One Direction’s Zayn Malik Is Pissed At Matt Lauer For Implying That He’s Got A Drug Problem On Live TV

On Monday morning, professional smug DILF (I know, I can’t with me either) Matt Lauer sat down with the twinks of One Direction to discuss the release of their upcoming album Four on the TODAY show, and maybe they were sticking with a theme, because only four of them showed up. Zayn Malik (aka the hot one)(aka I’m ashamed I wrote that) was a no-show for their appearance and performance at Universal Studios Orlando, so naturally Matt Lauer asked where the hell he was. Liam Payne answered by explaining that Zayn had a “tummy bug” and couldn’t make the trip. That’s when that nosy bitch Matt started interrogating them about just how [obnoxiously sarcastic air-quotes] “sick” Zayn actually is, and implying that he’s actually at home with a case of the bad shit shakes:

“There’s obviously a lot of concern, a lot of fans have been tweeting overnight. There’s been a lot of action on social media about him. Is it something more serious than just a minor illness? There have been rumors of substance abuse. What’s going on?”

Once again, Liam stressed to Matt that Zayn is at home sick and there’s nothing shady going on and he’s definitely not smoking weed in the back of a van somewhere , while the rest of One Direction sat there awkwardly and looking like they’d rather be sitting through a 3-hour beard contract negotiation meeting with Taylor Swift. Well, I guess Zayn had access to a TV wherever he was recovering (Promises Manchester. NO!), because he heard Matt talking shit about him and ran off to The Sun to tell them how pissed off he is that the TODAY show would come for him like that.

“I’m really angry and upset by what was said on the Today show. I was really ill at the weekend, that’s why I couldn’t fly to America. I was gutted to have to miss album release day, but I’m going to be back as soon as I can. As soon as I’m feeling better I’m going to join the guys and carry on with the promotion for the album.”

Hmm…who to believe. On the one hand, it’s not a secret that Zayn loves weed, and if Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue has taught me anything, it’s that weed always leads to harder shit like crack and heroin. So maybe that “tummy bug” is actually a dragon he’s been chasing. Then again, Matt Lauer is like that gossipy bitch in high school who used to start pregnancy rumors every time someone went home sick, so who even knows.

Either way, if Matt Lauer had the audacity to ask if Zayn is a drug addict, I’m shocked he didn’t also ask Harry Styles about fucking dudes. “Harry, you recently said ‘Don’t knock it till you try it’. If ‘it’ was a butthole filled with drugs, would Zayn knock it or try it?“