The Porn Iguana Tried To Summon The Spirit Of Michael Jackson, And It Worked!

And judging by that SANS FARDS picture of the aftermath, Courtney Stodden also summoned the spirit of Angelica Pickles’ busted down Cynthia doll. Because The Porn Iguana definitely looks like Angelica Pickles used her to beat Tommy in the head before running over her with a tricycle.

Last night, the air in Southern California smelled like burnt plastic, and I figured that one of the Kartrashians farted again. But now I know what really happened. When you’re Courtney Stodden and you mix together massive amounts of Trader Joe’s wine, dark magic and a thirst for likes, you end up with a crispy fried rayon weave. Courtney and her purple rhinestone of a friend Sham Ibrahim held a seance on Periscope last night and tried to get Michael Jackson’s spirit to moonwalk into their presence. It worked, because Ghost Michael Jackson busted out a reboot of his Pepsi commercial on Courtney’s head:

Ok so during a seance to contact Michael Jackson, my hair went up in flames. I feel MJ had my curls catch fire as a sign he was there. His hair caught fire while filming a Pepsi commercial 🔥

A video posted by Courtney A Stodden (@courtneyastodden) on Apr 4, 2016 at 11:40am PDT

Maybe that wasn’t the spirit of Michael Jackson at all. Maybe it was Lucifer who took that open portal into Courtney’s house because he was coming to drag one of his minions, Doug Hutchison, down into the underworld with him. Or maybe it was Marilyn Monroe slapping at The Porn Iguana for wet scooting over her image time and time again. Yeah, that has to be it.

Pics: Splash, @CourtneyStodden

Harry Styles? More Like “Stanky Styles,” So Says Kendall Jenner

Since we’re on the subject of dudes that look like they reek of tonsil stones-encrusted dick cheese boiling in a pot of Brad Pitt’s ass crack syrup, here’s a CNN-worthy story about how Pimp Mama Kris’ #3 girl said that the Nick Jr. Mick Jagger could kill an elephant with his nasty stench.

During an episode of the pro-Illuminati docu-series Krapping Up the Kartrashians, dead-eyed Kendull Jenner and dead-eyed Kylie Jenner had riveting conversation about how her friends with PR benefits partner Harry Styles is Pig Pen’s stank hero. via The Daily Mail 

Speaking to her youngster sibling Kylie Jenner, 18, in an upcoming episode of their family’s E! reality TV show Keeping Up With the Kardashians she said: ‘I’ve asked him to shower more and told him a little deodorant never hurts.’

And this isn’t the first time Harry has been told by a girl that he stinks, as his ex-girlfriend Taylor Swift – whom he dated briefly in 2013 – claimed she couldn’t bring herself to kiss him when they were dating because he had ‘the worst breath.’

Now I’m not saying that deodorant doesn’t immediately snap back into its container when it gets near one of Harry Styles’ juicy pits, but I don’t think Kendull is the one to properly judge the scent of a human. Look at what she’s around a lot of the time. Most of her family members look like they smell like car paint, new plastic and the blood of Satan. Not to mention that they’ve most likely had every single one of their pores filled in with spackling paste and Botox, because pores are fugly! So whenever Kendull inhales the scent of anything that’s remotely human-smelling, her nostrils close up and she gets the heaves. Kind of like what you do whenever you see a Kartrashian post!

Pic: Wenn.com

Andie MacDowell Was Forced To Fly In “Tourist” Class And She Lived To Tell The Tale!

The next time you find yourself struggling through some serious shit and you’re not sure how you’re going to get through it, just close your eyes and think of Andie MacDowell’s tourist class struggles. If Andie can get through that, all of us can get through anything!

Twitter is really, really good place for two things: It’s a good place for people to spit at airlines for screwing up their trip. And it’s also a good place for people to exercise their RAGE muscle by getting mad over some shit a famou-ish type tweets out. Both of those things happened on Friday when noted movie ruiner Andie MacDowell complained to American Airlines on Twitter after they bumped her from first class to coach on a 1-hour flight from Charlotte, NC to Myrtle Beach, SC. Andie paid for a first class seat and she pre-booked a space for her dog friend, but the AA employee let her know that she couldn’t sit in 1A because there was nowhere to put her dog. The AA employee wouldn’t let Andie switch seats with another richie in first class. Andie tweeted that above tweet and immediately turned on people’s RAGE switch by calling coach “tourist” class.

When people stamped the “certified Goopy” label on Andie’s forehead, she said that she calls it tourist class because it sounds more glamorous and she’s only mad since she didn’t get what she paid for:

Not how I feel, I’m not superior at all just wish I hadn’t payed for first very expense. Lord honey hate on me if it pleases you, I paid for a flight to volunteer for literacy & didn’t get what I paid for.

I think tourist sounds more glamorous than coach. I had no idea other felt it sounded less because I fly tourist often.

Lessons learned, never complain on Twitter & don’t pay for first class on American Airlines. Only express gratitude…can we move on now.

Andie has a right to be pissed since she dropped a load of her Hallmark Hall of Fame movie money on a first class seat and didn’t get it, but I’m laughing at her calling coach “tourist” class. I’ve never heard that before and so I looked it up. Wikipedia tells me that in the olden times, “third class” was called “tourist class” on ships. That still makes her a certified Goopy, because you know Goopy Paltrow calls coach “steerage.” And if I was Andie, I would’ve stayed in first class with Rose’s mom and Molly Brown and made my dog sit in “tourist” with Jack Dawson.

Pics: Wenn.com, @AndieMacDowell3

Tom Brady Is A Freak Of Nature Who Has Never Tried Coffee

I know there are humans out there who don’t butt chug and mainline coffee like I do, and every time I meet one, I’m always surprised at how their arms aren’t covered in track marks since they’re obviously shooting Monster energy drinks directly into their veins. I mean, how else are they able to deal with people and function?

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen’s private chef recently said in an interview that they out-GOOP Goopy Paltrow in the strict-as-hell-diet department. Most of their diet is made up of vegetables and they don’t swallow anything with white sugar, gluten, white flour, iodized salt, dairy etc… In other words, Tom Brady’s jizz probably tastes like the green shake I had for breakfast today. (I’m trying to be a healthier me and yes, I continued to be a healthier me by having pizza and a brownie for lunch.) Tom’s chef also said that they don’t ever do coffee or caffeine. Well, while talking about stuff on the Boston radio show The Dennis and Callahan, the human embodiment of DERP said that he’s never ever tried coffee. This BREAKING NEWS piece of information fell out of Tom Brady’s mouth. via Boston.com

“I never had any coffee or anything like that. I just never tried it,” Brady said Monday morning on WEEI’s “The Dennis and Callahan Show.”

While Brady holds himself to wild dietary standards, he has a few weakness.

“Probably burgers or ice cream,” Brady said.

I once had a little fight of words with a trick who said that us humans don’t really like the taste of coffee and booze. We just programmed ourselves into liking the taste, because we like the way coffee and booze make us feel. That hating whore asked me if I would still guzzle down coffee and the sweet nectar if it had zero mind-numbing effects. I had to immediately excuse myself from that conversation to refill my cup of the sweet nectar, because thinking about living in a world where the sweet nectar doesn’t have any mind-numbing effects made me nervous. But anyway, it makes sense that Juan Valdez has never graced Tom Brady’s tongue. Tom Brady’s mind is already racing with a million thoughts (cut to a tumbleweed blowing through his head) and caffeine would make that worse. Besides, he gets a quick jolt of energy every time he goes, “WEEEEEE!“, down a slide. That’s his caffeine.

Pic: AP

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Explains The Face He Made When Lady Gaga Won

Entertainment Tonight, the Detective La Toya of entertainment news shows, got to the bottom of EVERYTHING by asking Leonardo DiCatchAHo about the spooked face he made when Lady Caca bumped into him while making her way to the stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries at the Golden Globes last night. The mystery of Leo’s cackling scared face has FINALLY been solved! (Not really.) We can all move on with our lives. (Not at all.)

After Leo won Best Actor in a Drama for that old-timey bearded hipster in the wild movie and Alejandro González Iñárritu won for directing it, they both talked to Entertainment Tonight backstage. Cameron Mathison (aka Ryan from All My Children) of ET told Leonardo that the moment when his Muttley laugh got interrupted by Gaga’s protruding cardboard hips trended on Twitter. Leo gave an extremely detailed explanation for what was running through his brain during that moment:

“That’s trending, huh? I just didn’t know what was passing me, that’s all.“

“What was passing me…” The shade continues. Shade on, Shade Queen Leo, shade on.

But Leo’s right. He didn’t know what was passing him. It could’ve been anything. It could’ve been that bear coming back for more. It could’ve been the Grim Reaper coming to collect him since he’s cheated death 3 times. It could’ve been an angry mob of his ex-pieces coming to get revenge on him.

Sorry, but it’s still not over. Yeah, Leonardo has spoken about the most riveting event of 2016, but I’m still going to need a highly skilled body language expert to tell me what he’s pointing at. My guess is that he’s pointing at Felicity Huffman and saying, “You got beat by Lady Caca, blehehehehehehehehehehehehe!”

Pics: Splash

A Woman In Kentucky Bit Her Husband’s Face And It’s All Hilary Duff’s Fault!

Brandi and Ethan Lester of Kentucky were watching TV one night last month when a commercial came on. One of them said, “That’s Hilary Duff,” and the other one of them said, “That’s not Hilary Duff, you dumb fuck.” Instead of Googling to find the answer, they did the next logical thing: they fought until the cops were called. Well, at least someone was talking about Hilary Duff in 2015.

WYMT (via Gossip Cop) says that Brandi Lester must take her Hilary Duff-recognizing skills very seriously because she went crazy on her husband. She threw shit across the room and screamed at him. Ethan told the local news that he tried to stop the stupid fight by giving her a truce kiss on the cheek, but Brandi’s rage switch was still set to 10 and she wasn’t ready cool down. Brandi bit Ethan’s cheek. Ethan called the cops and Brandi was busted for domestic violence and she faces fourth degree assault charges. I bet that The Home Wreckers Association of America are going to make Hilary Duff an honorary member, because her chipmunk ass destroys marriages without even trying.

But now Ethan says that it was all a misunderstanding. Ethan only called the cops because he was afraid Brandi was going to hurt herself. He wants everyone to know that she’s not a violent person. She only becomes a violent person when someone tests her ability to recognize Hilary Duff!

The one thing we’re all probably wondering when it comes to this story is if Hilary Duff was really in that commercial. It’s the question of the year and it’s only January! The Sheriff’s Department must’ve used all their resources and spent hundreds of hours trying to solve that mystery, right? Wrong. They didn’t. Sergeant Belcher of the Pike County Sheriff’s Department said this to UsWeekly:

“I don’t know if it was Hilary Duff in the commercial or not. Everybody keeps asking me that and I have no idea. I don’t even know what commercial it was. He doesn’t either, I don’t think.”

And that dude calls himself a sergeant. He should turn in his badge. Shameful. But whatever, I’m sure we’ll find out the truth when Netflix does a 10-part docu-series about whether or not it was Hilary Duff in that commercial.

Meanwhile, as all that was going on, Hilary Duff continued to live her life by doing her usual hourly task of walking in front of the paps:

Pics: Wenn.com