People Keep Pooping During Performances Of Broadway’s “Some Like It Hot”, And Last Week It Happened Near Hillary And Chelsea Clinton
Last week, Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton went to the Shubert Theatuhhh on Broadway to see the new musical adaptation of Some Like It Hot. Unfortunately, this lovely mother-daughter outing was soiled by a nefarious Number 2-er! Page Six reports that, when the lights came up at intermission, two “human turds” appeared in the aisle “just near” Hillary and Chelsea. Two Clintons? Two poops? It doesn’t take the brilliant investigative mind of Nancy
Drew Poo to deduce the identities of the deuce-droppers. LOCK HER(S) UP! But, according to the theater’s house manager, this is actually the fourth time someone has pooped during a performance of Some Like It Hot. So it sounds like we got ourselves a good ol’ fashioned phantom pooper.
I’ve got to hand it to Kim Kardashian, the girl’s got gumption. There is no door she’s unwilling to barge through, no ceiling too high. And because we live in increasingly stupid times, people just let her! Not only do they let her, but they are also inviting her in to have a seat at the table in the rooms where it happens. According to TMZ, Kim had a busy couple of days, first having coffee with Hillary and Chelsea Clinton on Monday, then going to dinner at Jeff Bezos’ mansion with her boyfriend Pete Davidson on Tuesday. And personally, I think these leaders of the free world need to start locking their doors at night, just as a precaution until we figure out what’s going on. She could be a Russian asset for all we know!
It remains to be seen whether Beyoncé is currently pregnant with the next in line for cultural icon status. But this story is about what happened after Beyoncé gave birth twins, Rumi and Sir Carter. Specifically, we’re dealing with Chelsea Clinton’s experience with what happened. Jay-Z, if you’re listening, please pay attention: Chelsea was not impressed at your lack of excitement for Beyoncé when she squeezed her post-twins body into a performance costume.
I guess Chelsea Clinton just doesn’t have a stiff upper lip! Who wouldn’t want to hang out with the gal whose father calls their mother “crooked” and a “nasty woman”?! As y’all know, Chelsea and Ivanka Trump were the OG Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss of the Upper East Side…or something like that.
They were friends and claimed they were still friends at the start of the 2016 presidential campaign when it emerged their respective mother and father would be duking it out for the Oval Office. We all know how that dumpster fire went, and Chelsea is here to say she hasn’t exactly picked up the phone to call Ivanka and gab away about the hottest gossip in Moscow. Continue reading
Malia Obama goes to Harvard, and she was papped by TMZ at her first Harvard-Yale football game last weekend, smoking and making out with a strapping young man from Britain (Rory Farquharson). That was followed by a leaked video of Malia puffin out some smoke rings. Malia can kiss whom she pleases! She’s a strong, independent young woman with her whole life ahead of her OH PLEASE MALIA, PLEASE PLEASE ASK YOUR DAD TO COME BACK. OBAMA! THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY STUPID BUFFOONS! OBAMA, CAN YOU HEAR ME? OBAMA CAN YOU SEE ME? OBAMA CAN YOU FIND ME IN THE NIGHT?
Er, but I digress. Of course, a former First Daughter blowing smoke rings and locking lips with a boy at a college football game is a salacious scandal for those in the conservative media. Some of these haters loathe Obama & Co. even more than they hate the words “Happy Holidays.” So a former First Daughter living her life at a tailgate is practically cause for a Senate inquiry. Thankfully, one former First Daughter and a current First Daughter took to social media to defend her.
What did I tell you? I told you this was coming. Spring and summer bring nothing but allergies, sweaty pits and news of babies. Ok and wine coolers. But mostly the baby stuff. And now another baby! But at least this one is semi-presidential so it has some relevance to the current political climate and debates and all that CNN talk. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton and her husband, who totally doesn’t look like he kills drifters, Marc Mezvinsky, have welcomed their second child, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, into the world.
Chelsea tweeted the announcement of his birth early this morning:
Marc and I are overwhelmed with gratitude and love as we celebrate the birth of our son, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky.
— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) June 18, 2016
Chelsea and Marc have one other child together, 20-month-old Charlotte. Chelsea’s parents, Hillary and Bill Clinton, are, let’s say… excited for the arrival of their second grandchild. But those are my words. Their statement uses language that only Michael K will truly appreciate (via People):
We are overjoyed to be grandparents again with the arrival of our grandson, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, born on Saturday, June 18, 2016. We are all over the moon as Chelsea and Marc welcome Charlotte’s little brother to the world and grateful for our many blessings. Chelsea and Aidan are both doing well and enjoying this very special time together.
If I were Hillary, I’d get Aidan and Charlotte out on the campaign trail ASAP. As we all know, this election is getting tougher and tougher, closer and closer. Every vote counts! Aidan and Charlotte can definitely help Hillary with getting more of the youth vote. Give them some funky hats and have someone write a rap for them to perform at malls. If anything, it’ll be better or on par with the current output of the music industry. Right, Tony?
In any case, rapping or not, congrats to Chelsea and Marc and may there be many moons for you to be over.