Pour Out 40 Ounces Of Lemon Juice, Renee Zellweger’s Signature Squint Is Gone Forever

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

A year ago, many of us filed an identity theft claim with the FBI, the police, Obama, Detective La Toya and Morris Chestnut when somebody claiming to be Squinty Zellweger showed up to an Armani event looking nothing like Squinty Zellweger. Some of us stared at the open-eyed stranger in front of us and screamed, “PAPERS PLEASE!” I thought then that Renee’s pulled and tucked face would settle a lot and she’d go back to looking like she’s staring directly into the sun after sucking on ten pounds of lemons. But it’s been a year and I guess I have to permanently bury “Squinty Zellweger” next to “Fishsticks Paltrow” in the nickname cemetery, because Squinty Zellweger really is no more.

At Elle’s 21st Annual Women In Hollywood Awards last night, the photographers screamed, “Ms. Grey! Ms. Parker! Ms. Flockhart! Ms. Watts! Ms. Wright! Oh, whoever you are, over here, over here,” when Renee Zellweger worked the red carpet with her Sideshow Howard Stern-looking ass man Doyle Bramhall. These pictures have been spread all over the Internet today and nobody can really agree on who she looks like, but they all agree that she doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. I’ve read that she looks like Jennifer Grey, a composite sketch of Robin Wright and Naomi Watts’ baby, a clay figurine of Juliette Lewis, etc… etc…

This Renee Zellweger doesn’t look bad, she just doesn’t look like Renee Zellweger. The 3-day-old danish I just ate looked more like Renee Zellweger and it wasn’t even lemon-filled. And that eyebrow situation. Hollywood’s former hardest-working beard deserves better than eyebrows that look like they’ve been through some shit.

We still shouldn’t cancel our identity theft claim, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Squinty Zellweger is tied up in a closet somewhere while this impostor is out here living her life. I bet Joey Lauren Adams is behind this. I never trusted that shifty bitch. Now that Renee Zellweger no longer looks like Renee Zellweger, the producers of Bridget Jones are probably going to ask Joey Lauren Adams to play Bridget in the next movie. Mission accomplished, JLA, mission accomplished.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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