Introducing Jessica Johnson

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson posted what is supposed to be a picture of herself on her honeymoon (I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a black and white picture of a drunk Willam Belli, but whatever) to Instagram this morning, and whether it was intentional or not, something was taking the attention away from Jessica’s sucked-in-to-hell-and-back body. Jessica Simpson captioned the photo “Jessica Johnson”, which means she’s either decided to take the last name of her husband Eric Johnson, or this is Jessica Simpson’s idea of a bad bitch Sasha Fierce-style alter-ego.

Everyone knows that, regardless of gender, a good gold digger takes the name of their million-dollar piece, so if anyone is going to change their name, it will be Eric Johnson (I’m guessing he’ll go traditional with Mr. Jessica Simpson). Which means that obviously Jessica Johnson is the name Jessica Simpson uses when she wants to pretend that she’s a sexy-yet-drowsy 4th-tier amateur MILF porn star who may or may not also work at a Bath & Body Works outlet.

In the event she does actually change her name to Jessica Johnson, I hope she also changes the name of her fashion empire as well. Jessica Johnson would be to basic bitches what Ralph Lauren is to snobby rich white ladies. Imagine if every Jessica Johnson handbag came with a coupon for a pumpkin spice latte and a complimentary pair of Uggs? She’d go from being a basic bitch millionaire to a basic bitch billionaire.

Pic: Instagram

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