Zayn Malik And Louis Tomlinson Got Into A Little Twitter Fight

If you read that headline as “Zayn Malik And Lily Tomlin Got Into A Little Twitter Fight,” keep that image in your head and don’t even bother with this post.

One Direction acted like everything was raspberry-scented puppy farts and delicate rainbow queefs when the prettiest one Zayn Malik broke the souls of a million tweens when he quit the group because he wants to be a regular 22-year-old with million of dollars and worldwide fame. Well, all is not pretty in the twink kingdom, because Louis Tomlinson (that’s the one on the right for those of you under the age of 15) and Zayn got bitchy with each other on Twitter today. Zayn, girl, you can’t sit with them anymore, so you better take your plastic tray to a different table.

A minute after Zayn left 1D, a producer he works with named Naughty Boy (I still can’t with that unoriginal Grindr username) released a song that everyone thought was Zayn’s first solo track. It turned out to be some old demo. Louis slapped at Naughty Boy and Naughty Boy slapped back. Today, they went for round two. Naughty Boy tweeted a picture of him with Zayn and wrote, “Replace this.” FIGHTIN’ WORDS! Louis took off his earrings, Vaseline’d up his mug and sent out this “subtweet” about Naughty Boy’s picture and dig:

Naughty Boy spit back by calling Louis a shit singer and Louis spit right back at him by calling him a nobody producer and hanger-on. I guess Zayn could no longer stay out of it, because he pulled some “check your lipstick before you come and talk to me” shit by tweeting this:

You know shit is getting serious when they start tweeting each other lines that sound like quotes taken directly from an episode of The Most Popular Girls In School.

It’s a good thing that they’re only fighting on Twitter and not fighting in real life, because that would be a mess. They’d give their glam squad heart attacks. If Zayn tried to slap Louis, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the face!” If Zayn tried to pull Louis’ hair, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the hair!” If Louis tried to kick Zayn in the crotch, a glam squad member would scream, “Not the Topman skinny jeans!” I would say that they’d eventually settle it with a round of thumb wrestling, but that would never happen either, because a glam squad member would scream, “Not the manicure!”

And here’s that troublemaking Louis leaving a club in Hollywood this morning.

Pics: Splash

Zayn Malik Has Already Released His First Solo Song

Only a few days ago, pompadours were lowered to half-staff when sad-eyed woeful twink angel Zayn Malik quit the group of crooning come-to-life Precious Moments figurines known as One Direction. Zayn apparently checked out of 1D, because he was sick of fame, and I guess what he meant by that is he was sick of sharing fame with those four twinks and wanted that spotlight all to himself! Zayn IS ready for his solo close-up, Mr. DeMille.

A quick second after Zayn left 1D (Important side note: My little cousin pronounces 1D as “Wendy“) to be “a normal 22-year-old,” he was spotted at a recording studio with some producer named Naughty Boy (which sounds like Tommy Girl’s Grindr name). I figured that Zayn was just recording a haunting goodbye lullaby to his fans before retiring to a desolate farm in Greenland to make volume gel out of goat milk and his sad tears. But nope, Zayn was working on a solo song. ESCANDALO (not at all)!

Last night, Louis Tomlinson of 1D (the Hugga Bunch doll with luscious merengue hair on the left) slapped at Naughty Boy on Twatter by tweeting: “Wow @NaughtyBoyMusic you’re so inconsiderate pal , seriously how fucking old are you ? Grow up ! #masterofallwisdom.” Naughty Boy slapped back a few times and it became the hardest and baddest music fight since the East Coast vs. West Coast battle. Naughty Boy eventually burped up a demo of the song he worked on with Zayn called “I Won’t Mind.”

Okay, so I get that Zayn was lying when he said that he just wants to be a normal person and what he really wants is to be the Justin Timberlake of One Direction. I get it. But this is his big “coming out as a single bitch” song?! It sounds like a song you’d hearing during a montage at the end of an episode of a show on The CW. I think I said “Bitch, say what?” at least four times during that song, because I had no idea what he was singing. It sounds like he’s singing while he’s got a peen in his mouth after getting a root canal. It sounds like he just graduated from Iggy Azalea’s School of Enunciation.

He should’ve learned from Ginger Spice and showed up with a real masterpiece that lets hos know to look at him and ignore those other 4 he was in a group with.

“Swedish Model” Claims Zayn Malik Slept With Her, Too

Please note the quotes. I couldn’t even find this gal on Model Mayhem! And have you seen some of the “models” on there? More like mugshots. Martina Olsson, 17, claims she also allegedly assisted former One Direction member Zayn Malik in cheating on his fiancee. That’s her with Zayn on the right.

This bonus mess also allegedly began at the Seduction nightclub in Thailand. That’s the same club where he was photographed with his other sidepiece, Lauren Richardson. Well, the joint IS called Seduction. Maybe they should rename it Cheat. Or Broken Engagement.

Olssen claims she was picked out of the crowd by a security guy and taken to a VIP area to party with the band on the evening of March 16.

“He didn’t mention anything to me about having a fiancée. He was really flirtatious,” she told The Sun (via Daily Mail).

Later, while partying at One Direction’s villa, Olssen claims Zayn invited her to shower with him and things got wetter.

“Straight away when we were in the bathroom he started kissing me. He picked me up and said, “I want you now,” and carried me to the bed,” she said in a assuredly breathless tone as she stared hungrily at the check The Sun cut her.

Zayn is a young dude, and must have a young dude’s stamina. The next night, Olsen claims he got with the Richardson jump-off and then did her again later on. Hope errybody’s on PrEP.

I almost hesitate to use these girls’ real names because tweens are scary. Did you read about those Slenderman kids? Maniacal tweens don’t play. Martina and Lauren better watch their asses, and avoid Seduction and any other similarly named nightclub where boy band people troll for DTF groupies.

Zayn Malik Says He Quit One Direction Because It Wasn’t “Real” To Him Anymore

Speaking of real, someone needs to sit him down and have a real conversation about that tragic spider flex headband that begin with the words “Bitch, NO.”

In an attempt to temporarily distract the weeping 10-year-olds from flooding the Earth with their salty sad tears, Zayn Malik gave his first interview since quitting One Direction to The Sun (via Billboard) to explain why he threw all his styling cream in a cardboard box and left. According to Zayn, Zayn wanted to leave One Direction because he was tired of putting on a phony smile every time he stepped on stage and he just wanted to be a normal dude for once:

“I did try to do something that I wasn’t happy doing for a while, for the sake of maybe other’s people’s happiness. And that was mainly the fans. I only ever tried to do it for the fans. I’m only upset [because] I feel like I may have let them down in some sort of way. That’s the main thing that I don’t want to happen. It’s not that I’ve turned my back on them or anything. It’s just that I can’t do that anymore because it’s not real to me.”

Although a source is telling People that he actually quit because, like Harry Styles, he thinks he’s got a shot at a solo career:

“He told everyone in the band and management that he wants to live a normal life and the next thing you know he’s going into music studios and doing interviews with tabloids,” a source close to the band tells People. “Everyone feels a bit misled and thinks he was lying about wanting to live a normal life.”

I’m no Miss Cleo (I wish), but I do not predict this will turn out well. Someone needs to warn him that not every boy bander will have a solo career as illustrious as former boy bander JC Chasez. Yes I said JC Chasez. I’m sorry, but do you see Justin Timberlake landing top-shelf video talent like Tara Reid? I didn’t think so. Zayn, there’s no guarantee you’ll be anywhere near as successful; JC Chasez is the exception, not the rule!

But first, someone needs to warn him about the current state of his hair:

Zayn, just because you quit One Direction doesn’t mean you also have to quit whatever the opposite of this is.

Pics: Splash

Harry Styles Might Also Be Saying ‘Bye, Bitch’ To One Direction

It looks like Zayn Malik might not be the only one leaving the teenage girl scream-powered money machine known as One Direction. E! says that elfin hipster heartthrob and one-time Taylor Swift photo-op contract co-signer Harry Styles is thinking about following Zayn out the door. A source claims that Harry doesn’t want to be a boy bander anymore, so he’s thinking of quitting and moving to Hollywood to become an actor. Excuse me while I take a moment to clean up all the vegetable juice (truth: it was leftover breakfast wine) that sprayed out of my nose from laughing too hard.

Harry also wants to leave to he can launch a solo career. The same source says that he’s already started writing shit with Meghan Trainor, Kodaline (???), and Internet Superstar Frankie Grande’s little sister Ariana. The source adds that Harry has been trying to distance himself from the rest of One Direction for the past year because he “considers himself to be on a different path to the other boys.” Well, one thing is for sure – if he doesn’t invest his One Direction money properly, that path might lead to a reality show, and not one of the good ones where the chairs swing around.

So first Zayn leaves, now Harry is thinking about leaving? Can they even do One Direction as a trio? The answer of course is YES, and they should retool themselves to mimic my all-time favorite 3-piece boy band, b4-4 (anything to bring up b4-4, really).

We’re Now Living In A World Where That Zayn Dude Is Not In One Direction

Yup, that heart tattoo above his Ken Doll crotch is now a broken heart tattoo.

After leaving the One Direction tour due to the stress caused by all the rumors that he cheated on his girlfriend by passing his peen to another in Thailand, Zayn Malik (whose name I can type without checking Google and yes, that worries me) has decided to leave the cushy position of getting paid millions and millions of dollars to sing songs in front of billions of screaming, crazy girls who would be devoted to him even if he murdered a village of kittens. Zayn is just not about that life. Zayn, One Direction and Simon Cowell left these messages on Facebook.

After five incredible years Zayn Malik has decided to leave One Direction. Niall, Harry, Liam and Louis will continue as a four-piece and look forward to the forthcoming concerts of their world tour and recording their fifth album, due to be released later this year.

Zayn says: “My life with One Direction has been more than I could ever have imagined. But, after five years, I feel like it is now the right time for me to leave the band. I’d like to apologise to the fans if I’ve let anyone down, but I have to do what feels right in my heart. I am leaving because I want to be a normal 22-year-old who is able to relax and have some private time out of the spotlight. I know I have four friends for life in Louis, Liam, Harry and Niall. I know they will continue to be the best band in the world.”

One Direction say: “We’re really sad to see Zayn go, but we totally respect his decision and send him all our love for the future. The past five years have been beyond amazing, we’ve gone through so much together, so we will always be friends. The four of us will now continue. We’re looking forward to recording the new album and seeing all the fans on the next stage of the world tour.”

Simon Cowell says: “I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction. Since I first met Zayn in 2010, I have grown very, very fond – and immensely proud – of him. I have seen him grow in confidence and I am truly sorry to see him leave. As for One Direction, fans can rest assured that Niall, Liam, Harry and Louis are hugely excited about the future of the band.”

Zayn Malik IS the Ginger Spice of One Direction. I know you can’t read this since your eyeballs are currently swimming in a sea of sad tears made by you, but if you want a quick injection of happiness, re-read Simon Cowell’s statement and picture his juicy nipples saying it.

Well, it’s been a good run, Internet. We’ve had fun making fun of fame whores and bonded over videos of cats doing nothing, but it’s look like our time has come to an end. We can survive a lot of things, but there’s no way Twitter timelines and the Internet as a whole will survive being drowned by the trillions of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOs spilling out of the Directioners. The world will never be the same again. I’d pour out a tub of hair molding clay for Zayn, but that shit doesn’t pour out! Now I’ll leave you to make a “Where I Was When I Heard The News That Zayn Left 1D” video for you to watch in 2025 on the 10th anniversary of this tragic event.

Pic: Wenn.com