Katy Perry Might Be Humping On John Mayer Again

After several months of maybe rubbing against Diplo’s DJ dick stick and a possible one-time hit it n’ quit it n’ get tested for whatever you got from it with humanoid Florida truck stop toilet seat sperm Riff Raff, it sounds like store brand Jane Lane Katy Perry might be sliding back down the douche ladder and landing on the Vinegar Prince himself, John Mayer. Uh…get it girl? I guess?

According to UsWeekly, Katy and John were spotted having dinner together this weekend, and as we all know, dinner = hard core fucking. A source tells UsWeekly that the two have “reconnected” (again, fucking), adding that “things just needed to cool down. They aren’t officially back on but talking again.”

But what happened between Katy and her Taylor Swift-dragging beau Diplo? According to that same source (Daria), it was only ever just a hook up thing and they were never serious about each other because Katy was touring and didn’t have time for a boyfriend type in her life. Well, I guess that answers my question “For why the hell is Katy Perry hanging out with a grown dude who starts Twitter fights with teenagers?” Casual boning. The answer is casual boning.

But back to John Mayer. After Katy Perry and John Mayer had dinner, apparently they went back to Katy’s house. NO KATY! You can’t keep wrapping your down-lows around John Mayer’s douche rod! That’s how you get dickmatized. Or maybe they went back to Katy’s house to play a game called Who I Did When I Was Done Doing You. That’s a game people play, right? Regardless, if Katy is going to go out for dinner with all her past pieces, I hope she remembers to brace herself when it comes time to ask Russell Brand how much the bill came to.

Pigs Are Flying, Hell Froze Over, And Cameron Diaz May Be Engaged

It’s a sad day in Pinche Putadom. Everyone is poised to pour one out for the loss of their leader, notorious jet-hopping-for-dick forever single serial ho Cameron Diaz at the news that she may be engaged (!!!) to her boyfriend, Anemic Sunday Comics Pillsbury Doughboy Benji Madden. Of course, liquor is precious and delicious and they’re not stupid so they’ve pressed pause on the pour until they actually see her ass sporting a veil on the cover of People.

Cameron took a day off from preaching pussy gospel (bush is beautiful!! Can I get an amen! No?) to attend the Academy’s Hollywood Costume luncheon in LA on Wednesday, and hos at E! noticed that she had a little sumpin-sumpin shiny on THAT finger, sparking rumors that she was ready to trade her sucia card in for a life of domestic bliss. I’m no expert, but to me that sounds a lot like trading your Miata convertible in on a minivan so I’m not going to ask Cameron to be my financial advisor anytime soon.

It’s hard to believe that Cammy would go from hitting and quitting Justin Timberlake and Alex Rodriguez to settling down with a guy like Benji. I mean, look at him. Dude has to be seriously packing, or maybe he just seems that way to her after humping on Alex’s little roid rod for so long. Or maybe it was the unique ring, which looks suspiciously like a sparkling peen on the verge of plunging into an extra large vagina. Yeah that’s got to be it. That would totally win me over.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Every Trick Is Changing Her Last Name

First, Jessica Simpson changes her last name to Jessica Johnson (which is a little weird since I’m pretty sure John Mayer named his johnson “Jessica“) and now Cheryl Cole has taken the last name of her stranger husband and Katie Price is “thinking” about taking the last name of the estranged husband that supposedly boned her best friend while his baby is growing in her womb. It’s name changing day! Let’s all change our last names, and I would play along and change my name to Michael K Cooper of Wales, but I’m pretty sure the restraining orders stop me from doing so.

Cheryl Cole continued to be the British poster ho for “Bitch, what are you doing?” when she married the French playboy she knew for a grand total of 3 months. Cheryl Cole made Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini her second husband a week ago and just like she did with her first husband, Ashley Cole, she’s taken his last name. Cheryl Cole’s spokeswhore tells The Daily Mail that she’s now Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and she’s probably under a tattoo artist’s needle to change the chav-tastic Mrs. C tattoo on her neck. Cheryl truly keeps finding ways to prove that dickmatization is a real thing. Dick so good it’s got a ho changing her last name after three months. Even though I like the name Cheryl Fernandez-Versini since it sounds like the name of the least popular afternoon local news anchor in the Miami area or like the name of the worst character in a Jackie Collins novel, Cheryl needs to stop with this shit. Is she really going to change her name every time she marries a new dude? Bitch is going to have more last names than the Duchess of Alba by the time she’s 40. Cheryl should just legally change her name to [Insert My Latest Husband’s Last Name Here]. It’s simpler and involves less paperwork.

And now onto that other British rose petal who is known for making only the best decisions…

Katie Price was on Fubar Radio and in between talking about how assholes are like vaginas in disguise and how one of her ex-husbands (see: Alex Reid) loves screwing “lady boys,” she said that she’s thinking about taking her cheating whore of a husband Kieran Hayler’s last name. This is a wonderful decision since Katie is supposedly going to divorce Keiran for passing his peen to her best friend.

“I’d love to have the surname but obviously for work it’s Price. Yes, I would do it, with Kieran he’d have to prove himself first before I actually have the name. I’m quite old fashioned, I just want to be in love, have that fairytale, be that perfect wife, have their name, still have your own career because I think that’s important that you’re not in and out of each other’s pockets and stuff.”

Yes, Katie Price is just an old-fashioned kind of girl who probably leaked her that video of her getting toe fucked and most likely staged this whole cheating SCANDAL for maximum attention and is now trying to shamelessly steal the name changing spotlight from Jessica Johnson and Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini! And if she thinks it’s important that she and her husband not always be in each other’s pockets, why is she pissed that he gotten into somebody else’s pocket?

Here’s Katie Price Andre Reid Hayler arriving and leaving Fubar Radio with Princess YTuMamaTambien.

Pics: Wenn.com

Shakira’s Boyfriend Doesn’t Allow Her To Do Music Videos With Men Anymore

Even Candace Cameron Bure read that headline and went “Shoot girl, are you ever allowed out of the house? Blink once for yes and twice for HELP A BITCH ESCAPE!”

Shakira gave an interview to Billboard where she talks about having to ask her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, for permission to shoot that fake gayelle tourism video with Rihanna. That alone was enough for my eyes to hyperspeed into a cut-eye that said ‘Excuse you and excuse your permission-asking bullshit.’ But then she hit the gas hard and plowed right into an International Women’s Day parade:

“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”

She’s not allowed to even think about filming a music video with another man? Shit, dickmatized doesn’t even come close to describing Shakira’s relationship with her boyfriend; it’s more like dickmatrapped. Adam Levine, Usher, and Blake Shelton need to stop whatever they’re doing (humping a lingerie model, putting Bieber down for a nap, hiding in the garage from Miranda Lambert) and force Shakira to watch Sleeping with the Enemy and The Stranger Beside Me, followed by singing I’m Every Woman into their hair brushes.

And speaking of Adam Levine; Shakira’s boyfriend can’t be that territorial if he’s letting her sit next to the King of the Man Sluts on The Voice. Or maybe he’s made peace with the fact that Adam’s hoo-hoo hungry dick is able to hunt down snatch like the Predator and there’s nothing he can do about it.

(Pic: Splash)

Mila Kunis Must Be Heavily Dickmatized Because She’s Agreed To Appear On Two And A Half Men

It looks like Mila Kunis is thinking: “Did he just say I agreed to a guest spot on Two and a Half Men?!? Oh fuck. I was more dick-drunk than I thought last night. I need to get to a Dickaholics Anonymous meeting asap because I’m making mistaaaakes.”

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have only been engaged for a week and already they’re polishing up the ol’ self destruct button. Jesus, let her try on her first bedazzled Bride tracksuit before you go jinxing the shit out of this marriage, you two. According to CBS, Mila has chosen to give her relationship a slow-burning kiss of death, just like Denise Richards before her, by appearing opposite her fiancé on an upcoming episode of Two and a Half Men. In it, she’ll play “Vivian”, a free-spirited world traveler who shows up at Ashton Kutcher’s character’s house because who cares, it doesn’t matter (it’s Two and a Half Men, not Homeland). In a completely original Shyamalan-ian twist you never saw coming, Ashton falls in love with Vivian, but – RUH ROH – he was planning to propose to somebody else!

Ashton has recently said that he’s no longer that dude who pumps ’em and dumps ’em (ho please) so pretending to fall in love with a hot rando will show some serious range on his part (throw me a rope and help me out of this sarcasm chasm). And Mila can show what a truly great actress she is by acting like she isn’t completely embarrassed to be doing a single-episode guest-spot on a piece of trash like Two and a Half Men. Meanwhile, Jon Cryer will be in his dressing room cursing the production assistants for removing anything that could be used to help him kill himself and end the waking nightmare that is acting opposite Kelso from That 70s Show.

Here’s more of Kelso and Jackie at the Lakers game on Tuesday night, showing off THAT FINGER and eating out of brown paper rowboats. I don’t even know what they’re eating, but I’m sure it’s delicious because anything that comes from 8 years of stadium fry oil is always delicious.

(Pics: Splash)

We’re All Tamara Ecclestone

Well, we’re all Tamara Ecclestone without the zillions of dollars of daddy’s money, the $32 million London mansion, the lease agreement on a $125 million Holmby Hills mansion, the wonky nose job, the weave made from the manes of a dozen Arabian ponies, the zero sense of knowing what it’s like to actually earn a dollar for yourself and the anus covered with liquid platinum and canary diamonds (mine’s only covered with yellow-tinted Wite Out and plastic Barbie earrings). Okay, we’re all nothing like Tamara Ecclestone, but I’m sure this was most of us on New Year’s Eve. Replace the fancy bellman with the clerk at 7-Eleven and replace that fancy gold dress with a torn tank top and stained swim shorts, and that was me on New Year’s Eve! I’m pretty sure my mom was behind me making a “Did I actually give birth to a human whose drunk farts smell like that?!” face.

These pictures of the Nicky Hilton of Britain are from the early hours of 2013 (aka 2 days old), but in between yelling at the wild Hawaiian roosters for making rooster noises and making bitchfaces at the loud children at the pool in my mom’s timeshare, I missed them! So I’m bringing them to you way late, because I just can’t resist a picture of a drunk-eyed, messy ho who looks like a plastic Mufasa in bad Leona Lewis drag.

Anyway, I’m back from my Hawaiian vacation so I’d like raise a Bikini Blonde to Lahoma, Sweetas and J. Harvey for sprinkling the foolery on Dlisted while I was off getting a sunburn on my armpit (that happened somehow). And now that I’m back full-time expect 100% more eyebrow appreciation and 90% more grammatical errors. (Yes, I read your posts, J. Harvey. You’re the 10%!)