Hillary Clinton Said A Few Nice Things About Kim Kartrashian….

And now here’s something from the department of: MOTHERFUCK WHY, HILLARY, WHY!!!!?!!!!!

Last month, Hillary Clinton took a selfie and talked with the President of the United States of Yeezus, Kanye West, and his plastic creation Kim Kartrashian at a fundraiser , because I guess she figured that the golden showers lovers demographic is still a demographic she can get votes from. That selfie scared me more than a closed sign on an In-N-Out, but Hillary’s gotta hustle and believe it or not, the Kartrashians kult is full of brainwashed followers who will do whatever they say (proof: the fact that they still exist). But Hillary went too, too far last night…

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Meanwhile, On The Democrat Side….

As the top 10 Republican presidential candidates entertained a nation with some good old-fashioned foolery, this mess happened.

Variety says that Hillary Clinton hit L.A. last night and went to a fundraiser thrown by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun and that’s where she met the reigning fame whore rulers of the ho stroll Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West. Scooter Braun AND Pimp Mama Kris?! Lord, if Hillary Clinton really wants to secure the fame whore vote, she should’ve went to a more respectable event like a fundraiser thrown by Phoebe Price and Bai Ling in front of Kitson.

TMZ says that people at the event were told to not take pictures of Hillary, but she made an exception for the Kuntrashians. Hillary posed for an Instagram portrait with PMK and became the meat in an attention whore sandwich when she posed for a selfie with Kummy Kakes and Kanye. The shit you gotta do for a vote:

I got my selfie!!! I really loved hearing her speak & hearing her goals for our country! #HillaryForPresident pic.twitter.com/zGpdcGSZBD

— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) August 7, 2015

Maybe Hillary posed with PMK, because it’s her way of saying that she’s got this game so locked up that she can pose with one of Satan’s mutated ass warts and still win it all.

You’ll Never Ever Believe This, But Hillary Clinton Is Running For President

In a development that’s about as shocking as the time I came out as a full-fledged peen lover to my cousins, Hillary Clinton announced today that she will once again pull her hair back and dip her glue-covered fists in broken glass to battle bitches for the title of President of the United States. Hillary made the announcement in the Mojave Tent at Coachella while wearing a crown of Scrunchies and banana clips, cut-off coochie cutters, a fringed vest and while throwing a side-eye on Bill Clinton who kept trying to grind on one of the Jenners. No, Hillary announced that she’s running in an e-mail sent to donors and in this video that I thought was some kind of cereal commercial until she finally popped up at around the 1:34 mark:

Hillary is going to start campaigning right away and she’s already made plans to meet with voters in Iowa and New Hampshire. The Guardian says that a quick second after Hillary announced that she’s running, Jeb Bush, who hasn’t officially entered the game yet, e-mailed his donors and let them know that it’s going to be a fight, but they’re going to take her down. So in other words, Jeb Bush is totally going to TP Hillary’s house tonight.

And Kate McKinnon should go ahead and surgically attach her Hillary Clinton wig to her head, because she’s not going to take it off for a while.

ICYMI: Some Lady Tried To Shoe Hillary Clinton In The Face

I know most of Hillary Clinton’s shoes look like they came from a Naturalizer outlet, but throwing a shoe at her is not the way to tell her to step up her shoe game. Hillary was on stage at some recycling conference at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas yesterday when a crazy blonde bitch (Does Ann Coulter have an alibi?) got past security and busted out a scene straight out of a Flavor of Love reunion when she tried to hit Hillary in the head with a flying heel. You’d think that Hillary would be used to Bill Clinton’s scorned whores throwing shit at her and she’d catch the shoe and throw it back, but instead she clapped her hands together, said “SANTO DIOS!” on the inside, prayed and scurried away. I had to laugh, because Hillary looked like my abuelita doing the Cha Cha Slide. Now turn it up!

Hillary made a few jokes afterward and sadly one of the jokes wasn’t, “Who throws a shoe, honestly?”

“What was that, a bat? Is that somebody throwing something at me? Is that part of Cirque du Soleil? My goodness, I didn’t know that solid waste management was so controversial. Thank goodness she didn’t play softball like I did.”

The crazy shoe-throwing blonde bitch was taken into custody by secret service. They didn’t give up her name and didn’t say why she did it. Oh well, that’s the last we’ll hear of her, because she’ll probably be skinned alive and her skin will be used to make Hillary a brand new set of scrunchies.

Of course, this is obligatory:

Dubya does it better, but if I had to pick between him and Hillary for my dodgeball team, I’d go with Hillary, because I can’t say no to a chick in a scrunchie.

Bill Clinton Wet Humped On Elizabeth Hurley, So Says Tom Sizemore (UPDATE: Tom Sizemore Made It All Up )

UPDATE: Tom Sizemore admits to HuffPo that he’s never met Bill Clinton and was most likely high out of his mind when he told that fake story. Tom says the tape is really old and the story is not true. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton probably DM’d Elizabeth Hurley on Twitter and asked, “Care to make it true? I’ll bring the cigars.”

Noted lady beater and meth head Tom Sizemore tells Radar and the Globe (THE GLOBE!!!) that all the way back in 1998, he set President Slick Willy up with Elizabeth Hurley and the two boned on each other for a full year in the White House. Bill Clinton has always been a slut, so I totally believe that he strengthened American and British relations by fucking Elizabeth Hurley, but this is coming from Tom Sizemore. Tom Sizemore is about as reliable as my gossiping tia who for years swore to me that her burgundy hair was natural.

Radar says that in a joint investigation with the Globe, they UNEARTHED a recording from January of Tom Sizemore talking about how he hooked President Clinton up with Liz Hurley in one night. They call it a “joint investigation,” because they gave Tom Sizemore 20 joints in exchange for the UNEARTHED recording he probably recorded by himself in the bathroom five minutes beforehand. In the recording, Tom says that during a screening of Saving Private Ryan at the White House in 1998, Bill Clinton took him aside and asked him if he still talked to Liz Hurley. (Tom Sizemore and Liz Hurley dated for a few years.) Tom Sizemore goes on to spit out more meth-infused details and the dialogue is a mess.

When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.

Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb motherfucker, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”

The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room.

“[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”

Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48.

“Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress, who played Vanessa Kensington in the 1997 hit Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.

And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer!

Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this shit. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”

Hours later, he claims, Hurley was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“While we’re at the reception, I see her,” Sizemore reveals, but then she disappeared through a door, trailed by a Secret Service agent.

As she disappeared into a room with the President, Sizemore charges, “Bill turns to me and he goes, ‘I owe you one.’”

As to what happened after that, Sizemore declares on the tape: “What do you think? She was there for four days. He fucked her that night.”

Tom adds that Bill and Liz did it for a year, but he broke it off with her, because he was falling in love with her and he “doesn’t do love.” Liz Hurley said that the story is “ludicrous” and claims the lawyers are handling it.

If anybody but Tom Sizemore told that story, I’d one hundred percent believe it. But when Tom Sizemore opens his mouth, either barf, lies or a little of both are going to fall out. A talking crack house rat probably told Tom that story while he smoked crack out of a light bulb. You know, if the talking crack house rat directly told the Globe that story, I’d believe it was true.

I mean, that dialogue. That dialogue sounds like it was written by the worst porn writer in the San Fernando Valley. Wait, since I put it that way, maybe Tom is telling the truth. Because I totally believe that when Bill Clinton’s talking about ass, he sounds like he’s in the most poorly written porn ever.

Carey Mulligan Is The Top Choice To Play A Young Hillary Clinton

The Hillary Clinton biopic is actually happening….

When it was announced that a biopic about Hillary Clinton’s early years in the political game is going to be made, names like ScarJo, Jessica Chastain and Emma Stone were thrown around as possibilities to play young Hillary. Jessica Chastain quickly said that she’s not going to play young Hillary so Bill Clinton can stop texting her to see if she needs a little private coaching to really get into the part (and by that he means he wants to get into her parts). So that leaves ScarJo and Emma Stone, but The Hollywood Reporter says that neither of them are the director’s first choice. THR’s source says that director James Ponsoldt is meeting with Carey Mulligan about playing Hillary in his movie Rodham.

Apparently, the producer and James really want Carey and Carey really wants to play HillPuppy. THR describes Rodham like this:

The indie drama portrays Rodham as a young lawyer on the committee involved in President Richard Nixon’s impeachment, and her juggling a diverging career path with her unresolved feelings for future president Bill Clinton.

If Rodham is 2 full hours of young Hillary looking sad, confused, scared, cold and vulnerable (you know, like she really has to pee, but she’s not going to because she’s expecting the police to call to tell her if they found her lost puppy or not), then Carey Mulligan will nail it!

The Brits are taking all the American parts! They took Batman, Superman, Lincoln and now they’re taking Hillary. The only way to even things out is if Rojo Caliente plays Prince Hot Ginge in a biopic (please somebody make this happen).

And I said this in Afternoon Crumbs the other day, but I’m going to say it again. The only person who should play Hillary Clinton is La Pequeña.

Hell, just release that video as the official Hillary Clinton biopic and call it a day.