A Burglar Snatched $1 Million In Birkins And Jewels From This Texas Blossom’s 3,000 Square Foot Closet

August 4, 2014 / Posted by:

On Friday night, former Mrs. Texas United America and current humble rose of Houston, Theresa Roehmer, and her husband went to dinner at their country club and while they were filling their bodies with canary diamond lasagna and salads made of $100 bills and gold drizzle, a thieving theif broke into their mansion in the fancy Houston suburbs of The Woodlands and stole $1 million in luxury shit from her famous three-story, 3,000 square foot closet. The thief filled three of her Birkin bags (around $60,000 each) with priceless heirlooms and jewels. Before the burglary, Theresa Roehmer had 60 Birkin bags and now she only has 57. We should all take the rest of the day off and spend it standing near a freeway off-ramp while collecting coins in a Styrofoam cup, because this classy Botoxed daisy petal is down three Birkins and needs our help in rebuilding her life!

Theresa tells KHOU that the thief knew exactly what he was doing. He used a glass cutter and a patio umbrella to break through a window in a downstairs bathroom. He went directly to the closet Theresa calls her “female man-cave” (“Aww, that’s my nickname for Zac Efron’s asshole” – Michelle Rodriguez) and stuffed three of her Birkins with Rolex watches, diamonds and family heirlooms she can’t replace. Their alarm system wasn’t turned on and Theresa didn’t lock up her closet. Only one of their many security cameras caught the thief, but they didn’t get a shot of his face since it was covered with a mask. The former fitness center mogul (she owned a few gyms in Wyoming) and her husband, who comes from oil money, moved to The Woodlands after their last mansion got broken into. Apparently, the police don’t believe it’s an inside job.

“They say it doesn’t look like an inside job at all. They said it was very professional, like too professional. The police said it could have been somebody that, like I said, saw all the publicity, Google Earthed it, figured it all out, flew in here, who knows?

He took heirloom items that were passed to me from my husband’s mother that has passed away. I mean I don’t care about all this crap. I really don’t care about this crap. I care about the stuff that was passed to me. No one deserves this. I don’t care if you’re wealthy. I don’t care if you’re poor. Your personal belongings are your personal belongings.”

Uneducated whores have called Theresa’s closet “the biggest closet in the world” and those dumbasses obviously don’t know about the luxurious closet that John Travolta┬áhas lived in for years. Theresa regularly whores out the closet that’s bigger than most people’s house. Theresa gave Good Morning America a tour of it recently, it’s been in Elle Magazine and she hosts charity events in there.

Here’s Theresa’s face almost melting as she shows the news the empty shelves where her Birkins and jewelry used to be. Theresa Roehmer was obviously plucked from the same humble silicone rose bush that the Queen of Versailles was plucked from.

She is filled with so much grief that she can barely move her natural face and natural lips!

So, Theresa has been robbed before, she’s bragged about her opulent closet all over TV and yet she didn’t turn on her security system and/or lock up her treasure trove of luxuries before leaving her house at night? Do I need Detective La Toya to tell me this is an insurance fraud situation or should I just know that already since it’s obvious? NO! This is obviously not an insurance fraud situation. Theresa Roehmer’s spit balls are worth more than $1 million! Some cold-hearted, dead-souled criminal preyed on a beauty’s trust in her community and heartlessly stole 1/900000000th of her net worth. This is an American tragedy. If a tacky millionaire’s unsecured, ridiculous closet of overpriced luxuries isn’t safe, is ANYTHING safe?

And I’m with Theresa friends on Twitter, I am sincerely sorry for her loss.

How will she ever go on now that she only owns 57 Birkin bags?!

Pics: Neiman Marcus Blog

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