The citizens of New York deserve a much-needed interruption from choking on orange, polluted air. And for those bold enough to venture out, they’re in luck for a culinary flavor explosion in their mouth holes. Because this weekend, for forty-eight hours only, Pizza Hut is releasing a pickle pizza that sounds like something Shaggy, Scooby, and the rest of the stoners of the world would rejoice in consuming. But unfortunately, it will only be served at one particular NYC Pizza Hut location, and they have a very specific reason why they’re not releasing the pie outside of the Empire State.
When it comes to eating pizza with a hungry family, the larger, the better; otherwise, you end up getting two thin slices that are missing 75% of the cheese. But if a 14” isn’t big enough for your ravenous appetite, then I present to you Pizza Hut’s largest pizza, clocking in at 13,990 square feet. That’s enough to last like three dinners!
The fast-food wars are the modern version of the Hundred Years’ War. But instead of various Germanic and French royal houses besieging one another and birthing new fiefdoms, we get Burger King sniping at Ronald McDonald and heart disease. The most recent assault comes from Pizza Hut on Taco Bell. Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza is a cult hit with celebrities like Doja Cat and Dolly Parton among its devoted follower base. And as the arbiter of all things pizza (sorry Papa John), Pizza Hut has thrown some subtle shade at Taco Bell’s “pizza” by creating its own Tex-Mex dish: the Italian Taco. And people say America isn’t cultured!
Like it or not, the Christmas season is here. This means it’s time for the annual knock-down-drag-out fight about what goes on top of the Christmas tree. Your mom wants an angel, your dad wants a star, and dear grandmama wants an old-timey Father Christmas. What’s a good Christian family to do? Enter the Pizza Hut Christmas tree topper, modeled after the restaurant’s iconic stained-glass light fixtures that used to hang over each booth. Yay! The holidays are saved! I can’t wait to get spend top dollar on this item and– Excuse me?! The Pizza Hut tree topper isn’t for sale? Then why is it featured in commercials and on the Holiday Hut Shop website? Welp, Christmas is back to being ruined. Burn the tree! Continue reading
The worst part about ordering pizza is the shame. The person who delivers the pizza comes to your door, sees you in your PJs at 3 PM, notes that you’re the only human being in your studio apartment, sees the cat, smells the weed, and hands over your large pepperoni with a side of garlic bread and three dipping sauces with judgment in his eyes. So when I read that Pizza Hut was testing drone delivery in Israel, I excitedly Googled “how to move to Israel during a pandemic.”
Alas, I was misled. Yes, the delicious pizza will be delivered by drones, but only for part of the trip. The droned pies will be dropped into government-approved landing zones (like parking lots), then drivers will deliver them like usual for the final leg of the journey. Sigh.
The above Miss Piggy photo was chosen to coat your corneas in glamour before I drop this devastating bomb: 300 Pizza Hut restaurants will permanently close after one of the chain’s biggest franchisees, NPC International, filed for bankruptcy last month. The specific restaurants and timing have not yet been determined, so this could affect any of us. To quote Joni Mitchell, “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone?”