Ugh, surfbort. Beyoncé shot some pics and co-wrote a poem about her favorite subject (herself) for CR Fashion Book. Beyhivers, please copy down this latest missive from on high onto your sacred scrolls with your gold-tipped feather pens. This the word of your Lord (when Oprah’s off that day), thanks Bey to God.
In “Bey The Light” (words by Beyonce, “remixed” by poet Forrest Gander – whatever the eff that means), Beyonce spills intimate details about her life with the not-fake husband (?) and the baby. Did you know she has to channel Sasha Fierce when she gets on that hump?
I learned at a very young age,
when I need to tap some extra strength,
to put my persona, Sasha, on stage.
Though we’re different as blue and red,
I’m not afraid to draw from her
in performance, rifts, and even in bed
There’s a lot more were that came from, but what’s really interesting is the confirmation that Kanye West definitely hates her. Because his down-low dude Riccardo Tisci styled this shoot. Which means not only did he cover her face up in one pic (how Bey allowed someone to cover up her extra-worldly glory for even a minute we’ll never know), but he had her wear stretch pants and wrestle with a giant, exploded Mickey Mouse doll (?) in another. What the hell? I understand the concept of not ready-to-wear but you’d look really silly trying to enter establishments in that. You’d get stuck and they’d have to call the fire department.
That sound you hear is Tisci and Kanye tee-hee-heeing over her dumb ass. You know Riccardo got an extra tug or two for a job well done.
Check out more pics of Beyoncé’s photoshoot for CR Fashion Book below.
All together now: The HELL kind of GD rejected Fly Girl outfit is that bitch wearing? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
On Sunday night, the second, third, fourth and final coming of Jesus, Blue Ivy Carter, blessed the VMAs with her holy presence and the halo in the form of a natural afro over her head. Some bitches on Twitter dragged BIC for having natural hair and those people probably woke up with a head full of no hair, because God scalped them all in the night for hating on their successor. One of those bitches was Chris Brown’s on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again trick Karrueche Tran (pronounced: Bitch You Fucking Dumb For Being With Chris Brown).
Well, looks like I just lost $50 in the Dlisted office pool. In a foolish act of Baileys-fueled regret, I put all my money on betting that Beyoncé would open her performance at the VMAs last night with a pre-taped video of her and Jay-Z backstage signing divorce papers with their lawyer (Blue Ivy Carter, Esq.), followed by her walking out on stage and singing a bunch of lyrics about true love and shit, then closing the show by inviting Jay-Z on stage with an ordained minister (Rev. Blue Ivy Carter) to get legally re-married. Instead, we got nearly 20 minutes of Beyoncé doing classic Beyoncé (HAIR! HANDS! FACE FACE FACE!) while singing every single damn Beyoncé song in existence, and now I’m out $50. Terrific. Sure, technically we did get a couple of assholes, but they were covered in gold glitter.
However, she did manage to squeeze in some classic Stuntyoncé at the end of her performance, when a camel who stole one of Run DMC’s hats came out to present Beyoncé with the Vanguard Award along with her holiness, Blue Ivy. Of course, Yawn-cé made sure to give Jay-Z a big kiss (closed-mouthed, since camels are known to spit) and act like the three of them were a damn come-to-life set of Heart Family dolls.
Ugh, I know I’m being a hater (send all emails to firstname.lastname@example.org) and yes, the Vines of Jay watching Blue Blue dancing along to Bey and Blue saying “Go Mommy!” are adorable, but we all know her and Jay are fucking done, so why even trot him out and make him participate in that tired shit? Bey didn’t need Jay there; Blue Ivy could have presented that award all by herself. Then again, if MTV had given Blue Ivy the Vanguard Award to present to her mother, she probably would have just crawled up to the mic and announced “the recipient of the Vanguard Award is…myself. Thank you”, since everyone knows she’s the real vanguard here.
And here’s Bey before her
publicity stunt performance and after looking both times like a very fancy Barbie doll.
A Woman Has Filed A Lawsuit Against Beyoncé And Jay-Z In Which She Claims To Be Blue Ivy’s Real Mother
According to The Hollywood Gossip, a woman named Tina Seals has filed a maternity lawsuit in Manhattan that claims she is the real mother of The Illuminati Princess, Blue Ivy Carter (oh, here go hell come). The document alleges that Tina Seals – who sounds like a long-lost member of The Get Along Gang – was “previously associated” with Beyoncé and Jay-Z, and is seeking to verify whether she is the biological mother of Blue Ivy.“Nice to meet you Tina! Sorry we didn’t get a a chance to speak in the delivery room, but I was busy being removed and put into storage” - the pillow.
Typically a woman knows whether or not a baby fell out of her vagina, so maternity lawsuits are uncommon. However, what’s more unusual that filing a maternity suit is filing several maternity suits. Tina has also filed maternity suits claiming to be the real mother of North West, Mariah Carey’s twins Monroe and Moroccan, and Baby Prince George. In case you’re not yet convinced that Tina Seals *might* be a bundle of cray-cray, she also tried to sue the U.S. government for $5 million because (according to her) President Barack Obama is claiming she’s an AWOL congresswoman, whatever the fuck that means. Basically Tina Seals is a completely credible source, and I’m very curious to see what other celebrity babies she claims to have given birth to.
But Tina Seals might be on to something. Imagine you file 100 lawsuits against 100 celebrity moms claiming to have given birth to one of their kids. Now, 99 will roll their eyes and throw it in the trash, but since Hollywood is filled with not-smarts, there’s bound to be at least 1 celebrity mom dumb enough to fall for it. Imagine, if you will, a Cheeto-chomping Frapp-guzzling busted weave-wearing Louisiana lilac blossom opening a letter and going “Dang it y’all, this here lady says she done birthed out Jayden James and I owe her a million dollars! Better get out my check book….”. It could work!
And I would have loved to have seen the slow look of confusion wash over Kim Kardashian’s narcoleptic hooker face when she received her lawsuit from Tina Seals. “Baby? What baby?”
Are they throwing the official gang signs of the Illuminati: STUNT QUEEN chapter or are they saying “Look at us! We’re attention whores!” in sign language?
For the past few weeks, Page Six and everybody else has been counting down to the end of Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage. They’ve said that RiRi is Jay-Z’s side piece, Beyonce is looking for a penthouse to live in without Jay-Z and so and so on. Every time a new divorce rumor pops up, Beyonce throws up a portrait of a perfectly family on Instagram (see: picture above). The media, Instagram and Beyonce are obviously in CAHOOTS together. Well, expect Beyonce’s Instagram to be hit with another wave of damage control portraits, because the media is still at it. »
Page Six has made it their new goal in life to destroy the Illuminati’s chosen couple and when they published stories about how Jay-Z is passing his camel rocket to RiRi and Beyonce is looking to buy a penthouse of her very own, I figured she’d answer to those rumors by Instagramming a picture of her and RiRi making friendship bracelets together at a BFFs-only slumber party and a picture of her and her husband boning in their living room under a Home Sweet Home wreath. Beyonce didn’t Instagram anything like that, but she did Instagram a picture of Jay-Z and God’s spirit guide Blue Ivy Carter strolling along a beach that looks like it’s covered in bunny shit. Beyonce threw the STUNT QUEEN Instagram filter on it and added this note:
My favorite hue is JayZ Blue
Bey, please. We all know your favorite hue is Get Money Green (but whose isn’t?). Case in point: The Fifty Shades Of Grey trailer.
Nice try, Beyonce, but it’s obvious that isn’t Jay-Z or Blue Ivy Carter. We can’t see their faces! Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of Jay-Z, because he was too busy dropping camel saliva bombs on RiRi’s airport runway forehead while doing her missionary style. Beyonce couldn’t take a picture of BIC, because that baby was too blabbering in goo goo gaga talk to the team of interior designers who are designing her wing of the Manhattan penthouse her mom bought. That’s obviously one of Beyonce’s minions in a Joe Camel costume and the part of Blue Ivy Carter is being played by a slimmed down Emmanuel Lewis. Beyonce is shameless and thinks we’re all about as dumb as a dried glob of wig glue, but at least she gave Emmanuel Lewis a job. I will give her that.
Normally Blue Ivy Carter wouldn’t degrade herself by participating in such an obvious stunt, but desperate times call for desperate measures. After seeing the pictures of Baby Prince George celebrating his 1st birthday by petting butterflies at the Natural History Museum, Blue Ivy swore there was no way she was going to let the second most famous rich baby in the world steal any attention away from her by releasing pictures of him staring vacantly at a bug. Today may be his birthday, but every day is Blue Ivy Day!
The only problem was thinking of something better to be photographed with than a butterfly, but the best her intern (North West) could come up with was gluing a pair of googly-eyes to one of Beyoncé’s old weaves and trying to pass it off as an exotic rodent. Eventually she decided that the only way she could snatch people’s eyes away from Baby Prince George and his butterfly was to pretend to be an actual butterfly (“You weren’t born with the ability to fly, Baby Prince George? Tsk-tsk, what a shame”), so she had her parents hoist her up and make it look like she was gracefully floating above the peasants. You know, more than she usually does.
Unfortunately, when North West posted the picture to Instagram, she forgot to Photoshop out Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s legs, and the whole thing was ruined. Cut to Baby Prince George and Lupo hunched over the royal iPad and cackling with sadistic glee.
Baby Prince George: 1, Blue Ivy: 0.
Beyonce Posts A Perfect Family Portrait Days After She Might’ve Called Out Jay-Z’s Wandering Camel Dick
Last weekend, Beyonce changed a few lyrics in her song “Resentment” during a show in Ohio and some thought it was her way of yanking on Jay-Z’s slut whore cock and letting everyone know that she doesn’t approve of him camel humping every trick he comes across. Beyonce never issued a statement about that claim, because only uncreative, basic peon fools issue regular, old statement of words. Real artistes respond through ART! So yesterday, Beyonce posted two pictures to her site of her, the slutty camel and the deity that Jesus prays to every night, Blue Ivy Carter (in a matching dress, of course), at the Kara Walker exhibit at the Domino Sugar Factory in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Beyonce dressed herself up like the perfect, little Stepford Wife.
Once again, I have to ask, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!!!?!
Did Beyonce do herself up like the perfect, little 1960s housewife, because she’s telling everyone that Jay-Z is a controlling husband who expects her to be his subservient woman? After Jay-Z comes home after a long day of sticking his whore dick in side piece after side piece, does he expect Beyonce to have dinner (that was prepared by their in-house chefs) on the table and his home to be in pristine condition (thanks to the team of maids) and Blue Ivy Carter fast asleep in her solid gold manger after her weeknight nanny Michelle Williams sang her a lullaby? Is that what Beyonce’s trying to tell us? That Beyonce is the Julia Roberts to Jay-Z’s Patrick Bergin? Blink three times if you need help, Beyonce. Blink three times.
No, Beyonce’s not that deep. She probably dressed like that, because Tina Knowles programmed her to wear that dress with those shoes.
As expected, the First Lady of the Illuminati performed at the 50th birthday party of the First Lady of the United States on Saturday night. Beyonce (the gorgeous blonde white woman in the picture above) put on one of Tina Turner’s old dresses and sang “Single Ladies” and “Irreplaceable” for Michelle Obama while Obama did the Dougie in front of 500 guests. It was just like my mom’s 50th birthday party, but instead of Obama doing the dougie, my drunk tio did the barefoot salsa and instead of Beyonce performing, we played a warped Hector Lavoe cassette on a battery-powered Boombox.
The Chicago Tribune says that guests including the Clintons, Jennifer Hudson, Kal Penn, the Bidens, Nancy Pelosi, Donna Brazile, Sir Paul McCartney, Janelle Monae, Ashley Judd, Billie Jean King and Al “White House Sharter” Roker all sipped champagne as Beyonce, John Legend and Stevie Wonder entertained their asses. It was a no cell phone party and they didn’t want anybody uploading pictures to social media. But that didn’t stop Beyonce from taking pictures before and after the party. Beyonce put a bunch of pics on her site including that one above of her with Bo. Or maybe that’s Sunny. All black dogs look the same to me. (No dog racist.)
What’s really fucked up is that Beyonce obviously made her Photoshop team spend hours on touching her up, yet she couldn’t ask them to fix Bo’s eye? Poor Bo. Beyonce made him the Michelle Williams of White House dogs. And if the pictures of Blue Ivy Carter are from this weekend, then the Obamas are just like us! They keep their Christmas tree up until February and if they’re really like my mom, they’ll plant the dead tree in the backyard and pretend it looks pretty.
In Ibiza today, Beyonce carried our messiah Blue Ivy Carter (who’s looking more and more like a miniature Jay-Z) up a ramp while wearing a pair of black stilts and coochie cutters. Don’t worry, if Beyonce’s ridiculous ass slipped and she fell, her magical golden weave would transform into angels wings and fly her to safety. You can’t tell from these pictures, but in the water below, there’s a pod of dolphins holding a swan feather mattress with their mouths just in case Blue Ivy Carter or her royal highness Beyonce fell overboard.
I’m sure Beyonce’s heels scratched up the floor of that yacht. And I’m even more sure that the yacht’s owner isn’t going to fix the floor, because he knows the Bumblebeys will pay him to lick the scratches that Bey made.