Brangelina’s Child Army Might Be Adding A New Recruit

Dlisted’s BABIES!!! tag has been overworked lately, so let’s just overwork it all the way. No 15 minute bong break for you, BABIES!!! tag.

If the tabloids aren’t saying that Brad Pitt and St. Angie lied to us all by getting married when all gay people can’t get married yet, they’re saying that they broke up and if they’re not saying that they broke up, then they’re saying that they’re one fetus closer to taking down the Duggars. This week, Star Magazine is going with the last one.

It’s been over 4 years since a fetus has moved into the holy baby rectory in St. Angie Jo’s body, and now some source (aka Maddox and Zahara cranking again) told Star (via Hollywood Life) that she has dusted off her uterus and pulled the white sheets off of the furniture, because she is knocked up again. The source says that Angie has been waiting a long time to add a 7th member to their child army, but Brad wasn’t having it, because the last thing he wanted was another child yanking on his greasy mop while he’s trying to have a quiet and intimate moment with his Vaporizer. But the source says that whether Brad likes it or not, another chosen one will land on earth soon. Brad is apparently telling his friends that they’re having another boy:

“Angelina has been talking about having another child for years now. But Brad kept putting his foot down because of their intense schedules and chaotic lifestyle. She’s focusing on the other children right now, trying to prepare them for the new baby. Shiloh has even determined that the baby’s name must be John.”

The source had me until the “John” part. Like Shiloh is really going to give up the name she gave to herself. The new kid’s going to have to win that name in a rubber knife fight against Shiloh. Besides, if Angie is eating for one now and if she’s having a boy, I hope he comes out Asian and I hope they do the right thing by giving him a name that ends with X (examples: Twix, FedEx, Zerofux, Anthrax, etc…). That way Pax, Maddox and the new baby X can start an Asian boy band in the far future and call it The Triple X.

Brangelina WOULD Get Married On Jesus’ Birthday

If you were born on or around December 25th, then I’m sure you have already cursed your parents for insisting on partaking in bareback love during the springtimes. Jesus is an attention whore, so December 25th is always all about him and other December 25th babies get the shaft. Christmas babies usually get dual purpose gifts and their birthday cake is a pile of leftover holiday cookies with a half-melted candle stuck in it. Well, Christmas babies, Jesus now feels your pain, because his special day has been overshadowed by the ultimate attention whores: BRANGELINA!

The Telegraph says that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo might’ve (but probably not) gotten married on Christmas Day during their holiday vacation to Turks and Caicos. Proving that he’s still a cheating bastard, Brad Pitt cheated on Chanel by staying at Donna Karan’s estate. A source says that Brad’s parents, his sister Julie and his more-talented brother Doug Pitt joined Brangelina and their child army in Turks and Caicos. Some tourists say that they spotted a bulgy-eyed creature slithering around the island, so either James Haven gave Angie away or an iguana on meth did.

So if this is true, then on December 25, 2013, the following is going to happen:

– Instead of wearing red and green Christmas sweaters, we’re going to wear black potato sacks.

– Instead of filling our eating holes with egg nog and Honey Baked Ham, we’re going to slowly sip on virgin blood in between licking a plate covered with Jennifer Aniston’s dried tears.

– Instead of decorating the Christmas tree, we’re all going to smoke pine tree needles out of a bong. (Note: I’m okay with this.)

– Instead of giving our children half an Ambien, so they’ll be passed out when Santa comes to visit, we’re going to put them in front of the fireplace for Angie to take after she slithers down the chimney.

Poor, Jesus. Now he’ll be the one blowing out a half-melted candle on a pile of leftover holiday cookies while everyone is celebrating Brangelina’s wedding day. Merry Brangiemas, I guess.

Brangelina’s Child Army Terrorizes A Missouri Pizza Place

No visit to Springfield, Missouri is complete for Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie until their child army has smeared tomato sauce and melted cheese all over the walls of Arris’ Pizza. UsWeekly says that every time Brangelina visits Brad’s family in Springfield, they pay a visit to Arris’ and let their ten thousand kids go wild on the place. I get a panic attack if I even drive by a Chuck E. Cheese (aka hyper brat central), so this story is making me wish Coffee-mate came in Xanax flavor.

Some source tells UsWeekly that Brad and Angie rent out the entire place and leave their team of nannies at home, so Maddox, Zahara, the Chosen Ones, Shiloh and Pax can really turn into a hyperactive, Dr. Pepper-fueled tornado of destruction. The source put it like this:

“The place shuts down for the entire night and the kids raise a ruckus. They jump on tables and even throw food at each other! Brad and Angelina just sit there and talk to one another while the children run around in circles!”

That’s some Lord of the Flies shit. More like Lord of the Pizza Pies.

The Brangelina Child Army probably starts their battle by “juicing up” on soda. Then Maddox screams while smearing pizza blood (aka tomato sauce) on his face, Pax throws pepperoni discs across the room and the Chosen Ones shoot meatballs from sling shots made of metal forks and rubber bands. Zahara is more stealth. Zahara sneaks up on Shiloh and stabs her with a breadstick. They keep doing that until the staff crawls out of the kitchen holding white surrender flags made of paper napkins.

Meanwhile, Brad rambles about his overpriced furniture collection and Angie deals with the annoying noise by swallowing another bottle of red wine. The annoying noise being Brad Pitt going on and on about furniture, not the wild screeches from the child as they destroy a pizza place.

Swingers

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.

He Put A Ring On It

Jennifer Aniston can finally take “Single Ladies” off of her ipod shuffle and stop doing jazz hands to it for good, because People says that as of his birthday last Friday, Justin Theroux made it official and took her ass off the market. Yes, he proposed to her on HIS birthday! Unlike the two cheap ass tricks who saw an engagement ring/birthday present combo as a brilliant move, and popped the question on MY birthday. “You can have a present if you just promise your life awaaaaay!” And yes, of course my greedy ass accepted. There were diamonds at stake people!

Soon, the internetz will be flooded with lots of MILLIONS OF CATS ARE CRYING jokes, Beanie Baby orphan jokes, FAKE!! FAME WHORE!! denials and the piercing shreik of a million Brangie fans screaming NOOO YOU ARE A BARREN UNLOVABLE EXCEPT BY EQUALLY BARREN BITCHES BITCH!!!1one!1! in unison. Those explosions you hear right now aren’t fireworks from Jen’s chocha. No, it’s a combination of Jen superfans superjizzing in their pants, Jen haters’ heads exploding like a scene from Mars Attacks and everyone elses’ minds being blown by the investment so many people seem to have in the whole mess. Sort of a free symphony. The forecast calls for 100% chance of flying stranger bodily fluids, so either park your ass inside or if you really must venture out I suggest a raincoat, umbrella and rubber boots. Oh and lots of Purell.

Anygetitgirl, if the infallible source People says it, it must be true!! Personally, I am happy for her ass. I’m not a mega fan, but she seems nice and harmless, so I have no shade to throw this time. Don’t freak out,that’s right, I said I have no shade. It’s okay. She got screwed long and hard and not in a good way (is that even possible?? moving on) when her last marriage dissolved and now she can stop being the brunt of countless spinster jokes and continue fucking on her now fiance Justin. Piece, at last. Peace, piece, whatever. Both are fucking fantastic if you haven’t had it in awhile.

Slap Me If You’ve Heard This Before, Brangie Is Getting Married This Weekend

Lainey at Lainey Gossip said yesterday that some of the French tabloids were saying that there’s some party planning activity shit going down at Brad Pitt and Angie Jo’s child army compound in France and they believe that on either August 11th or August 12th, Jesus will fall from the heavens to catch Angie’s black garter as she kicks it off her fame whoring leg during her wedding  reception. And now The Sun is co-signing the French tabloids’ claims by saying that Brad Pitt flew in a few days ago and that Angie’s private jeweler is there right now.

Brad is apparently throwing his parents, Jane and Bill Pitt, a party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their God-approving heterosexual marriage, but some say that he and Angie are going to hijack that shit and make it ALL ABOUT THEM by getting married. One of The Sun’s source says that right now, the party’s guest list is really small and they speculate that Brad invited George Clooney. The source went on to say this mess of words:

“George and Brad are best pals, there’s no way he’d miss it. He’s at his house in Italy, but could fly to Marseille in an hour. There’s a real buzz around the estate.”

The source needs to educate themselves, because there’s always a “buzz” around that estate since Brad and Angie are always buzzing it from being drunk and stoned all the time. You know, if Brad and Angie officially lie to the gays and lezzies by getting married on Saturday or Sunday night, we’ll only know for sure when the clouds open up, the sky goes bright and the sun comes out so that God can clearly see the look on their faces when he slaps the shit out of both of them for interrupting the Olympics.