Thanks to Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, debuting your new baby’s face on the cover of a magazine for a check and/or maximum attention has truly become a lost attention whore art. But Andy Cohen is bringing it back and has posed with his dream baby for the cover of People Magazine. That loud wail you hear is Anderson Cooper crying out silver fox tears, because here he was thinking he was Andy Cohen’s dream baby forever. And yes, Andy’s 1-week-old son Benjamin Allen Cohen is giving me eyes that are saying, “Hate on my dad all you want, but you know you can’t hate on my magnificent natural bowl cut, bitch!”
In December, aspiring gay sugar babies and boy toys in the Tri-state area all crossed “Be Andy Cohen’s Kept Boy” off their list of goals to achieve in 2019 after finding out that a baby was moving into Andy Cohen’s apartment full-time and will be living there for at least 18 years. Only this baby is an actual baby. Andy announced that he hired a surrogate to carry the heir to his reality shit show empire, and that kid is now here to live a life of gazing at Uncle Anderson Cooper’s glorious silver locks on Barry Diller’s yacht and dodging wine glasses thrown by Housewives at reunions.
Christina Aguilera was on Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen last night, and during the Plead The Fifth segment, revealed that during the shooting of 2001’s Lady Marmalade video, Pink was a real gitchy-gitchy ya-ya-ya to her. Which might explain the story Pink told during her PT5th with Andy a couple of years back about Christina swinging on her at a club. Naturally, Andy asked Christina to tell her side of that story, but she seems to have come down with a case of Motherhood Onset Amnesia, because she pivoted away from the question. She gave a vague denial but did say that Pink used to intimidate her on the set of Lady Marmalade. So if she had tried to swing at her, there would have been motive.
Baby showers have always seemed like a dull concept to me ever since the most radical thing Miranda had at hers on Sex And The City was fried chicken and a diaper tree (eh, I guess the two go hand-in-hand). However, if you remotely know anyone with a working social media account, you couldn’t escape Andy Cohen’s baby shower over the weekend, hosted by OG Real Housewives NeNe Leakes, Vicki Gunvalson, Kyle Richards, Ramona Singer, and Teresa Giudice. Well, by host, that means those five all gave speeches at Beverly Hills outpost of The Palm, owned by Andy’s friend Bruce Bozzi. Alas, this day was not about Andy’s soon-to-arrive baby boy (I don’t think I saw much reference to children). This was about middle-aged women tossing back Chardonnay and Vicodin cocktails, dancing on tables (this is The Palm! Not Coyote Ugly!), and dropping f-bombs and acid…all on camera, of course.
Lindsay Lohan is really out here trying to shill her new reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club so she stopped by Andy Cohen’s SiriusXM show to talk to him and promote it. Since Andy is the biggest shit-stirrer this side of a toilet flush, he brought up how Paris Hilton dragged Lindsay on his show last month. Paris said that Lindsay crashed her night out with Britney Spears in 2006 and that’s how the “iconic” (was it?) photo called “Three Wrecks Sitting In A Car” was created. Well, Lindsay is here to defend her “good” name (is it?).
Meanwhile on CNN… as Jane Curtin declared that her New Year’s resolution is to dance on the grave of the Republican party after it dies, tequila nearly killed Anderson Cooper.
Andy Squared were back to hosting New Year’s Eve on CNN last night, and when I turned it on for a second, literal daddy-to-be (he’s expecting a boy, by the way) Andy Cohen was throwing a dramatic ass fit about some truly riveting umbrella drama, so I switched the channel. But apparently I missed the gift of The Silver Fox’s face contorting into “Mr. Burns while getting rimmed by a shark” every time he took a shot of tequila.