Open Post: Hosted By Christopher Meloni’s Son Scoring Free Drinks At A Drag Bar For Being Christopher Meloni’s Son
In Christopher Meloni’s house, it’s always Zaddy’s Day, but he does observe the traditional Father’s Day as well, because – well, he’s an actual father and not just the internet’s collective source of thirst. And in honor of Father’s Day, and maybe also a little bit of Pride Month, Christopher decided to share a story about one of his kids using their dad’s name in the most practical way possible: by scoring free drinks at a drag bar.
Well, there you have it. Fly costumes everywhere are sold out, and the #1 searched Google phrase is, “How do I make a fly costume for my tongue?” Because Christopher Meloni, whose hotness has set fire to more loins than a malfunctioning vibrator, has brought out his nipples and rock-hard ass cakes for a cover spread in Men’s Health. And during the interview for his cover story, Christopher Meloni joked that his ass cheeks can trap flies like a Venus Fly Trap. Well, if Christopher Meloni is ever looking to make a few more coins, he can launch a fleshlight mold of his ass that you hang on your patio to swallow up flies.
There’s always been one Chris glaringly missing from the Great Chris conversation and that’s 60-year-old Christopher Meloni, but I think it’s because he’s so hot it’s not fair to Chris Hemsworth‘s arms. Also, he sometimes goes by the full “Christopher” because he’s Zaddy-style–and he knows it. Christopher “Ass That Physically Cannot Quit” Meloni talked about it with Interview magazine and there was an accompanying photoshoot so thirst-quenching of the gays that Nick Jonas must be absolutely screeching somewhere in rage for not coming up with it first.
Apologies to Keanu Reeves but the internet’s actual boyfriend is a butt. Christopher Meloni’s to be exact (pictured here with his pooch Scotty the Wonder Dog). Christopher’s storied rump was recently spotted in Park Slope, Brooklyn as he filmed scenes for the latest Law & Order spin-off, L&O: Organized Crime. Now, a Meloni melon sighting, while always welcome, is not that infrequent, but this one was captured on film while Christopher was doing some kind of leg stretch, pushing his tight pants to the limit of their ability to contain the ham within. And the photo caused such a stir on Twitter, that Christopher was compelled to offer an explanation for how he came into possession of “so much cake.” Yes, it’s a ham, it’s cake, it’s a peach, it’s a pair of perfectly plump oversized King’s Hawaiian rolls — it’s a whole buffet.
Sigh. Thick slab of man meat, Christopher Meloni, took to Twitter to share two pics of his “Quarantine Kilt”; including one sans shirt. Any other attention whore celeb? Eyeroll! But Christopher? Oh, sweet Christopher Meloni. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. The photo gets extra interesting when you’re armed with the knowledge that, traditionally, Scots don’t wear any underwear under their kilts. They just freeball it. I guess so they can feel the baltic wind on their muckle knobs. Continue reading
Back when HBO did the lord’s work by showing us actual dick on their shows, Christopher Meloni’s peen was practically the lead on Oz and it was rare for an episode to go by without our loved ones having to turn the hose on us and tase our heads after his dick popped up on screen and we pressed our tongues against it and refused to disengage. Most of us have had several servings of Meloni dick and we’ve even seen his remarkable anus lips. We’ve seen all of Meloni! You can probably draw every vein on his peen from memory and if you’re really moist for Meloni (shot out to commenter Moist For Meloni wherever you are) you probably see it every day since you stitched a picture of it on the inside of your panties. But still, a picture of Christopher Meloni’s zipper-busting plaid bulge is still an important event that we all need to be made aware of! Meloni tweeted a picture of his doggy friend looking at his bushel of Snausages bulge with biting eyes and he threw in this note:
I will stare at ur genitalia until u feed me…
Or that doggy’s thinking, “Where’s the peanut butter?” No, no, no. It’s always too early for bestiality.
But seriously, there’s no better way to start your week than to start it by wishing you had the power to shapeshift into Christopher Meloni’s dog so you could stare at his sausage and potatoes until he fed you.