Chris Brown continued to make wonderful decisions by getting a gigantic tattoo on his head. Well, at least he’s abusing his own head instead of someone else’s. So there’s that. Chris threw up evidence of his new work of art on Instagram, but quickly snatched it down. But by the time he yanked it down, it had already been saved and passed around.

Complex says Chris’ head tattoo is supposed to be Venus de Milo and it sort of looks like Venus de Milo as seen through the eyes of that amazing court room artiste who captured Tom Brady as his true self. That tattoo looks more like a nauseous Lena Dunham with a plastic bag covering her hair. But seriously, after looking at it up close, I love it!

Just like Justin Bieber’s Sassy Jesus tattoo, Chris’ Venus de Side-Eye tattoo is judging him for all of his bad decisions so we don’t have to. It’s the greatest thing he’s ever done!

Pic: @RnBassMusic

In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.

Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.

As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.

To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.

And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“

Many of us dry barfed for days when a song from Tyga called “Pleazer” was spat up onto the Internet and we listened to him bragging about doing statutory rape shit and rapping about drinking vagina juice in the morning like it’s orange juice. (Surprisingly, Tropicana hasn’t used “Pleazer” in a commercial yet.) The shell-less turtle tried to act like those poetic lyrics weren’t about his girlfriend Kylie Jenner, but his mouth is a bona fide lie machine, so nobody believed his denials. Since Tyga knows that the only time people pay attention to his music is when he raps about humping on newly legal Kylie, he did it again.

As Gawker points out, Tyga recently butt squirted out a new mixtape called Fuk What They Talkin Bout and on it is a song called $tiumlated. In that song, Tyga’s mouth dribbled out these words (Warning: These lyrics may make your genitals run up into your body):

They say she young
She should have waited
She a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated

And a little later on in the song, he brought the grossness again by dropping this dingle:

She a big girl dawg,
I’m puttin’ in,
Yeah I’m penetrating

So poetic. So pure. Tyga should use his talents to write a musical. Woody Allen can write the book for it, Roman Polanski can direct and Subway Jared can provide the catering during rehearsals. Josh Duggar already has his credit card out and is waiting to buy a ticket.

Pimp Mama Kris must be so proud and that was served without one ounce of sarcasm. I’m sure she temporarily took her mouth off of the virgin she feeds off of to text Kylie with: “Awww, my little moneymaker is inspiring great musicians. Proud of u and don’t forget to tell Tyga that I’ll take my 50% cut in cash.”

And here’s the blueprint for Kylie’s life leaving a restaurant yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

My brain is a wet mound of useless information and I usually know whose genitals are currently touching, but either I didn’t know or I forgot that nerd boner-inducer Alison Brie and Dave Franco are a thing. Dave and Alison have apparently been bumping nipples full-time since early 2012 and now she’s going to be James Franco’s sister-in-law. I don’t know how this happened, but it’s happening. E! News has a picture of Alison at the premiere of her new movie Sleeping With Other People and on her hitchin’ finger is an engagement ring. Alison’s rep told E! that it’s true.

I can exclusively report that the Community star and Neighbors funny man are engaged. Brie’s rep confirms the big news.

Brie, 32, and Franco, 30, have reportedly been dating since January 2012. The two have remained tight-lipped about their relationship. In fact, they’re so private that it’s difficult to find photos of the two of them together. In the spring, they both attended the Met Gala, but didn’t walk the carpet separately

They’ve been together for over 3 years, which is 100 years in Hollywood time, so they probably figured that they had a good run and should ruin their relationship by getting married. No, I’m sure they’ll be together forever as long as Alison knows that no matter how hard she tries, she’ll never fuck Dave Franco as good as Dave Franco fucks Dave Franco.

And hopefully during their wedding ceremony, the officiant will make Alison repeat the words, “I promise to love you, cherish you and prune your overgrown Eddie Munster brows with a damn machete.”

Pic: @NBA

The Ashley Madison hack has already exposed Porky Pig’s child-touching cheating second cousin, an insane Christian vlogger, the executive director of the Louisiana GOP and the lead prosector in the Casey Anthony case. The hack also went from “shit got serious” to “shit got sad” when it was reported that two men in Toronto may have killed themselves because of it. Well, now the Ashley Madison hack is coming for reality tricks. Dean McDermott and Eddie Cibrian can both breathe out two giant sighs of relief, because their names haven’t come up (yet). But the names of Snooki’s husband and a husband on The Real Housewives of NYC did come up.

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The Dow Jones may have taken a tumble today, but the Meow Jones is doin all right, son. – Nutty Poppins skabazzle

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Meow money, meow problems. – FluffKitteh

Pic: Instagram (Thanks Rose)