Category: This Is News
No, Zayn Malik’s Gay Sex Tape Didn’t Leak
There are a few things that’ll make me click for my life and those few things are:
- A celebrity peen pic.
- A peen pic of anyone.
- Porn.
- A note from the IRS saying that I owe a shitload in back taxes and are about to get audited. (Yes, I still almost fall for IRS scams in 2016. I’m your grandma.)
So, when several of you sent me e-mails today with the subject, “Pics Of Zayn Giving A Beej,” I clicked so hard that my mouse is dead and buried now. I clicked that poor bitch to death. I clicked as though it was 1999 and the e-mail subject was, “Pics of JC Chasez giving a blowjob.”
The hashtag #GottaZayn is trending on Twitter and that’s because of a couple of grainy and blurry pictures of a dude who sort of looks like Zayn Malik sucking on a peen. Someone on Twitter passed the pics around and said it was Zayn. The dude in the pics has grey hair and a black beard, so he’s Zayn-esque. But the pictures are so damn blurry that if you told me it was an abuelito playing a recorder vertically, I’d probably believe your ass. Gossip Cop got down to the mystery of the dick sucking video, and a source (read: their own eyes) popped the fap dreams of teen girls who really wanted to see Zayn in a gay sex tape by confirming that it’s not him:
The tattoos on the person in the X-rated footage don’t match those of Zayn’s, and neither does the nose piercing. There happen to be some facial similarities between Malik and the subject of the video, but it’s 100 percent not him.
If you want to see the video where the pics came from, (Not Safe For Prude Workplaces) click here. Zayn comes off like he has the energy of a wet pillow, and the dude in the video really gets into it, so that’s a dead giveaway right there.
So, that’s that. Zayn’s gay sex tape did not leak today. But well, Not-Zayn has probably already gotten a few offers to star in another One Direction gay porn parody called One Erection. I say “another,” because one already exists. Of course.
Pic: Instagram
Lena Dunham Was Injured By Her Flip-Flop
You probably already saw this story as a breaking news bulletin on CNN, but this highly important post is just in case you didn’t. Lena Dunham tripped over her flip-flop and ended up in the hospital. Fate obviously found her campaign to stop gun violence by defacing movie posters in NYC subway stations as ridiculous and ineffectual as the rest of us and wanted to punish her.
The Oberlin College sub-standard sushi activism supporter posted this pic on her Instagram (via Refinery 29).
But seriously I tripped over my flip-flop. Thank you to the amazing team at Lenox Hill who x-rayed me, determined it was just a stupid sprain and sent me back to work, intact but for my pride
I’m glad she’s ok because Girls needs a final season. I hate-watch that show and I need to find out if that fruit basket Hannah Horvath left outside of Adam and Jessa’s door had a pipebomb in it. However, there are some questions. Why the need for the angry/sultry Instagram photoshoot? Would we not have known she was in the hospital without the presence of the stethoscope and johnny? Are those high heels she’s wearing? Did she put those on as a joke considering her injury? Or out of spite? Is this a statement? Is it cultural appropriation to wear high heels on a gurney?
Check out some pics of Lena and Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) filming Girls in Brooklyn. Are those the evil flip-flops that hurt her?
Pics: Splash
Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Continue Their Re-Romance
As you’re all aware, I’m sure, there’s been whisperin’ goin’ ’round town that that-there little Miley Cyrus is back to knockin’ boots with that-there feller with the strange accent from that far way kangaroo place. Well, I’m not one to gossip, but it sure does look like she and Liam Hemsworth are workin’ on gettin’ the fire back in the chimney because they dun been seen holdin’ together again. Ok, enough of that talk, I’m getting a headache.
Queen of all things discrete and not loud or attention seeking, Miley Cyrus, has been keeping her rekindled romance with Liam on the down-low for a little while now. Back in May they were spotted holding hands in public. A month later the two were spotted holding hands (OMG! IT’S LOVE!) at Soho House in New York. And now the cheeriest chipmunk to ever hit a bong has been spotted with him again at Soho House in LA. Woah, they’re even committing to a place. People says they hung out with pals on Sunday, and Miley was once again seen wearing the 3.5 carat ring he gave her all the way back in the prehistoric time of 2013, when they were first engaged. And that wasn’t the only ohemgeesocute moment of the weekend for Miley. There’s a new Cyrus in town. A beagle named Barbie:
This appears to be more evidence that Miley is cancelling her membership to Crystals4Coochies.com and wants to be all domestic and shit. Her hair is growing out. She’s wearing outfits that cover the front, sides, and back of her genitals. And her tongue hasn’t tried to escape in what feels like forever. I think the Miley wedding we were all hoping for – an LSD-fueled trip into Beanie Baby hell set to the theme of Hee Haw – isn’t gonna happen. The least we can hope for now is a down-home backyard style with the dogs as ring bearers.
And here’s Miley and Liam chillin’ at Soho House:
Pics: Splash
BREAKING: Miley Cyrus And Liam Hemsworth Held Hands Again Last Night
Ever since “sources” started whispering that Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth were giving their relationship and engagement a second try, both Miley and Liam have kept pretty quiet about the whole thing. At one point, Liam himself straight-up said he wasn’t fixin’ to get hitched to the holler’s most in-heat chipmunk. The only person who was really talking about their wedding was Miley’s daddy Billy Ray Cyrus, but I just assumed that was the mixed-up nonsense rantings of a man who accidentally inhaled too much Bold Hold hair spray while styling that mess on his head.
Miley and Liam did another casual hand-holding pap walk while going into Soho House in NYC last night. I know – how ever would have known that was Miley Cyrus with all those clothes on? But yes, the one in the Canadian business jacket is Miley Cyrus, and the one in Forever 21 Ryan Gosling drag is Liam Hemsworth. Miley also made sure to give the paps a really good shot of her engagement ring, because of course she did. Get that engagement attention, girl!
That “source” who claimed Miley was reforming her grown-up Garbage Pail kid ways and turning herself into June Cleaver for Liam was clearly telling the truth. I mean, look how goddamn demure she is now. Walking? Holding hands? And in such a tasteful tube-top and sassy mall-walking granny pants? The old Miley would have entered Soho House by shooting out of a penis-shaped cannon wearing her interpretation of a wedding gown (aka white lace nipple covers and a rhinestone-studded g-string) with the words “Here cums the bride y’all” painted on her ass cheeks in silver body paint while pretending to jerk off a unity candle.
Ed O’Neill Didn’t Know This Was Britney Spears
Famous people get recognized all the time, and one of the most common places is at the airport. Ed O’Neill is famous for a whole bunch of reasons, but the two most obvious would be for playing Al Bundy on Married…with Children and Jay on Modern Family. So it should be no surprise that random people would stop him in the airport and ask for a picture. Ed was recently on Ellen, and he told a story about being recognized in the airport by a fan. The only thing was, the fan wasn’t some random person; it was Britney Spears, and he had no idea.
Ed says he was waiting to board a flight to Hawaii from LAX last May when Brit Brit approached him and said: “Oh, Mr. O’Neill, I love Modern Family, and you’re my favorite on the show.” I would have thought Britney would be more of a Mitchell fan, on account of him looking the most like a Cheeto (“Ah could just gobble him up!”). But no, Britney loves the grouchy grandpa types apparently. She asked Ed for a picture, and Ed agreed. How very un-Justin Bieber of you, Ed O’Neill.
Britney later tweeted the pic with the caption: “Fancy running into this guy! Such a sweetheart!!” Ed finally realized who the excited airport rando was after his manager texted him about it the next day. His daughter, of course, knew exactly who it was, and called him a moron for not recognizing that he was in the presence of such a legend. It all happens around the 3:08 mark below.
That was really nice of Ed, because he clearly made her day. I mean, look at Britney’s face! That’s the most life-like Britney has looked in years! The next time Britney’s handlers want a real, not-forced smile from her at an event, they should shout “Look! It’s the grandpa from Modern Family!”
Pic: Twitter
Duchess Kate And Prince William “Scrambled” To Hide The Title Of A Painting From The Obamas
This morning, Prince Hot Ginge made a thousand British mums cleanse the ears of their children with holy water by saying the word “arse” during an interview on BBC Radio 2, and believe it or not, that’s not the biggest British royal news today. The big British royal news is that before Duchess Kate and Prince William hosted President Obama and Michelle Obama in their Ballard Designs-looking ass sitting room at Kensington Palace, they hid a plaque that they thought would offend their American guests.
The Sun (via The Mirror) says that below the painting behind Duchess Kate and Michelle Obama in the picture above is a plaque with the title on it. The title of the painting is “The Negro Page.” Not one of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s minions gave it a thought until minutes before President Obama showed up.