One Of The One Direction Twinks Broke Up With His Girlfriend

Do they make chewable, fruit-flavored Valium? Because the Directioners are going to need some after the traumatizing and melodramatic week they’ve had.

Last week, every Directioner’s toddler life was turned upside down when Zayn Malik, the Sad Spice of the group who always looks like someone just sharted in his last jar of pomade while choking his puppy, left One Direction’s world tour due to “stress” after pictures of him holding hands with a trick who wasn’t his girlfriend came out. Preschool and kindergarten playgrounds were empty and quiet, because what kid wants to play and laugh when their religion is falling apart? Well, now, every preschooler is going to call in a mental health day tomorrow, because their life has been turned upside down again.

Louis Tomlinson (Who I guess is the Joey McIntyre of 1d, but then again, aren’t they all the Joey McIntyre of 1D?) and his piece of 4 years Eleanor Calder are done. Louis is approximately 4 years old, so they started dating while they were both newborns. Louis’ spokeswhore tells People that they ended it 2 weeks ago. Louis’ rep confirmed the break up today, because The Sun published a picture of him “snogging” (read: touching tongues) with some other trick at a pool party in Thailand a little over a week ago. A source tell People that Louis and Eleanor dumped their relationship in a shallow grave because they were always in different places:

“Louis is really upset about it all. They tried really hard to make it work but it was just impossible, he’s away for nine months a year and they just grew apart.”

First, Zayn and now THIS? You would think that 20-something millionaire pop stars who are drowning in offers of ass would stay true to their pieces forever and ever? What is happening in the world?

And I guess now that Louis’ contract with that Eleanor chick has expired, LARRY is free to live!

I don’t know if Louis’ makeup artiste went heavy with the rouge or if that’s just a skid mark of pure joy that appears on his cheeks when he touches the other half of Larry?

Pic: Wenn.com, GIF: Tumblr

The Look Or Not The Look: Ansel Elgort At The AMAs

Here’s Ansel Elgort, the dude from Fault of Stars whose name sounds like a Captcha you’d have to enter to get into the World of Warcraft forums, at the AMAs looking like a straight high school boy who was given an ambush makeover by Antoine Meriweather and Blaine Edwards. He looks like a Rockabilly bullfighter. It’s as if someone pushed him into a mom’s closet and told him to use the clothes in there to dress like a member of One Direction. That shorty blazer does remind me…

When I was 18 and 19, my friends and I would go to the same 18 and over gay night at a club every single week. We got friendly with some of the regulars and one of the regulars was this tall drink of YES who pulverized hos with his style by always wearing b-hole-hugging tight jeans and either a shorty blazer or a shorty vest with no shirt on underneath. We called him “Oh Girl,” because every time he walked in wearing a shorty blazer with no shirt on, we’d say to ourselves, “Oh, girl.” Take that white shirt away and Oh Girl would’ve worked the seams out of that outfit.

Ansel looks a mess, but I can’t blame him for smiling. It’s probably slightly satisfying knowing you can still fit into the Sears tuxedo blazer you wore to a wedding when you were 12.

Here’s more of Ansel and his moldy pants as well as One Erection dressed like hipster power lesbians at a funeral.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Now For An ‘Excuse My Beauty’ Moment From Miss Diana Ross

When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.

Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.

In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.

Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

One Direction’s Zayn Malik Is Pissed At Matt Lauer For Implying That He’s Got A Drug Problem On Live TV

On Monday morning, professional smug DILF (I know, I can’t with me either) Matt Lauer sat down with the twinks of One Direction to discuss the release of their upcoming album Four on the TODAY show, and maybe they were sticking with a theme, because only four of them showed up. Zayn Malik (aka the hot one)(aka I’m ashamed I wrote that) was a no-show for their appearance and performance at Universal Studios Orlando, so naturally Matt Lauer asked where the hell he was. Liam Payne answered by explaining that Zayn had a “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip. That’s when that nosy bitch Matt started interrogating them about just how [obnoxiously sarcastic air-quotes] “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the bad shit shakes:

“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”

Once again, Liam stressed to Matt that Zayn is at home sick and there’s nothing shady going on and he’s definitely not smoking weed in the back of a van somewhere , while the rest of One Direction sat there awkwardly and looking like they’d rather be sitting through a 3-hour beard contract negotiation meeting with Taylor Swift. Well, I guess Zayn had access to a TV wherever he was recovering (Promises Manchester. NO!), because he heard Matt talking shit about him and ran off to The Sun to tell them how pissed off he is that the TODAY show would come for him like that.

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Two Of The One Direction Twinks Got Caught Smoking The Good Shit

Good news for those of you who woke up this morning and thought “You know, I’d really like to see a video of two famous 20-year-olds getting high in a van today”. A video has emerged of One Direction’s Zayn Malik (aka the “hot bad boy” one) and Louis Tomlinson (the internet tells me he’s the “funny one”, so I guess that makes him the Joey Fatone?) smoking weed while traveling in a van to a One Direction show in Peru on April 27th. The Daily Mail, who has the journalistic integrity of the Channel 4 News Team, describes the video as “shocking” and “exposes the dark side of the squeaky clean boy band”. However, I would describe the video as “boring” and “is literally two guys smoking weed in a van”. Oh, and also some guy talking about chicken:

“But we got a full chicken” is the new Hakuna Matata. But back to those two living My Scene dolls smoking the stickiest of icky. Seeing two dudes in their early 20s smoking weed to relax before a concert is nothing to be all Helen Lovejoy concerned about, except maybe for the fact that they keep calling it “Mary Jane” and “Mary J. Blige”, which made me cringe hard enough to fall off my chair and cringe a dent into the floor. But some One Direction fans are LOSING THEIR SHIT because DRUGS ARE BAD and OMG JUST SAY NO!

I love One Direction but this zouis smoking thing is sad. Why would they do that. It's all messed up.

— Sophieluvsyoubo (@1_dimages) May 27, 2014

I love One Direction with all my heart but come on guys weed smoking on film? I get upset when any person does a type of drug. (C)

— Age°o° (@NovaStarSC) May 28, 2014

I know you’re probably sitting there screaming “CHILL OUT, WEED ISN’T A TYPE OF DRUG!” as you lick the rim of crushed vicodin off a Theraflu and vodka, but we need to remember these are 8 and 9 year olds who still think “trying weed” leads to snorting coke out of Satan’s asshole. To put it into perspective, seeing two boy banders take a hit off a joint is as insanely devastating as if you and I watched a video of Maru the Cat inject black tar heroin directly into his paws with a dirty needle and fuck a diseased cardboard box while spouting hateful shit about Shiba Inus.

Boy George Served Up The Rough Trade Look At The BRIT Awards

At the BRIT Awards at the O2 in London tonight, Boy George showed up with a busted face and I was going to say that he looks like he peeped at Chris Brown’s phone, but then I remembered that The Difficult Brown doesn’t punch guys. I figured that before the BRITs, Boy George’s daytime date with his Eastern European piece went a little too far and one thing led to another, which led to him getting repeatedly slapped in the face with a 12″ burrito-thick dildo and he decided to make a look out of it. It happens. Or maybe Boy George decided to get all political by making a statement about gays getting beat in Russia. But no, Boy George apparently told British Vogue that he took red lipstick to his eye to look like the “fashion victim” he is. The literary emporium of class and decorum The Daily Mail called Boy George’s busted-up make-up job “tasteless,” and that’s like the time I met my friend at a bar after a hook-up and he called me a nasty, low-class slut before finishing his Grindr chat with a dude whose username was FeedMe69.

And here’s a few more tricks and hos from the BRITs tonight. I wish I could offer you up A-list British royalty like Harvey Price, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty and Pete Burns, but unfortunately I can’t. I can only give you Jessie J looking like a bootleg She-Ra character and Lily Allen looking like Goth Rainbow Brite.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash