All Of The Jewels And Designer Bags Stolen From This Texas Blossom’s Ridiculous Closet Are Fake

It turns out that the $1 million worth of Birkin bags and jewels that a thief stole from a Texas millionaire’s 3,000 square foot, three-story closet are worth about $10 and a $50 off coupon to a back alley plastic surgeon who specializes in implanting Sour Patch worms into lips. After a thief broke into Theresa Roemer’s trove of treasures while she and her husband were having dinner at their country club, she cried out Botox tears while telling reporters that the thief stole jewels and precious family heirlooms including a lock of hair from her son who died in a car accident. Well, the thief who stole that stuff is crying too, because they wasted their time by breaking into Theresa’s Houston mansion. A person claiming to be the thief called up The Houston Press and said that the jewels and bags they stole from Theresa’s closet are as fake and fraudulent as her lips, face and hair.

On August 12th, the supposed thief called Craig Masilow of The Houston Press using a burner phone and a voice changer. The thief told Craig that every single thing they stole, from an emerald bracelet to a Rolex watch, was a fake. The thief contacted Theresa and threatened to EXPOSE her to the press if she didn’t pay them $500,000 in hush money. During the extortion attempt, Theresa contacted the police, so the deal fell through and the thief decided to call out her fake ass to the press.

“I contacted Theresa Roemer and explained to her that her items were fake. I requested over half a million dollars to return her items and not expose her to the news. During the meet, it seemed as if she contacted authorities. The deal never went through. I’m following through with my threat.”

The thief sent The Houston Press some of the stuff they stole including the silver locket with the lock of hair in it. The staff at The Houston Press said all of the shit the thief sent them was costume jewelry. The Houston Press handed that stuff over to the cops. Craig said that the thief acted like they were the one who was wronged.

The opulent flower made from the same wax parts as Jocelyn Wildenstein admitted to CultureMap that some of the stuff the thief took was costume jooree, but that doesn’t mean that everything in her closet is a QVC original:

“It’s like any person’s closet. You mix and match. In my closet, I have a Donna Karan dress next to one from the Gap. My stylist had some vintage jewelry there from back in the ’60s. Not everything is a million-dollar design.”

Jezebel points out that some of the Detective La Toyas of the Internet believe that this is an insurance scheme gone wrong. Some think that Theresa hired the thief to steal a bunch of goods from the closet she whored out all over television. Something went wrong with the deal (example: Theresa didn’t pay the thief) and so the thief is making sure she doesn’t get that insurance money by telling the press that the stuff they stole isn’t worth shit.

But what about her son’s hair? Are we going to find out that forensic scientists tested it and discovered that the hair used to belong to a Barbie or came from one of Theresa’s old weaves, which is Barbie hair, so same thing.

I just love a story involving SCHEMES and this one keeps getting better (read: messier) and better (read: messier). Lifetime better be working on turning this into a movie and they better fast track it. I’m going to call Lifetime’s offices and if someone picks up, I’m going to scream, “Why are you picking up? All of your lines should be busy, because all of you should be talking to Lady Penelope from the Thunderbirds and trying to convince her to play Theresa Roemer. It was the role she was crafted out of a block of wood to play!”

Here’s Today’s report on the latest twist in the closet caper and let’s slow clap for the intern who came up with: “The Lyin’, The Rich & The Wardrobe.”

Pic: TheresaRoemer.com