It’s Christmas Eve! Tomorrow morning all the little children will ask their parents why Santa, a hairy old dude from the North, was allowed inside their home, but they haven’t seen Grandma since March. Quick, distract the youths with gifts! The bigger the better! Over in Cedarburg, Wisconsin, Pancake the Pomeranian received his special gift a couple weeks early. Pancake’s owners blessed him with a new little brother: a Pomeranian puppy named Blueberry. Awww!
74-year-old Dolly Parton can add another title to her already extensive resume including universal treasure, country legend, glamour icon, and COVID savior. She’s also a child-saver. CNN says that on the set of her latest flick, Dolly Parton’s Christmas On The Square, she saved the life of her 9-year-old co-star, Talia Hill, when she pulled her out of the way of a car. How have we not cloned Dolly Parton yet? Her DNA is clearly superior.
For the first time since 1978, rich people won’t descend on Calabasas to indulge in the wealth of the Kardashian Koven for Khristmas Eve. I know. Of all the tragedies to befall humanity recently, rich people NOT having a holiday party is truly the most relevant and saddest to hear about. Is there a GoFundMe yet?
Open Post: Hosted By Mariah Carey’s New Video For “Oh Santa!” (Featuring Jennifer Hudson And Ariana Grande)
When I read that Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, and Jennifer Hudson did a Christmas song together for Mariah’s AppleTV+ Christmas special, Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special, I thought to myself, “We better prepare.” Because the sound of those three women hitting their high-notes, runs and shouts at the same time? It would shake the planet loose from our orbit around the sun! Luckily such a catastrophe was avoided because they chose to keep the whistle notes and “Hey-eeyay-eeyay-yay-yay-eeyaAYAY-YAY-YAYYYYYYYYYYYs” to a minimum.
This is terrible news for anyone whose Christmas Day isn’t complete until they’ve seen Queen Elizabeth and her closest DNA relations put on their best hats and wool coats and get photographed walking to and from a church in Norfolk, England. I’m sorry, but your Christmas is ruined! And you have The Queen herself to thank for it (I’m sure if you send an angry letter now, she’ll receive it by the 25th). Buckingham Palace announced earlier today that The Queen’s annual holiday family tradition of gathering at her big fancy estate, Sandringham House, isn’t going to happen this year.
A literal interpretation of the trainwreck that is the Trump Presidency is currently chug-chug-chugging its way through The White House towards its inevitable fiery conclusion thanks to Melania Trump’s newly revealed Christmas display. Keen eyes will also spot subtle nods to other administrative disasters such as a sequined COVID hospital emergency room and a boat in obvious distress representing the capsized vessels of the Lake Travis Trump Boat Parade. Despite not giving a fuck about “the Christmas stuff and decorations,” The Slovenian Grinch acted on the Be Bester angles of her nature and created a display so chilling, it makes her Evil Queen of The Blood Forest motif from Christmas 2018, look as innocuous as a holiday display in a Cracker Barrel gift shop.