school then?” asked Goopy, as she wrote out a $138,000 check for the Gooplets private Latin lessons at the Vatican.
And I can’t wait to read all about the story Gwyneth writes for GOOP about helping them move-in. “After a long day of watching the movers carry each piece of hand-crafted imported furniture into their cozy little 67-bedroom cottage, I decided to treat my good friends Beyoncé Giselle and Shawn Carter to a much needed pizza and beer break. So I had my private jet whisk us off to my favorite brewery in Belgium…“
Beyonce has a staff of THOUSANDS and she can’t piss without dozens of diamonds falling out of her pee hole, so when she dresses up as Frida Kahlo I expect her to go all the way out. I don’t expect this half-assed shit. How can you say you’re Frida Kahlo for Halloween when your eyebrow situation does not look like two freshly groomed Woolly Bear Caterpillars delicately kissing each other on the lips? For where is the unibrow? Those eyebrows look more like two electrocuted pubic strips and Frida Kahlo would never ever groom her brows like that. Beyonce looks more like my bushy brow-having uncle in drag as Carmen Miranda.
Beyonce dressed up as Frida Kahlo to watch the Halloween parade in NYC at Charlie Bird’s with Blue Ivy and Jay-Z. Beyonce has so much money that she could’ve easily hired a Frida Kahlo expert to gather donated eyebrow hairs from Frida Kahlo’s relatives so that they could accurately recreate Frida’s glorious eyebrow situation for her costume. If that wasn’t a possibility, she should’ve just dyed her baby bangs black and glued that over her eyes. Even that would’ve looked better than those tragic, painted-on frazzled otter brows.
In other Beyonce news, the track list of her possible second surprise album leaked. It’s supposed to come out in 11 days. So from now until then, the Beyhive will be butt chugging liquid meth while refreshing Beyonce’s iTunes store page over and over again.
The most hardcore, dedicated, crazy members of the Beyhive had their loyalty tested hard today when their God, Beyonce, stepped out in London today looking like a bucktoothed rat chewed on her clip-on bangs. If you show me a member of the Beyhive who thinks this is the look, then I’ll show you a straitjacket that is missing their body, because they are crazy. I know Jay-Z always has a sad look on his face like he just watched Bambi’s mom get shot, but I think that Little Lord FauntleDerp wig on Beyonce’s head is making him extra sad.
Is this Beyonce’s way of trying to get the lessers to relate to her? Because she’s a multi-multi-millionaire who could buy the mane off of a rare blonde unicorn if she wanted to and that dehydrated wig looks like it cost $5.99 and was the last thing remaining at a beauty supply store going out of business sale. That wig looks like it was snatched off of the club floor by a janitor at the end of Halloween night. I don’t even think that wig is sitting on her head right. It’s slouching and making her look like a deranged Klingon Bettie Page.
I really think Blue Ivy found a dirty, crusty, used mop head somewhere, cut it up with kitchen scissors and told her mom to wear it. And I love BIC for that.
If you woke up feeling broke, bitter and hungover like me, the Carter-Knowles are here to rub salt in your wound and point out that you are an imperfect poor ass who could never shut the Louvre down for a day so that you could ask the Venus De Milo to hold your purse and snap a few phone pics of you and your lovely family and then laugh because it’s funny because she has no arms. If you woke up feeling Awesome McWinnerson on top of the world, the Carter-Knowles are here to knock your ass off that high horse and point out that you’re an imperfect broke ass fighting the Louvre crowd basic bitch. At least they don’t play favorites, right?
So here are pictures that Beyonce posted of her perfect family day on Wednesday with Jay Z and Blue Ivy. You may want to put on your RayBans and some SPF 500 before you click, lest you get third degree burns on your eyeballs and everywhere else from gazing upon the white hot perfection of Illuminati Delacroix, Mona Lisa likes to take two fingers, Watch And Learn Psyche and Amore, and Marilyn Monblue Ivy. It’s like staring directly at the sun or masturbating: too much and you’ll go blind (GOOD – you). You can browse the gallery below or you can go to beyonce.com to see MY LIFE flashing over all the photos. YES WE KNOW, and thanks alot for ruining my monitor when I wrote FUCK over the MY LIFE with a Sharpie.
You know the real reason they shut down the Louvre is so the plebes wouldn’t see the Night At The Museum scene when all the paintings and statues came to life to fantard all over and photobomb the Bay-Jays. You might think that the Carters were taking pictures of themselves with the world famous artwork, but it was actually the other way around. And now you know why the Mona Lisa’s tits are autographed…it’s not graffiti, Mona begged them to do it and now refuses to ever bathe again.
Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).
Well, looks like I just lost $50 in the Dlisted office pool. In a foolish act of Baileys-fueled regret, I put all my money on betting that Beyoncé would open her performance at the VMAs last night with a pre-taped video of her and Jay-Z backstage signing divorce papers with their lawyer (Blue Ivy Carter, Esq.), followed by her walking out on stage and singing a bunch of lyrics about true love and shit, then closing the show by inviting Jay-Z on stage with an ordained minister (Rev. Blue Ivy Carter) to get legally re-married. Instead, we got nearly 20 minutes of Beyoncé doing classic Beyoncé (HAIR! HANDS! FACE FACE FACE!) while singing every single damn Beyoncé song in existence, and now I’m out $50. Terrific. Sure, technically we did get a couple of assholes, but they were covered in gold glitter.
However, she did manage to squeeze in some classic Stuntyoncé at the end of her performance, when a camel who stole one of Run DMC’s hats came out to present Beyoncé with the Vanguard Award along with her holiness, Blue Ivy. Of course, Yawn-cé made sure to give Jay-Z a big kiss (closed-mouthed, since camels are known to spit) and act like the three of them were a damn come-to-life set of Heart Family dolls.
Ugh, I know I’m being a hater (send all emails to firstname.lastname@example.org) and yes, the Vines of Jay watching Blue Blue dancing along to Bey and Blue saying “Go Mommy!” are adorable, but we all know her and Jay are fucking done, so why even trot him out and make him participate in that tired shit? Bey didn’t need Jay there; Blue Ivy could have presented that award all by herself. Then again, if MTV had given Blue Ivy the Vanguard Award to present to her mother, she probably would have just crawled up to the mic and announced “the recipient of the Vanguard Award is…myself. Thank you”, since everyone knows she’s the real vanguard here.
And here’s Bey before her
publicity stunt performance and after looking both times like a very fancy Barbie doll.
A Woman Has Filed A Lawsuit Against Beyoncé And Jay-Z In Which She Claims To Be Blue Ivy’s Real Mother
According to The Hollywood Gossip, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity lawsuit in Manhattan that claims she is the real mother of The Illuminati Princess, Blue Ivy Carter (oh, here go hell come). The document alleges that Tina Seals – who sounds like a long-lost member of The Get Along Gang – was “previously associated” with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, and is seeking to verify whether she is the biological mother of Blue Ivy.“Nice to meet you Tina! Sorry we didn’t get a a chance to speak in the delivery room, but I was busy being removed and put into storage” – the pillow.
Typically a woman knows whether or not a baby fell out of her vagina, so maternity lawsuits are uncommon. However, what’s more unusual that filing a maternity suit is filing several maternity suits. Tina has also filed maternity suits claiming to be the real mother of North West, Mariah Carey’s twins Monroe and Moroccan, and Baby Prince George. In case you’re not yet convinced that Tina Seals *might* be a bundle of cray-cray, she also tried to sue the U.S. government for $5 million because (according to her) President Barack Obama is claiming she’s an AWOL congresswoman, whatever the fuck that means. Basically Tina Seals is a completely credible source, and I’m very curious to see what other celebrity babies she claims to have given birth to.
But Tina Seals might be on to something. Imagine you file 100 lawsuits against 100 celebrity moms claiming to have given birth to one of their kids. Now, 99 will roll their eyes and throw it in the trash, but since Hollywood is filled with not-smarts, there’s bound to be at least 1 celebrity mom dumb enough to fall for it. Imagine, if you will, a Cheeto-chomping Frapp-guzzling busted weave-wearing Louisiana lilac blossom opening a letter and going “Dang it y’all, this here lady says she done birthed out Jayden James and I owe her a million dollars! Better get out my check book….”. It could work!
And I would have loved to have seen the slow look of confusion wash over Kim Kardashian’s narcoleptic hooker face when she received her lawsuit from Tina Seals. “Baby? What baby?”
Are they throwing the official gang signs of the Illuminati: STUNT QUEEN chapter or are they saying “Look at us! We’re attention whores!” in sign language?
For the past few weeks, Page Six and everybody else has been counting down to the end of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage. They’ve said that RiRi is Jay-Z’s side piece, Beyonce is looking for a penthouse to live in without Jay-Z and so and so on. Every time a new divorce rumor pops up, Beyonce throws up a portrait of a perfectly family on Instagram (see: picture above). The media, Instagram and Beyonce are obviously in CAHOOTS together. Well, expect Beyonce’s Instagram to be hit with another wave of damage control portraits, because the media is still at it.
Page Six has made it their new goal in life to destroy the Illuminati’s chosen couple and when they published stories about how Jay-Z is passing his camel rocket to RiRi and Beyonce is looking to buy a penthouse of her very own, I figured she’d answer to those rumors by Instagramming a picture of her and RiRi making friendship bracelets together at a BFFs-only slumber party and a picture of her and her husband boning in their living room under a Home Sweet Home wreath. Beyonce didn’t Instagram anything like that, but she did Instagram a picture of Jay-Z and God’s spirit guide Blue Ivy Carter strolling along a beach that looks like it’s covered in bunny shit. Beyonce threw the STUNT QUEEN Instagram filter on it and added this note:
My favorite hue is JayZ Blue
Bey, please. We all know your favorite hue is Get Money Green (but whose isn’t?). Case in point: The Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer.
Nice try, Beyonce, but it’s obvious that isn’t Jay-Z or Blue Ivy Carter. We can’t see their faces! Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of Jay-Z, because he was too busy dropping camel saliva bombs on RiRi’s airport runway forehead while doing her missionary style. Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of BIC, because that baby was too blabbering in goo goo gaga talk to the team of interior designers who are designing her wing of the Manhattan penthouse her mom bought. That’s obviously one of Beyonce’s minions in a Joe Camel costume and the part of Blue Ivy Carter is being played by a slimmed down Emmanuel Lewis. Beyonce is shameless and thinks we’re all about as dumb as a dried glob of wig glue, but at least she gave Emmanuel Lewis a job. I will give her that.