In Ibiza today, Beyonce carried our messiah Blue Ivy Carter (who’s looking more and more like a miniature Jay-Z) up a ramp while wearing a pair of black stilts and coochie cutters. Don’t worry, if Beyonce’s ridiculous ass slipped and she fell, her magical golden weave would transform into angels wings and fly her to safety. You can’t tell from these pictures, but in the water below, there’s a pod of dolphins holding a swan feather mattress with their mouths just in case Blue Ivy Carter or her royal highness Beyonce fell overboard.
I’m sure Beyonce’s heels scratched up the floor of that yacht. And I’m even more sure that the yacht’s owner isn’t going to fix the floor, because he knows the Bumblebeys will pay him to lick the scratches that Bey made.
Meteorologists reported that during the past week (no, they didnt), temperature rose by 30% (no, they didn’t) and that’s all because the sun came closer to the Earth to get a peek at Beyonce’s newly cut hair. Temperatures also rose, because another hole was burned into the ozone layer when all the Bumblebeys of the Beyhive torched their weaves, wigs and lace fronts. Beyonce cutting her hair changed the universe and changed the world!
Well, Beyonce’s short, natural hair lasted about as long as a Kanye queef. While leaving a restaurant with Jay-Z and the chosen one in Miami today, Beyonce worked a butchered, slanted bob that made her look like a bootleg Keri Hilson which is saying a lot since Keri Hilson looks like a bootleg Keri Hilson. That thing on Beyonce’s head looks like it’s growing tails and I really want to see it dance to an Aretha Franklin song with the hillbilly Hagrid on his porch.
And I’m sure one of Beyonce’s hairstylists is going to tell People that this isn’t a weave or a wig. It’s Beyonce’s hair! Her hair naturally grew 3 or 4 inches in a week. It’s Beyonce! Her follicles can do that.
That high-pitched scream that’s peeling layers of skin off of your ear canals is coming from Suri Cruise as she puts on her sturdiest stomping heels to destroy her cheap, pedestrian Disney princess tiara. The staff at Cartier better brace themselves, because Suri is going to jump through their glass doors and throw her Black AMEX at them as she demands to see their most expensive crown. She doesn’t want anything from the showroom either. She wants to see some shit from the vault! Blame Beyonce.
Beyonce kept it demure as always by posting a few “personal” pictures of her highness Blue Ivy Carter on her official Tumblr. Beyonce posted a picture of BIC wearing a crown made of North West’s crystallized tears, Goopy Paltrow’s kidney stones, the white fur from a missing red panda, and a Chivas Regal velvet bag. And that’s just BIC’s daytime crown! Beyonce also posted a picture of BIC’s House of Dereon couture dress (made from the moth balls that Basement Baby coughs up) and a picture of her custom-made ballerina heels. That picture of BIC’s heels is a direct threat to Suri Cruise. That’s BIC’s not-so-subtle way of telling Suri that she better stand back because the real high heel-wearing baby queen is coming through.
And yes, I’m sure BIC got photo approval. BIC’s assistants show her a picture and if she spits up, that means she hates it and her assistants immediately throw it into the fire. They throw themselves into the fire too for wasting the baby queen’s precious time.
Paris is currently being cleansed the ethereal light shooting off of the chosen one’s invisible halo, because Blue Ivy Carter is there with Beyonce and Jay-Z and all of them ate food at a restaurant today. B.I.C. is barely 1 years old and she’s already taller than Kevin Hart (but who isn’t?), which means that she’s going to be at least 8 feet tall. That’s the way nature intended her to be, because then she can really look down at the peons below her. And I’m sure everybody who publishes these pictures will soon get a letter from Blue Ivy Carter’s lawyers, because I see her throwing a “you know I have to approve these pictures before you publish, right?” side-eye. Just like her mom!
Soon, Blue Ivy Carter will look down on us regular peons both figuratively and literally. As Beyonce and Blue Ivy Carter were walking to their SUV after having brunch at Buttermilk Channel in Brooklyn yesterday, someone was able to get a picture of the 14-month-old chosen one. They were able to take this picture right before Beyonce’s bodyguards ordered them to bow down to the holy queens of the universe.
But seriously, there must be some serious kinds of growth hormones in the diamonds that Beyonce and Jay-Z feeds Blue Ivy Carter, because that is one tall one year old. Blue Ivy’s line on the growth chart is above Kevin Hart’s, Tommy Girl’s and Ryan Seacrest’s.
It must be those Timbs. Those baby Timbs are so damn heavy that they’re stretching out her legs.
QUICK! Grab a piece of paper, poke a hole into it, hold it up to the screen and look at the picture of Blue Ivy Carter’s face through it or her gloriousness will burn your eyes.
Beyonce shows us the chosen one’s full face in her Beyoncementary, which airs tomorrow, but a picture from the documentary has leaked and is spreading all over the internet. It’s been a year since we’ve seen Blue Ivy Carter’s face and yes, she’s totally Jay-Z’s daughter.
And yes, Blue Ivy Carter’s eyebrow situation is already in a league of its own, but I really wish she would’ve worn her diamond encrusted halo for the cameras.
Jay-Z And Beyonce Spend $1 Million A Year On A Nursery That Blue Ivy Carter Sometimes Spends Time In
When normal people go to see a basketball game at a stadium, they usually leave their kid with a $10/an hour teenage babysitter or if they’re a Lohan, they leave their kid in the backseat of the car with a bottle full of gin. But when the duke and duchess of the one percent, Jay-Z and Beyonce, go to Brooklyn’s Barclays Center, which he owns less than 0.2% of, they drop Blue Ivy Carter and her team of nannies in a luxury nursery that they pay over $83,000 a month for. MONEY: Jay-Z and Beyonce like wasting it!
A source tells UsWeekly that Barclays rents out 11 private suites and, of course, Jay-Z’s cost the most. When Blue Ivy Carter isn’t slobbering on the walls of Jay-Z’s private suite, he lets his friends use it. The source said this mess of words:
“Jay rents a luxurious basement suite for $1 million a year. It has an area for Blue filled with toys. It’s all glass with a champagne bar and TV screen. Jay lets friends use his digs when he’s not there.”
Oh okay, so Blue Ivy Carter’s nursery is just in an “area” of Jay-Z’s suite. Let’s say Blue Ivy Carter’s private space takes up 25% of the suite, that’s around $20,000 a month for a nursery space that she sometimes sits in every now and again. Jay-Z and Beyonce spending that much money on BIC’s sometime nursery makes sense, because studies show that little babies are so much happier and healthier when they’re sitting in luxury spaces!
If I went to BIC’s luxurious nursery at Barclays and asked her if she’s happy, she’d stop playing with her rattle carved out of a giant diamond and say to me, “Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool.”
If I went to the playpen in the kitchen that my cousin’s baby plays in and asked her if she’s happy, she’d stop playing with her plastic blocks from The Dollar Tree and say to me, “Googoojiggablahblahsingladiesgaggadrooooool.”
See, haterz, THE FACTS DON’T LIE!
Well, look who’s dropping a
deuce new cook book on April 2nd! It should be on April 1st since you would have to be an April Fool to buy this shit. It’s Goopy McPoopy, aka Gwyneth Paltrow, once again hammering us commoners in the head with the fact that we’ll never be as good, beautiful, or fabulous as she is. In her new book called It’s All Good, or formally It’s All Good: Delicious, Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great (but not as great as me, ever, fucking plebes), Gwyneth condescends to give her recipes for things like Hummus Tartine with Scallion-Mint Pesto, Salmon Burgers with Pickled Ginger, and Freshly Clubbed Antarctic Baby Seal with Roasted Organic White Truffle and Crushed Blood Diamond Sauce. Maybe I made that last one up.
None of that shit sounds easy to me, so this has me thinking that I should come out with my own cookbook. Something like A Lazy Hor’s Guide To The Kitchen, featuring recipes for Beefaroni, Hamburger Helper, Easy Mac, Microwave TV Dinners and Pizza Hut. Step 1: open can. Step 2: heat and eat! Bonus: my recipes won’t leave you terrified to step away from the toilet for hours on end (in fact they often have the opposite effect), and even my broke ass can afford it. You’re welcome!
You can read more about her book on Amazon and how these recipes are a product of some sadistic ass doctor’s recommendation that she go on an elimination diet featuring no coffee, no alcohol, no sugar…okay, just stop right there. I thought this food was supposed to make me feel GOOD, not depressed.
I already linked to a few pictures at Lainey of Beyonce struttin’ into Bergdorf Goodman in NYC with a huge dollop of Baduizm on her head and little Blue Ivy Carter in her arms, and here’s a picture from the inside someone tweeted earlier today. Beyonce and Jay-Z’s team of security guard ninjas must’ve been hungover or some shit, because usually when they see you pull out a cell phone while in the presence of the chosen one, they’ll tackle you to the floor, drag you out of the store, throw you into a van, drive you out to a deserted field, drop you into a shaft and before you know it Basement Baby is handing you a plate of hors d’oeuvres made of moth balls as a welcome gift. But that didn’t happen and the Internet got the first picture of B.I.C.’s face in six months. She has a whole lot hair! She has a whole lot of cheeks! She has some Jay-Z in the face! Now, every church in the world can update the portrait they have on their Shrine to Blue Ivy Carter.
And I don’t know what has Beyonce and Jesus’ successor so hypnotized. I’m guessing what they’re staring at is covered in rare red diamonds and/or is so expensive that it needs two tags to fit its full price. Because if that wasn’t the case, they’d both be yawning while saying “NEXT!” with their eyes.
via E! Online
Pass this to the team of philosophers studying the meaning of the name of our new messiah. After Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their first born the name of the champagne room at The Blue Iguana, theories as to why they gave her that name ranged from, “Hos named her after a tree covered in Smurf jizz” to “Hos are obsessed with the color blue and number 4.” There’s a new theory out there and this one comes from the mother of the infinite blue light of holiness herself. Beyonce slapped a passage from Rebecca Solnit’s “A Field Guide to Getting Lost” onto her Tumblr page and The Atlantic Wire (via Crunk + Disorderly) thinks it unlocks the meaning of Blue Ivy™ Carter’s name. I don’t know about that, but I do know it will unlock the meaning of the eye roll you’re about to make. The Atlantic Wire broke it down for us:
“The world is blue at its edges and in its depths,” Solnit writes in the passage Bey posted. “This blue is the light that got lost.”
It’s the opening to “The Blue of Distance,” the second chapter. If Beyoncé read past the opening passage, then she understands the depth behind the chapter’s name.
Solnit sees value in cherishing the desire she associates with the color, instead of treating desire as “a problem to be solved.” Or in other words, looking into the “blue of distance” without wanting the distance to go away.
File that under: Beyonce Has Had WAY Too Much GOOP In Her Life. But seriously, Beyonce probably just Googled “Blue” and “deep shit” and after that passage came up, she threw it on her Tumblr page to give bitches something to blog about. And I fell for it.
Beyonce can try to throw us off the trail all she wants, but we all know she either named Periwinkle Fern after the belly rash she got from wearing that pillow all those months or after the secret password needed to get into the Illuminati’s lair. You tried it, Bey.