Since I’m a bit of a Theater Duchess (not yet a Theater Princess or Theater Queen), I’ve known that along with belting out musical notes in ALL-CAPS, giving her unfiltered thoughts on things is something Patti LuPone is not afraid to do. Patti was on Watch What Happens Live last night, and leave it to beef sautéer extraordinaire Andy Cohen to get her to go off on everything from Madonna’s “acting” to live TV musicals to Abby Lee Miller. A couple of the things that Patti said last night have been said before by her, but she finally got to say them on national television. Praise that shifty Andy Cohen for bringing out a true gift for us devotees to petty drama.
Not that I’m hating on Andy Cohen’s shit-stirring antics, because they do give me something to post about. So shit-stir on, you shady bitch.
This past election was such a horrifying shit show (not that the current state of crap is any better) that it destroyed lives, ruined relationships and caused gingers to turn against each other. Mega example: The Queen of the Bernie Bros., Susan Sarandon, and Ride Or Die For Hillary team leader, Debra Messing. Their Twitter feud all started before Hillary Clinton won the Democratic nomination. Susan said that if the presidential showdown came down to Trump and Clinton, some Bernie Bros. would not be able to vote for Clinton. Also, while perched on her rich lady throne, Susan said that Trump’s win could bring on the revolution. Debra dragged Susan for that and it was on. One month after Susan and Debra’s Twitter fight royale, Susan was on Watch What Happens Live where she said that Debra needed a hobby. Susan was on Watch What Happens Live again on Monday and Andy Cohen brought out a microwave-safe dish to reheat the ginger beef between her and Debra.
Mariah Carey was on Watch What Happens Live (via ET) last night to push her mostly boring reality show, and whenever the Spanx-wrapped unicorn and the shifty Siamese Cat get together, the clubhouse floor gets covered with shadiness. Mimi didn’t totally disappoint last night.
I don’t have it that bad for Sting and yet, I’m questioning my job-choosing decisions. I should’ve tried to be a basic cable talk show host/Housewives pimp instead of a bitter blogger.
King and queen of the swingers scene, Sting and his wife Trudie Styler, were on Watch What Happens Live last night and they got into a game of Spin The Message In A Bottle with Andy Cohen. The rules were that they each had to spin a bottle before they were asked a question. If they didn’t want to answer the quetion, they had to kiss whoever the bottle landed on. If the bottle landed on themselves, they got to choose who to kiss.
Oh, Andy! That G-rated slumber party shit is a game that Jimmy Fallon would play! You’re on basic cable AND you’ve got those two kinky bitches in front of you. Andy should’ve told Trudie and Sting to clear their schedules for the rest of the week, because every time they didn’t want to answer a question, they would have to have 8-hour-long tantric fuck times with whoever the bottle was pointing at.
The feud between exes, Vivica A. Catface and 5 Cents, tongue-rolled straight into Ass Lickin’ Town last year after she said in so many words that she believes his tip may get moist for man booty. It all started when Fifty farted on Instagram about how Empire’s ratings dip was because of all the “gay stuff” and Vivica said on Watch What Happen Lives that it was all just a case of the pot calling the kettle a man booty lover. At the time, Fifty responded to Vivica by saying that she only thinks he’s gay because he “let her” glaze his wrinkled donut with her tongue. That takes us to last night.
Along with Leah Remini, 50 Cent was a guest on Watch What Happens Live and Andy Cohen just had to once again give us the image of Vivica making out with Fifty’s butt by bringing it up.
Andy Cohen has a Bachelor in Shit Disturbing from Shady Bitch University, so it shouldn’t come as any surprise that he once tried to throw a metaphorical cherry bomb into the direction of Taylor Swift’s ongoing feud with Katy Perry. In fact, I’d be more surprised to learn that Andy hadn’t done such a thing. So would his bosses at Bravo. They’d check his forehead and ask, “Are you feeling ok Andy?”