Category: SCHEMES!!!!

Elizabeth Holmes’ Family Wants You To Know That Her Deep Voice Is Real

March 21, 2019 / Posted by:

If you just bought a wig made out of splintered straw, a thick black runny marker for your eyes, toothpicks to keep your eyelids open, and a black turtleneck, then I’m going to assume two things. 1. You watched HBO’s The Inventor. And 2. You’re getting a really early jumpstart on Halloween by putting your Elizabeth Holmes costume together.

Elizabeth Holmes is that fallen fauxllionaire who scammed people into thinking she invented Post-Its. Oh wait, no, that’s another deep-voiced lying business woman (no offense to Romy White). Elizabeth Holmes is the Stanford dropout who got some of the country’s richest and most powerful pepaws to invest millions into some $35-printer-from-Staples looking ass machine that was supposed to run up to 200 tests with just one drop of blood. I bet if you put a drop of Elizabeth’s blood in there, it’ll tell you that it’s 100% snake oil. Actually, no it wouldn’t, because that would mean the machine worked, and we all know it didn’t.

STAINS’ shifty human cousin and her company, Theranos, lied about a lot of shit like being able to run 200 tests from one drop of blood, her Husky being a wolf, and some say she faked her Romy voice too. But Elizabeth’s family has used TMZ to defend her against the fake voice truthers, because the sound of her voice is what really matters here. And oh yes, they also defend her against the whole “defrauding investors and putting people’s health at risk” thing.

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Jeff Bezos’ Dick Pics Cost The National Enquirer $200,000

March 19, 2019 / Posted by:

That’s a low ass sum since the gold nut nuggets that Jeff Bezos’ jizzes out are worth twice as much as that.

We already know that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving brother Michael Sanchez is probably the one who sold his sister’s cringeworthy sexts (although, aren’t all sexts cringeworthy?) with Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos to The National Enquirer. But now the Wall Street Journal says that Michael Sanchez did Lauren dirty (just call him Dirty Sanchez) for the price of $200,000. Sure, $200,000 is $200,000, but I’m wondering if Michael Sanchez ever strolled over to the billionaire turtle and said, “So, future-brother-in-law, the Enquirer offered me 200k for those pics of your dick, but my finger could find its way to the delete button if you just so happen to cough a diamond into my palm. I mean that literally, I just watched you cough diamonds into your cashmere handkerchief.”

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“Fuller House” Drops Lori Loughlin As Her Daughters Drop Out Of USC 

March 15, 2019 / Posted by:

I bet that Lori Loughlin wishes her daughters, Olivia Jade and Isabella Giannulli, were actual rowers, because she and her husband Mossimo are currently up shit creek without a paddle and their asses could use some help.

Because Aunt Becky and Mossimo were indicted on federal charges for allegedly using $500,000 of their money to scam their daughters’ way into USC, Hallmark has sent her the opposite of a greeting card (a pink slip) by dumping her and are reportedly finding ways to scrub her from their highest-rated show When Calls The Heart. On top of that, TMZ is hearing that Netflix will not bring Aunt Becky back for the fifth and final season of  Fuller House. But while Aunty Becky is crying tears in whatever opulent mansion she’s currently living in over her reputation as America’s wholesome auntie getting tarnished by her alleged scheming antics, her daughter Olivia Jade might be doing cartwheels of joy on a beach in the Bahamas.

Because TMZ reports that Olivia and her sister Isabella aren’t going back to USC. YouTuber and “influencer” Olivia Jade loves attention, but she doesn’t want attention from students who will boo, hiss, and throw tomatoes at her over her parents buying her way into USC. Although, Olivia could turn tomatoes into tomatoe-ade by doing a YouTube makeup tutorial where she shows viewers how to use the tomatoes thrown by your h8rz to make the perfect lip gloss. Think about it, Olivia!

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Pimp Mama Kris Is No Longer The Chairwoman Of The Illustrious “Kardashian U”

August 17, 2016 / Posted by:

If you were saving your coins, hoping that one day you’d be able to afford a Kardashian U Master Class taught by Professor Pimp Mama Kris on “How To Kontact The Devil So You Can Sell Your Soul And The Soul Of Your Children In Exchange For A Multi-Million Dollar Whore Empire,” you’ve been saving your money for nothing. Because PMK is no longer the chairpimp of the “university” she helped re-launch a few months ago. The good news is that Michael Lohan is probably still teaching classes on “How To Whore Out Your Children So You Never Have To Get A Real Job” in the back room of a strip club in Pompano Beach, so you can still take that.

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Ruth Madoff Is All Of Us

February 3, 2016 / Posted by:

To push that Madoff miniseries on ABC, Page Six has a story about how after Bernie Madoff pleaded guilty to being the villain mastermind behind a $65 billion Ponzi scheme, his wife Ruth Madoff drowned her sorrows and said goodbye to their rich bitch life by opening her mouth hole and shoving in as much of the sweet nectar, the good shit and Funyuns as possible.

“Ruth had a network in place to deliver pot up to the apartment. If she didn’t have anything to smoke it in, she would order someone out to a bodega for rolling papers because she felt unsafe leaving the apartment herself. After Ruth smoked up on their rooftop patio, she’d walk around munching on bags of Funyuns or other types of chips, Both Ruth and Bernie were drinking thousands and thousands of dollars worth of wine from their cellar almost every night. I think they figured it was better to drink it than let the government take it away.”

You know, if you took away the grifting husband and the penthouse of pure stolen class and replaced the fancy wine with whatever’s on sale at Smart & Final, that would be most of us. Because aren’t we all toking, wine-ing and Funyun-ing to deal with Bernie and by Bernie I mean life?

All Of The Jewels And Designer Bags Stolen From This Texas Blossom’s Ridiculous Closet Are Fake

August 18, 2014 / Posted by:

It turns out that the $1 million worth of Birkin bags and jewels that a thief stole from a Texas millionaire’s 3,000 square foot, three-story closet are worth about $10 and a $50 off coupon to a back alley plastic surgeon who specializes in implanting Sour Patch worms into lips. After a thief broke into Theresa Roemer’s trove of treasures while she and her husband were having dinner at their country club, she cried out Botox tears while telling reporters that the thief stole jewels and precious family heirlooms including a lock of hair from her son who died in a car accident. Well, the thief who stole that stuff is crying too, because they wasted their time by breaking into Theresa’s Houston mansion. A person claiming to be the thief called up The Houston Press and said that the jewels and bags they stole from Theresa’s closet are as fake and fraudulent as her lips, face and hair.

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