Category: Hillary Clinton
Susan Sarandon Had The Time Of Her Damn Life At The DNC Last Night! Couldn’t You Tell?
“Oh, so that’s what I looked like when a boyfriend dragged me to an Uncle Kracker concert in 2003” is what I thought while watching Susan Sarandon’s face go on a journey from “fuck this” to “no, really fuck this” to “no, no, really fuck. this.” in a matter of seconds while sitting in the audience at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia last night.
Chelsea Clinton Welcomes Second Child Into The World
What did I tell you? I told you this was coming. Spring and summer bring nothing but allergies, sweaty pits and news of babies. Ok and wine coolers. But mostly the baby stuff. And now another baby! But at least this one is semi-presidential so it has some relevance to the current political climate and debates and all that CNN talk. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton and her husband, who totally doesn’t look like he kills drifters, Marc Mezvinsky, have welcomed their second child, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, into the world.
Chelsea tweeted the announcement of his birth early this morning:
Marc and I are overwhelmed with gratitude and love as we celebrate the birth of our son, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky.
— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) June 18, 2016
Chelsea and Marc have one other child together, 20-month-old Charlotte. Chelsea’s parents, Hillary and Bill Clinton, are, let’s say… excited for the arrival of their second grandchild. But those are my words. Their statement uses language that only Michael K will truly appreciate (via People):
We are overjoyed to be grandparents again with the arrival of our grandson, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, born on Saturday, June 18, 2016. We are all over the moon as Chelsea and Marc welcome Charlotte’s little brother to the world and grateful for our many blessings. Chelsea and Aidan are both doing well and enjoying this very special time together.
If I were Hillary, I’d get Aidan and Charlotte out on the campaign trail ASAP. As we all know, this election is getting tougher and tougher, closer and closer. Every vote counts! Aidan and Charlotte can definitely help Hillary with getting more of the youth vote. Give them some funky hats and have someone write a rap for them to perform at malls. If anything, it’ll be better or on par with the current output of the music industry. Right, Tony?
In any case, rapping or not, congrats to Chelsea and Marc and may there be many moons for you to be over.
Pic: Wenn
President Obama Brought The Funny At His Last White House Correspondents’ Dinner
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reflect upon the numerous jokes and humorous lines our departing President made last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. It was, of course, his last one and he and his team made sure that whoever follows, will have a tough act to follow, comedy wise – including the host for the night, Larry Wilmore, but more on that later. President Barack Obama not only addressed the upcoming election and everything surrounding it, he also got in some good ones about the celebrities that were there.
Clinton/Spears 2016!
“Ah have no idea who this is….” – Brit Brit to herself in that pic.
Britney Spears was definitely feeling the burn yesterday, because the three Fiery Doritos® Locos Tacos Supreme she had for lunch went through her fast and 3 potty times later, her chapped b-hole was on fire. But she wasn’t feeling the Bern, obviously, since she met and posed with Hillary Clinton in Las Vegas yesterday. Hillary Clinton is in Vegas for the Democratic Caucus in Nevada. Hillary already won the highly coveted Lindsay Lohan endorsement and if she gets endorsements from Brit Brit and Heidi Montag, she’ll be able to call Mayflower Movers to schedule a move into the White House, because she’ll have this.
Brit Brit added this note to the picture she posted on Instagram:
Being in Vegas for #PieceOfMe is amazing for so many reasons… Especially today… because I had the incredible opportunity to meet @HillaryClinton!! Such an inspiration and beautiful voice for women around the world!!! This woman had an intense presence and I felt very honored to meet her!!!
Brit originally endorsed Hillary by adding #ImWithHer to that note, but she (or someone on Team Cheetolings) deleted it. But I don’t think Brit meant to endorse Hillary in the first place. I thought that Brit Brit used to be a Republican, but I’m pretty sure she’s a registered Frappertarian now. So she was typing #ImWithHersheysSyrup but the grease on her hands from the Popeye’s chicken she was having as a snack caused her fingers to slip on the keys and she published it too fast. That’s all!
And I love this pic:
Hillary “The Cockblocker” Clinton doesn’t mess around. Hillary knows that Ole’ Bill’s peen is like a magnet and automatically flies toward any stranger vagina in the immediate vicinity and Hillary wasn’t having it. Not today, Billy.
Pics: Instagram
Larry David Made Sweet Love To Twitter By Playing Bernie Sanders On SNL
I’m going to need a GIF of Killlary (Kate McKinnon as Hillary Clinton) chucking that cigarette and making that face. Curb Your Enthusiasm’s beloved cranky guy Larry David answered the cries from Twitter Nation and beyond beseeching him to play presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on SNL. There’s a striking resemblance! It just fits! It fits perfectly.
Larry did everything but drop a mic the end. Even perennial SNL drop-in Alec Baldwin couldn’t upstage his longest-arms-in-existence ass. Mission accomplished, sir.
Oh, and fun fact! David was a writer for SNL in the 80s and only got one sketch on the air. Look how far he’s come since then! Don’t give up your dreams, kids. Or don’t go write for SNL cuz’ I heard it tends to be a soul-crushing gig. Ask Janeane Garofalo.
Watch Larry David as Bernie Sanders in the vid below.
Apparently Hillary Clinton Does A Pretty Good Donald Trump
Then again, it’s not exactly hard. You just squint your eyes, react to every question as if you caught a whiff of a stinky steak fart, and call everyone a “LEW-sur.” But Hillary Clinton is doing the future presidential hustle, so it’s not surprising that she yanked at Donald Trump’s stale cotton candy weave on SNL last night.
Just like the last time she was trying to tip-toe into the White House, Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance in a sketch about Hillary Clinton (played by Kate McKinnon), but this time she didn’t play herself. She played a bartender named Val, who…was pretty much just Hillary Clinton. Still, it wasn’t the worst. Especially when Hillary vanishes at the end and leaves nothing but a “hard tan business shoe” behind.
Plus she got in a sloppy impression of Donald Trump, and that’s never a bad thing. Donald Trump impressions are like pizza and sex; even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good. It was actually the second one of the night; the show opened with Taran Killam and Cecily Strong as Donald and his gorgeous wife Melania Trump. But we won’t talk about that, because I’m still sore over how dirty they did Melania (the impression is NOTHING unless you commit 100% to Melania’s squinty-eyed frozen-faced glamour).
Obviously, the best part was the return of Darrell Hammond as Bill Clinton at the 3:50 mark. I actually would have loved if the camera followed him out of the bar. Where did Bill go? That’s the sketch I want to see! What am I saying? Bill totally went to Hooters.