Category: Christmas Shit
Open Post: Hosted By The Pizza Hut Christmas Tree Topper
Like it or not, the Christmas season is here. This means it’s time for the annual knock-down-drag-out fight about what goes on top of the Christmas tree. Your mom wants an angel, your dad wants a star, and dear grandmama wants an old-timey Father Christmas. What’s a good Christian family to do? Enter the Pizza Hut Christmas tree topper, modeled after the restaurant’s iconic stained-glass light fixtures that used to hang over each booth. Yay! The holidays are saved! I can’t wait to get spend top dollar on this item and– Excuse me?! The Pizza Hut tree topper isn’t for sale? Then why is it featured in commercials and on the Holiday Hut Shop website? Welp, Christmas is back to being ruined. Burn the tree! Continue reading
Tori Spelling Says That Dean McDermott Was Absent From The Family Christmas Card Because He Was Filming In Canada
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been plagued by rumors of an impending divorce for so long, and the latest rumor is that Tori feels “trapped” in her marriage to Dean, due to the fact that they have five kids together and money is a little too tight to be blowing a massive chunk on a divorce battle and subsequent support payments. Tori is probably writing a letter to Santa Claus asking if he’s able to stuff a finalized divorce into her stocking, and a magic box of cash to cover any spousal support payments to be left under the tree. And when it came time to publish the ol’ family Christmas card, Dean was nowhere to be seen. But! That’s not because Tori kicked him off the card like she’s evicted him out of her bedroom so many times before. She says there’s nothing shady or suspicious about it, Dean was just working in Canada.
Open Post: Hosted By Pancake The Pomeranian Getting A New Little Brother For Christmas
It’s Christmas Eve! Tomorrow morning all the little children will ask their parents why Santa, a hairy old dude from the North, was allowed inside their home, but they haven’t seen Grandma since March. Quick, distract the youths with gifts! The bigger the better! Over in Cedarburg, Wisconsin, Pancake the Pomeranian received his special gift a couple weeks early. Pancake’s owners blessed him with a new little brother: a Pomeranian puppy named Blueberry. Awww!
Open Post: Hosted By Guardian Angel Dolly Parton Saving Her Co-Star From Being Hit By A Car
74-year-old Dolly Parton can add another title to her already extensive resume including universal treasure, country legend, glamour icon, and COVID savior. She’s also a child-saver. CNN says that on the set of her latest flick, Dolly Parton’s Christmas On The Square, she saved the life of her 9-year-old co-star, Talia Hill, when she pulled her out of the way of a car. How have we not cloned Dolly Parton yet? Her DNA is clearly superior.
The Kardashians Are Calling Off Their Khristmas Party For The First Time In Over 40 Years
For the first time since 1978, rich people won’t descend on Calabasas to indulge in the wealth of the Kardashian Koven for Khristmas Eve. I know. Of all the tragedies to befall humanity recently, rich people NOT having a holiday party is truly the most relevant and saddest to hear about. Is there a GoFundMe yet?
Open Post: Hosted By Mariah Carey’s New Video For “Oh Santa!” (Featuring Jennifer Hudson And Ariana Grande)
When I read that Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, and Jennifer Hudson did a Christmas song together for Mariah’s AppleTV+ Christmas special, Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special, I thought to myself, “We better prepare.” Because the sound of those three women hitting their high-notes, runs and shouts at the same time? It would shake the planet loose from our orbit around the sun! Luckily such a catastrophe was avoided because they chose to keep the whistle notes and “Hey-eeyay-eeyay-yay-yay-eeyaAYAY-YAY-YAYYYYYYYYYYYs” to a minimum.