Emmys night this year was a big night for Big Little Lies, and the cast was elated to the point where Nicole Kidman laid a big ol’ kiss on Alexander Skarsgård right in front of her husband, Keith Urban. And now she has some ‘splaining to do. Continue reading
It seems like the life has been sucked out of vampire Eric and Alexa Chung’s relationship. After more than two years together, Alexander Skarsgard and Alexa Chung are done. Thank God, because “Alex&Alexa“ sounds like an IKEA ottoman and its slipcover.
But he’s not spending his nights all sad at home. Page Six says that Nordic hottie Alexander Skarsgard took a vacation from my wet dreams (oh, back off, prudes!) and went out with (Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex) model (well, duh) Toni Garrn. They went on a blind date to the Dairy Queen in Montauk last weekend. Just kidding, Dairy Queen is too nice a place for a first date!
However, it doesn’t sound like Alex and Toni will go out with each other again. A source said, “They didn’t hit it off big-time. There may not be a second date in the cards.” Maybe it’s too soon for Tarzan?
But back to Alexa. Along with making me scratch my head as to why Alexa is viewed as such a *Hi-FAhShUN mUuUuZZzzzzzZZe* to sartorialists everywhere, she has been a bit of a Jane of the Jungle, swinging from A-Lister to A-Lister. She dated the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys for a while, as well as a lengthy line-up of other rockers. Some even speculated Chris Martin was the jade egg in her vagine, and therefore why Gwyneth Paltrow and the Frodo of white people music consciously uncoupled. In short, I’m jealous.
Tall glass of Swedish leche, Alexander Skarsgard, is still in Capri, and yesterday the paps took pictures of him sunning his nipple knobs on a yacht. Poor ASkars’ skin looks about as hot as genitals get when its owner looks at shirtless pictures of him. His burnt-up body could really use a wet visit from some aloe vera. So on that note, I’m going to leave this here:
Sure that’s a spell to turn you into a shapeshifting animal, but I bet you could turn yourself into aloe vera instead. But before you shapeshift into aloe vera, make sure to give a trustworthy friend specific instructions on how to FedEx you to ASkars in Capri. Because you don’t want to go to all the trouble of shapeshifting into aloe vera only to find yourself getting spread all over a piece that ain’t ASkars.
Answer: Diddy gives a fuck, like a lot of fucks.
red beige and blue carpet posing portion of last night’s Met Gala, Diddy worked the cameras with his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again piece Cassie, and at one point he lounged on the steps like a man casually lounging on a display at Forever 21 while his girlfriend gets in a long line to try on a pair of jeans. That little smooth move brought out a dozen “Diddy Don’t Give A Fuck” headlines. Au contraire, bitch. Diddy does give a fuck and that shameless spotlight-shifting whore knew what he was doing.
Cassie stood there in a field of humongous ass sea urchins, working for those camera clicks, as Diddly easily got the cameras to move his way by casually strolling to the stairs for a little lounging time. Cassie’s dress is covered with giant plastic caterpillars (or are those giant Groucho Marx brows?) and Diddy gets all the attention by simply lounging like an evil vampire lounging on a velvet settee while eyeing his prey from across the room. Diddy wants us to think he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about her,” but we all know he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about moi.”
With that being said, I’d probably do the same thing, because standing is hard. And also, that dramatic lying down pose really does show off Diddy’s “Steven Seagal spending a casual afternoon at home” outfit.
And now we end our never-ending Mess Gala 2017 coverage with several dollops of hotness provided by the dudes of the night including ASkars, Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Luke Evans.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
I watched last night’s episode of Big Little Lies and completely missed the special guest appearance by the dick that flopped out of Alexander Skarsgard’s pants during a scene. But in my broken dickdar’s defense, the peen that popped out of ASkars’ pants during last night’s episode was most likely fake. Yes, it was big, but it was also a lie.
It was bad enough that The Legend of Tarzan’s not-right director vetoed Alexander Skarsgård swinging around the CGI jungle in a skimpy loincloth. We’ve now learned that there was a kissing scene between him and villain Christoph Waltz that was excised from the final product. Why not just have Tarzan rule the jungle in a parka, several petticoats, and a chastity belt?
The Playlist quotes director David Yates discussing a scene wherein Waltz (does he ever not play heavily accented inappropriate people?) kisses Eric Northman, former Sheriff of Area 5. While he’s unconscious. Wait – maybe not that sexy.
“We pared it back because it was almost too much. It was this really odd, odd moment when Christoph kisses him,” the director told The Times. “We loved it at the time. But early test audiences were perplexed by it and in the end it just felt too clever and overworked.”
I don’t know what’s so odd about wanting to kiss Alexander Skarsgård. Granted, Christoph Waltz smooching him while he’s unconscious might not be the homoerotic experience we all wish for Skarsgård. But that flick looks like it can use all the help it can get. They should have gone really primal with this mess and had ASKars running around nekkid like the apes that raised him. Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote a ridiculous-ass story, so really go with it. Minus the flinging of shit.
And of course test audiences were perplexed. Test audiences are always perplexed. I’m pretty sure test audiences aren’t actually human. They put some cattle to graze in front of the screen. When they low at something, some dipshit producer looks up from his coke tray and demands the scene be cut. Hollywood is the worst.
Here’s some pics of an overly dressed Alexander Skarsgård leaving the Groucho Club in London this week.
Pics: Warner Bros.,Splash