March, 12, 2019: The day that the definition of random was redefined with a story about a college admissions ESCANDALO involving Lynette Scavo (real name: Felicity Huffman) and Aunt Becky (real name: Lori Loughlin). This Desperate Housewives/Full House crossover where Lynette Scavo and Aunt Becky share a jail cell after getting taken away from their homes in handcuffs for allegedly paying bribes to get their children into college IS the weirdest reboot ever.
NBC News says that Felicity and Lori are among 40 who were indicted in a college entrance exam cheating scheme. They were both charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud and honest services fraud. Cut to Aunt Becky’s TV husband Uncle Jesse letting out a “HAVE MERCY!” over having to bail her alleged cheating ass out.
ABC News says that the feds discovered Felicity, Lori, and dozens of other parents (including CEOs) paid bribes when they discovered that a man in California was running a fake charity to help students get into the college of their choice including Yale, Stanford, USC, and Georgetown. The alleged scam involved the parents paying the dude, knowing full well he was going to grease the palms of either an SAT or ACT administrator, or a college athletic coach to get the kid in using fraud. The coaches would arrange a fake profile listing the prospective student as an athlete. The exam administrators would either get an exam officer to take the test for the student or they’d correct the student’s answers. Coaches and exam administrators were also arrested. Since it was ran as a charity, parents wrote it off on their taxes. A total of 50 people were indicted.
The court documents out of Boston claim that the bribes ranged from a few thousand dollars to $6 million. Felicity and “her husband” are accused of paying $15,000 to get one of their daughters into the college of their choice.
They allege that Huffman and her husband “made a purported charitable contribution of $15,000…to participate in the college entrance exam cheating scheme on behalf of her eldest daughter. Huffman later made arrangements to pursue the scheme a second time, for her younger daughter, before deciding not to do so.”
This is a time that William H. Macy is probably happy to be called “Felicity Huffman’s husband” in an article and not named. He was not indicted.
The Feds apparently have phone call recordings between Felicity and a cooperating witness.
Aunt Becky and “her husband” are accused of paying half a million dollars to get their daughters into USC.
The documents say that Loughlin and her husband “agreed to pay bribes totaling $500,000 in exchange for having their two daughters designated as recruits to the USC crew team — despite the fact that they did not participate in crew — thereby facilitating their admission to USC.”
Aunt Becky’s husband Mossimo (yes, the Mossimo of that fancy surf line turned line at Target) was also indicted. So Aunt Becky and Massimo needed to pay $500,000 to get their kids into USC. I know I’m the master of typos, but I didn’t spell “Yale” as “USC.” You would think that if she wanted to get her kids into USC, she’d glide up to them like, “Hello, I am Aunt Becky from Full House. I want my daughters to go to this school.” Being Aunt Becky doesn’t have the Hollywood clout it used to, I guess.
ABC News says that in many cases the students didn’t know about the bribe. But Mossimo reportedly sent in pictures of his daughters on rowing machines. And Felicity and William’s daughter was given twice the amount of time to take the SATs and a paid officer corrected her answers on the down low afterward.
TMZ says that Felicity is in custody and will be released on “signature bond,” which is a promise to show up in court.
We all need to really stop hating, though, because Aunt Becky and Mossimo’s daughter Olivia Jade, who is a YouTuber and “influencer,” has proven that she’s not a spoiled privileged brat and truly cares about her education. via Yahoo!
“I don’t know how much of school I’m gonna attend,” she shared with her nearly 2 million subscribers, after explaining her extensive work schedule. “But I’m gonna go in and talk to my deans and everyone, and hope that I can try and balance it all. But I do want the experience of like game days, partying…I don’t really care about school, as you guys all know.”
She later apologized, and also continued to show that she’s totally focusing on the important things. Hey, at least she’s making a return on her parent’s “donation.”
Oh, Lynette Scavo, Frank Gallagher, Aunt Becky, and Mossimo… I’m so disappointed in all of you! Why couldn’t you have bought a library like other rich privileged assholes do? Because then at least the world (and USC) would have The Aunt Becky Library.