Shia LaDouche’s Peen Will Not Make An Appearance In Nymphomaniac

When Shia LaDouche signed up for Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomanic, he said that the scenes were going to be so graphic that you’d be able to see the fleas from his ass hairs jump up and down as he had missionary-style sex with his co-star. Shia insinuated that he was making fancy art house porn, but then Lars Von Trier later said that he was planning to use body doubles and special effects to make it look like the actors (including Shia, Charlotte Gainsburg, Uma Thurman, Willem Dafoe, Jamie Bell, Stellan Skarsgård, Connie Nielsen and Christian Slater) had actual sex with each other.

Well, The Hollywood Reporter says that Lars is CGI’ing the dicks and chochas of body doubles onto the actors. Lars shot the actors having fake movie sex and also shot the body doubles having real sex. He’s going to cut and paste the bottom part of the body doubles onto the bottom part of the actors. The movie’s producer explained it like this:

“We shot the actors pretending to have sex and then had the body doubles, who really did have sex, and in post we will digital-impose the two. So above the waist it will be the star and the below the waist it will be the doubles.”

Nymphomaniac was supposed to make its debut at Cannes, but because of all the work it takes to copy and paste a body double’s dick onto Shia’s crotch, they didn’t make the deadline. It will premiere on Christmas Day (Merry Christmas!) in Copenhagen.

I totally understand why Lars didn’t let Shia have actual sex. If he did, the entire movie would’ve been shut down by the health department. Since Lars is a slave to the details, I’m sure he hired exact body doubles of the actors. So I’m guessing that Shia’s body double is a mouse. I mean, we’ve all seen it in that Sigur Rós video.

Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Go To Jail Today

If you’re throwing hate at Lindsay Lohan’s bloated balloon face, then as a friend I need to tell you that you’re obviously just jealous, because you wish you were getting derpy on red Sharpie fumes this morning.

LiLo showed up to court this morning and faced her longtime court room rival Judge Stephanie. Not much happened today, though. LiLo pretended to be sick by checking her face for a temperature every now and again and Judge Stephanie gave me an all-natural organic high when she sarcastically said, “I’m glad to see you’re feeling better.” The hearing was mostly a meeting for LiLo to confirm that she’s a certified dim dumb ho for firing Shawn Holley and hiring Mark Heller. But you know, I’m glad that LiLo has Mark Heller for a lawyer now. Two messes belong together.

I am so happy that Willow Ufgood retired from his job as a baby-saving sorcerer, moved to New York,  got a haircut, changed his name to Mark Heller and received his law degree online from the University of Phoenix, because he is gold. For such a little man, he brings a whole lot of fuckery. Mark practically crawled up Judge Stephanie’s culo by telling her what an honor it is to stand before her, because she used to be a New York detective and he really respects her. Judge Stephanie wasn’t licking the sugar that Mark was spewing out and when he told her that LiLo’s upper respiratory infection was the flu, she shot back with something like, “No, an upper respiratory infection is not the flu.” I love Judge Stephanie and I love Counselor Willow.

You can tell that Counselor Willow was ready for some serious business when he came to court today. Just look at his fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase and that rabbit foot good luck charm. He was ready to play.

And Judge Stephanie set LiLo’s next hearing for early March. Judge Stephanie is retiring next month so she won’t face LiLo and Counselor Willow again. Let’s all join hands and use the power of prayer to get the court to assign Judge Judy to the case.

A Judge Judy vs. Counselor Willow and LiLo showdown is just what 2013 needs.

Next Stop: Pink Wig

Just when you thought Britney Spears had gotten her shit together (said no one, ever), Kevin Federline‘s brother Christopher drops this little bombshell on her recent behavior. According to him, she not only stole his credit card, but she’s a blackmailing SUCIA brother in law fucker to boot! Ah, the days of the pink wig and umbrella are not totally behind us. Nostalgia.

In this article from Radar Online, Christopher gives the juicy details to the Enquirer on why he had to file a restraining order against her ass on December 18th.

In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”

Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft — which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges — “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

So, let me get this straight. Gross, Britney has no taste in credit cards, hops on every available thing (pulse optional), and the best part: KFed’s bro has a $4500 limit (you know she maxed that shit out) AND a small one. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for him or point and laugh at his ass. Okay, I do know and so do you. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Capital One…what’s NOT in your wallet anymore?

EDIT: My dumb ass forgot to say that Christopher claims to be Sean Preston‘s father!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN *Home Alone face* This shit just keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE: Aw man, this lawsuit is bogus. I guess we will all have to put our Crazy Britney shrines back into storage.

Just…A…Little…Further

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were – perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That’s it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can’t help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can’t believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he’s a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

I Don’t Know Who Olly Murs Is, But He Wants You To Know That He’s Got A Five Incher

If you asked me a couple of days ago who I thought Olly Murs was, I’d guess and say that Olly Murs is the accidental love child Hoops & Yoyo made during a night of awkward drunken cat and rabbit gay sex. (They don’t like to talk about it.) But I would’ve been wrong (I think), because Olly Murs is a British pop singer type who was the runner-up on the sixth season of The X-Factor UK, and now he’s known to me as the dude with five fully functional inches of love.

Olly Murs is apparently known for his bulge (see: pictures below of Olly Murs shooting a video in Venice, CA on September 21st. That’s not an overfull diaper in Olly’s skinny pants. That’s his five inch carrot and two avocado seeds.) and so Heat World (via ONTD) asked him about it during an interview. Heat World not only asked him about his bulge, but they also reached new levels of TOO MUCH INFORMATION by asking him to get specific and shit. And Olly did get specific:

“Maybe 13 [cm]? That’s what I’d go with – it’s definitely not 20cm. It would be quite big. I think 13cm.

It [his bulge] doesn’t bother me. I have never, honest to God, tried to emphasise it. It has always been other people. I have never thought of myself as someone who has a big bulge. But this is probably the first time I will be arrogant by saying I have never had a complaint…it’s not about the size; it’s what you can do with it that counts. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality. And I am all about quality.”

I love how Olly says “I think.” Ho, please. You know he measures it daily. Olly slaps his peen against a ruler and tries to stretch it as far as it will go the same way Tommy Girl stands on his tippity, tippity tip toes when John Travolta’s measuring him on a growth chart in the Scientology playroom. “I grew 0.00003 centimeters!” is a line both Tommy Girl and Olly’s peen have screamed out recently.

And I bet that when you put all of Olly’s 13 centimeters in your mouth, you can articulately say the name “Olly Murs.” That’s a selling point for 5 inch dicks! Think about that the next time you’re about to roll your eyes when a trick on Craigslist tells you that he’s only got 5 inches.

Would You Hit It?

As his ice block of a wife shot scenes as Grace Kelly with Milo Ventimiglia for Grace of Monaco, Keith Urban wrapped his huevos in Spandex to go swimming in the pool of his hotel. It’s nice knowing that when the hot pavement burns the bottom of Keith’s feet, he makes the same pained look he makes when he breaks his boner after making the mistake of gently slapping his peen against Nicole’s concrete forehead.

Personally, I prefer vintage Keith Urban when he looked like a Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann as hipster Colonel Sanders, but I’d still hit Keith Urban of today. The meatball with tentacles tattoo really did it for me.

And it was really smart of Nicole Kidman to make the hotel put statues of her all around the pool area, so Keith never forgets her while she’s working. The resemblance is uncanny and I’m sure Keith also made the mistake of gently slapping his peen against that statue’s forehead.