Gwyneth Paltrow Pays People $5,240 To Give Her Violent Aggressive Facials

I’m sorry for those of you who read the words “Gwyneth Paltrow aggressive facial” and your mind immediately went to a shameful dark disgusting stomach-turning place. It’s my fault; I’ll grab you some brain bleach and the number for Lacuna Inc.

When her majesty Gwyneth Paltrow wants to tighten up her snobby pores and smooth out the stuck-up wrinkles on her insufferably smug face, she doesn’t pull out a tube of cold-pressed organic dolphin tears or a single-use jar of crème de la white tiger placenta. Why? Because she’s not a bougie bitch, that’s why! Ew, can you even imagine Princess Goopy slathering her precious visage in something as budget as white tiger placenta? No, when Gwyneth Paltrow tells Hello! (via E!) that when she wants to wake up looking smooth and refreshed, she hops into her LX-5 Gleep-Glorp (it’s a very exclusive luxury sedan from Jupiter that you definitely can’t afford, so don’t bother) and zips over to a super-secret snobby rich white lady clinic to get slapped in the face with a laser:

The actress loves the effective but not-so-pleasant Thermage laser treatment. “It’s non-invasive but it’s quite painful, like having your face smacked with a rubber band that has an electric shock in it. But it works.”

The Thermage treatment is also commonly known as the “face-ironing treatment.” The treatment boosts collagen levels in the skin’s lower layers, creating a tightening effect to the top layer.

But even if you’re up for the pain, Thermage laser treatments will cost you. A half-face treatment costs around $3,900, while a full-face treatment comes with the hefty price tag of $5,240.

I bet it doesn’t even hurt that bad normally, but they turn up the laser full-strength when Goopy comes in just so they can experience the satisfying feeling that comes from getting to slap the smug off her face. They’re probably not even using a laser; they’re just covering her eyes and snapping actual elastic bands on her face for 10 minutes while the receptionist runs her credit card through the machine for $5,240. And just like that, I think I’ve found a way for Michael K and I to make a shitload of money off of dumb vain hos and retire at 35 (cut to us one year later at 36 spending our last $20 on a plate of Bacon Ranch Quesadillas at Chili’s and searching the ETC section of Craigslist).

And I’m surprised that Gwyneth didn’t elaborate on her painful experience with facial ironing by comparing it to her face bravely fighting in a war zone.

George Clooney And Amal Alamuddin Might Get Married At Downton Abbey

Once again, George Clooney has consulted his How To Really Sell The Idea That You’re Totally Going To Go Through With This Wedding Thing instruction manual and learned that shortly after you throw an engagement party, the next step is to look for a venue. The Daily Mail (which is shorthand for “Do not bet money on this”) says that George Clooney flew to London on Wednesday and took his fiancé Amal All The Pudding to scope out Highclere Castle, aka DOWNTON ABBEY, as a potential wedding venue. According to a source (the ghost of Pharaoh) Amal doesn’t really watch TV, but she’s a huge Downton Abbey fan, so George asked his Monuments Men co-star Hugh Bonneville, who plays Lord Crawley on Downton, to give them a tour. Because that’s how it works, I guess? Hey Tom Hanks, you were in Apollo 13: give me a tour of NASA.

“‘George loves the idea of marrying at the castle, because it’s a glamorous place he could secure,’ says the source. ‘And the same way Kanye West and Kim’s wedding guests were given a private tour of The Palace of Versailles, a private tour of not only the castle and grounds, but of the famous Egyptian Antique Exhibition in the Castle cellars could be arranged.” 

I’m sorry, anonymous source, but did you just name-check The Klump$ in the same sentence as George Clooney? The Dowager Countess would like you to have several tastefully-upholstered seats.

I don’t really believe George Clooney is going to go through with this wedding, because if George Clooney gets married, it will throw the earth off its axis, and he’s too much of a humanitarian to doom the people of earth. BUT if he actually does, I don’t see him getting married at Downton Abbey. It’s too private! He needs to prove to everyone (ie. Vegas bookies) that he actually went through with it, and how can you do that when you’re secluded away in the countryside? On the other hand, there is enough room at Downton Abbey to land a helicopter in case he gets cold feet and needs Brad Pitt to whisk him away like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. “Oh Brad, it was terrible! I almost went through with it!”

Pic: Splash, Bustle

Jewel’s Trompe L’Oeil Titties Are Confusing Me

Unless you just took two hits of gas station acid (if so, go directly to the nearest pay phone and call Iyanla Vanzant to fix your damn life) you shouldn’t be worried that it looks like Jewel’s chesticles are vibrating like a science fair project on sound waves. Jewel must have hired Kim Kardashian’s makeup artist, because she showed up to last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards with such thick contouring around her titty balls, it looked like someone had drawn them on with a brown Sharpie. Even the sloppiest drag queens are throwing her shade (she doesn’t need it; her tits are shaded enough).

Contouring your chichis is really tricky: too light and it looks like you’ve done nothing, too dark and it looks like you got titty-fucked by a filthy rando at Burning Man. But this is…I don’t know what this is. Jewel’s tits are contoured so hard, it looks like Titception – a tit within a tit within a tit. Dear Jewel: your contouring should never be so harsh that your cleavage ends up looking like a crotch shot.

While Jewel and her Picasso boobies took the trophy for Messiest Makeup, the title of Most Messiest was snatched away by a high class hooker-looking Shakira. Everything looked like it was found at a Laughlin, NV strip mall, from that bleached-out bus stop weave, to the dress that looks like the bastard child of a three-way between a butterfly stripper top, a pair of fence nets, and a yard of teal spandex. And the award for Most Kardashian went to human butterscotch sundae, Taylor Swift (but you can call her Kaylor Swifdashian) who I guess thought she was going to the opening of a Forever 21 store and stole an outfit from one of the Jenner girls.

Here’s more of Jewel, Shakira, and Taylor Jenner, along with some other fancily-dressed tricks at the ACMs last night in Las Vegas, including a very delicate in the face Keith Urban, Nancy O’Dell wearing a Mother of the Slut Dress Bride dress, and Lil’ Chick’n Nugget herself, Jamie Lynn Spears-Watson!

Pics: Splash

Why Do I Have The Urge To Pour A Cup Of Blue Liquid Down The Middle Of Her Dress?

No offense to whomever designed this dress (who was it, Always or Kotex?) but it looks like the kind of gross off-brand maxi pads you used to get in your high school washroom for $0.25. You know, the kind that always felt like someone had pressure-compressed a super-absorbency adult diaper? Basically what I’m trying to say is this dress looks like something you’d find under the sink in the abandoned guest bathroom at your memaw’s house. “I think it’s a maxi pad, but what year is it from? 1972?”

Lots of fancy hoes came dressed to the 3’s last night at the 2014 amfAR Gala, including our good friend Flo (it’s actually Lily Aldridge). I guess last night’s theme was A Tribute To Afternoon Naps, because everyone was dressed kind of like they woke up on the couch at 5pm and remembered they had somewhere to be. Like Alan Cumming, who clearly panicked when he realized the only clean suit he had left in his closet was the brown one he wore the year he dressed up as an elegant poo for Halloween. Or model Crystal Renn, who’s fucked-up liquid eyeliner says ‘I was done in the car every time we stopped at a red light”‘

I call this look: “GODDAMNIT! Stop fucking braking so hard!”

Here’s more of the amfAR Gala, and please put your hands together for the two people who embodied the spirit of Zzzz the most: Dree Hemingway, who said ‘Fuck it, I’m not changing out of my pyjamas’ and Ireland Baldwin, who is giving the exact same face a baby makes when you abruptly wake it up from a nap:

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

Sharon Stone Has Never Watched Porn, So Says Sharon Stone

Seen above making a “What is that creature and how soon can I have it turned into a shrug?” face, Sharon Stone showed up to a screening for Lovelace at MoMA in NYC last night. Sharon plays porn legend Linda Lovelace’s mother and since the movie is about the making of Deep Throat, Vulture asked her if she’s ever seen it. The mainstream soft-core queen of the 90s almost ran to Claire’s and bought a pair of pearls to clutch, because she was shocked by the question:

She hadn’t seen Deep Throat prior to making Lovelace, she told us at a Cinema Society screening last night. (“Why would I?”) And she hasn’t seen it since. “I have never seen a pornographic film,” she added. Seriously? “Yes.”

Why would she?! Why wouldn’t she?! Sharon Stone is trying to tell me that she’s had fake onscreen sex with almost every actor in the 90s, but she’s never watched a fuck film? Sharon is like me the time I got caught watching porn at work. I switched to a spreadsheet and said, “Porn? I don’t even know what that is!” If only I could morph into a Komodo Dragon and bite Sharon’s lying tongue.

Vulture then asked Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Chuck Traynor in Lovelace, if he’s ever watched porn. Since he’s that fancy bitch who probably asks to speak to the tea sommelier when he goes to a restaurant, he spit out some fanciness:

“The only kind of pornography that has ever held an interest for my mind, for any length of time — because pornography by its very nature is kind of just momentary — is Scandinavian pornography. It’s always very beautiful. They filmed it, and they had a kind of flair. I remember seeing … I think her name was Seka. She wouldn’t have sex very much, it would all just be kind of like, Seka, being awesome. Very shabby-chic, also. Yeah, kind of like, fairy. Shabby-chic fairy.

It’s old, so it feels okay to watch. [Laughs.] Because I think a lot of pornography now is just so brutal, unbelievably brutal. And I know it probably was back in the time that I have a memory of it being not brutal, in its own way it is. But now it’s like, so obvious that it’s not — I don’t know what it’s for. There’s not too many people making love doing porn these days.”

When I Googled “Scandinavian porn,” I got a picture of a chick doing a guy with her hand and a dildo. Yeah, a dildo and not a lutefisk. I was disappointed too.

What is with these people and porn?! I’m sure that late last night, Peter Sarsgaard went into the bathroom and fapped to Brazzers on his iPad. He did it on a bathroom rug from Ikea, so that practically makes it a sensual Scandinavian experience.

Pics: Splash

You Too Can Look Like A Fresh Spring One Percenter For Just $458,000

Goop’s Fashion Picks for Spring is so damn popular and she get so many requests for it that she has brought it back for a third year in a row. 99% of those emails are probably from people telling her to please bring it back up, because it makes them laugh so damn hard that they make a wet spot in their $2 cotton panties from KMart. If you’re Elin Nordegren, all you have to do is shake the change of your purse and you can buy everything on Goopy Paltrow’s fashion list for spring. If you’re everybody else, all you have to do is sell your house, sell your car, sell every drop of blood in your body, empty out your checking account, rob a bank and blow Charlie Sheen a few times, and you too can buy a bunch of designer clothes you can’t wear anywhere without looking a fool.

In this week’s edition of Goop, Goopy showed her readers how they can update their spring wardrobe using stuff they can buy from Net-A-Porter. E! totaled everything up on her list and it came to only $458,003! On the list is a $5,495 Valentino bag, $850 Alexander Wang leather shorts (which will make you look like you have a wang) and an $895 Victoria Beckham dress. The $475 fancy shorts in the picture above are perfect to wear during a lunch date with your husband. When he doesn’t show up, the shininess of the shorts will make you forget that your husband hates you, because you’re ridiculous and is probably in a cheap motel room shoving his face in a pile of Twinkies just to spite you.

My favorite thing on the list is a $1,615 skirt, which Goopy says is a wonderful thing to wear during a night in with your friends. Yes, a $1,600 ball gown skirt is the perfect thing to wear while hanging out with your friends at home. Oh, you’ll feel so comfortable wearing a $1,600 skirt while lounging on your red panda leather sofa. When your friend Bunny accidentally spills a glass of vintage Krug (it’s a casual night-in, you save the good stuff for formal events) on your $1,600 skirt after you tell a joke about how you saw Muffy carrying a COACH purse into the tennis club, you don’t have to freak out. It’s just a casual $1,600 skirt. You’ll just tell your maid to cut it into squares to use as wee wee pads for the Burmese ponies you bought for little Pomegranate and Jeduthun.

I really hope Goop stays so unaware and never pulls her head out of her ass, because all of this is gold. Oh wait, I don’t mean gold. Gold is for the poors!