Uh oh, the day Nickelodeon executives and account managers were dreading has finally arrived. JoJo Siwa has become self-aware! Nickelodeon’s Gak-scented boardroom table has probably been overturned in a fit of mass hysteria, as one of their most profitable sources of revenue just came to the realization that Nickelodeon might have been looking at her and seeing a glitter-covered dollar sign and not a glitter-covered human being.
The entire cast of who will shimmy for attention and a check on the new season of Dancing with the Stars was announced this morning. We already heard that YouTuber JoJo Siwa joined the cast and will be part of the U.S. version’s first same-sex pair. Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Sunisa “Suni” Lee was also named as a contestant, as well as world-renowned collegiate rower Olivia Jade. And today, we learned that also part of the cast is Sporty Spice herself, Melanie Chisholm, from the Spice Girls. Pack it up losers! It’s time to spice up your goddamn lives!
Dancing With The Stars will be back for season 7421 this fall. Okay, only the 30th but honestly, it feels like more. The show has been on for 16 years and this coming season will feature the first-ever same-sex pairing. Two members of the cast have already been announced. Gold medalist Olympic gymnast, Sunisa “Suni” Lee, and dancing ponytail JoJo Siwa will be a part of the cast. JoJo will dance with a female partner. Other countries’ versions of DWTS have featured same-sex couples, but this is the first time the U.S. version has. So ABC’s feedback line better be prepared to explode from all of the gay-hating tricks who are going to call in.
Last month, 17-year-old YouTuber JoJo Siwa came out. Last week, JoJo went on The Tonight Show and revealed she had “the most amazing, wonderful, perfect” long-distance girlfriend. Last day (errr, yesterday), JoJo unveiled her girlfriend’s mystery identity on Instagram. Her name is Kylie (no, not Jenner, but what a twist that would be!), and her Instagram bio describes her as a “human golden retriever” (perfect for JoJo), and the couple has been together for a month. Wait… WAIT. Just a month? 31 days?! And they’re already madly in love? Sigh. Ohhh, to be 17 again.
Now, to be fair, JoJo’s caption says that they were best friends for more than a year before that. She posted pics of them dressed as the Grinch and the Grinch’s dog Max at Disneyland, goofing around wearing masks, and singing Justin Bieber in the car. Yep. These two are the type who wear furry costumes and visit Disney during the pandemic. What, are you surprised?
It’s official, 17-year-old JoJo Siwa is out and proud! Last night your 6-year-old niece’s favorite YouTuber went on The Tonight Show for an interview with Jimmy Fallon. For once, Jimmy couldn’t get a word in edgewise as JoJo excitedly explained the extremely Gen-Z process of her coming out on TikTok, Twitter, and Instagram. She also revealed that she is in a long-distance relationship with “the most amazing, wonderful, perfect, most beautiful girlfriend in the whole world.” She says her unnamed girlfriend was “super encouraging” of JoJo’s decision to come out.
Most of us olds have been cruising along contentedly, firm in the belief that Ariana Grande is the owner of the world’s most glamorous and voice-of-her-generation ponytail, but we’ve all been led astray this whole time, swept up in the alluringly deceptive, two feet of swingy prostitot WTF that pours from her head like a Chia Pet that mainlined Miracle-Gro.
No, the true spokeshair of everyone too young to vote belongs to the relentlessly blissed-out rider of rainbows and unicorns that is 17-year-old JoJo Siwa. JoJo’s brand of bow-wrapped positivity is a giant, throbbing question mark to those of us whose default is bleak and glum (all of us), but there’s something to be said for the sparkly beams of not-misery, real or not, breaking through the petty, bickering hellscape that is Dance Moms, which launched her career into the YouTube phenomenon that it is today. All of that gross upbeat shit duly noted, JoJo and her hair are now the objects of intense speculation across social media platforms, because they maybe-kind-of-sort-of just came out as gay.