Universal empress, Beyonce, wants to trademark her daughter Blue Ivy Carter’s name, but some paltry wedding planning company with the same name keeps trying to prevent her from doing so. That wedding planner better have reinforced steel doors, a full security camera set-up, and a panic room behind the Jordan Almonds station, because the Beyhive doesn’t play. They will stage a commando raid on some peasant wedding planners for their exalted and most high queen.
Forty five seconds after Beyonce announced that her royal uterus is holding the messiahs, the Beyhive shook so hard that they had to soothe their worn out, raw muscles by lying in a tub filled with BenGay. But their God didn’t give them much time to rest, because hours later, Beyonce.com graced the internet with many, many, many pictures of a knocked up Beyonce posing in an Awkward Family Photos shoot . If you’re an art student, you’ll get at least 60 credits just by looking at Beyonce’s masterpiece portraits.
After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
It’s truly a tragedy that the fashion world doesn’t recognized the endless contributions Beyonce has made to the world of fashion more often. When I think of iconic style looks, my mind is bombarded with an endless Rolodex of examples from Destiny’s Child’s catalogue of music videos. The coordinated hoochie mama animal pelt bikinis from Survivor, the endless yardage of craft-store suede fringe of Bootylicious, the laced-up pastel pleather eleganza of Bills, Bills, Bills. Literally every luxe club rat look from Jumpin Jumpin. She also wore some other stuff later in her career, but it can’t hold a candle to the gorgeously gaudy couture she wore during the DC days. The Council of Fashion Designers of America agrees, and they gave her an award last night in NYC. I’m assuming the award was mostly for the iconic DC looks.
“Out of everything I’ve accomplished, my proudest moment, hands-down, was when I gave birth to my daughter, Blue.”
When asked if it was a special moment for her as well, Blue Ivy Carter replied “As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes, being birthed by Beyonce was a great moment for me too.”
It looks like the Beyonce belly truthers finally have some pretty solid proof that Beyonce actually did carry Blue Ivy. I mean, she said it herself: her proudest moment was when she gave birth to her daughter, Blue. And why would Beyonce feel the need to lie? (Beyonce’s real age just started nervously sweating). Although something tells me this just added a whole new layer of crazy onto the conspiracy. “She said ‘hands down’. What do hands touch? The ground. What’s ground in French? Sol. What do you wrap a baby in? Swaddling clothes. What is swaddling clothes in French? Langes. Sol. Langes. Solange. SOLANGE IS HER DAUGHTER, I KNEW IT!”
Good news for those of you who were wondering if Tidal was still the little train wreck that could, I am pleased to confirm that yes, yes it is. While the train has yet to officially ride off the rails and careen full-speed down the ravine, it has once again skipped a couple tracks and caused the conductor (Jay Z,) to no doubt whisper “Shit shit shit” while searching for the kill switch.
Complex says Tidal has fired both their CFO and COO. According to a press release from Tidal (which I picture as being written on the back of a Spotify job application form) CFO Chris Hart and COO Nils Juell were given walking papers because the company decided to move their operations team from Oslo to New York. Chris and Nils won’t be lonely in the Fired From Tidal Club; they’ll be joining the two CEOs and 25 employees that were let go last year. And if Rihanna gets caught Twitter shading the boss’ wife again, she might be next.
No word on who will replace Chris and Nils, but whoever it is might want to pencil in a meeting with the Tidal lawyers for their first day. According to the Jasmine Brand (via Complex), Jay Z and Tidal became the recipients of a $5 million class-action lawsuit on Saturday. Yesh Music and John Emanuele of a band called The American Dollar claim they haven’t received a single royalty check from Tidal, despite streaming 116 of their copyrighted songs.
The lawsuit also alleges that the check-writing team at Tidal are shady bitches who used faulty numbers to make royalty payments and may have stiffed artists by as much as 35%. Shortly after Jay Z invested Tidal, he swore up and down that Tidal would pay every artist, including the non-famous ones, a 75% royalty rate. Shit, maybe Kanye West was telling the truth when he said he was broke?
Here’s the King and Queen of Tidal looking like the house from Up while leaving something called Giggles N’ Hugs with Blue Ivy on Saturday. And no, I can’t with Beyonce’s busted Dorothy Michaels glasses either.