Now, I try to avoid sporting events starring children at all costs, because it brings together three things I don’t want to be around: sports, competing children, and batshit insane overbearing parents. But this story has made me change my mind, because I didn’t know until this video came along that my new favorite pastime is watching moronic parents teach their children that the way to handle something that doesn’t go their way is to throw punches. And this children’s baseball brawl featured a pregnant woman wielding a baseball bat. Welcome to Lakewood Youth Baseball League’s half-time show: Jerry Springer Live!
I honestly did not expect to see two famous balls of crazy get into a dramatic fight outside of a hotel in Las Vegas today, but here we are. Last night around 5pm, Nicolas Cage, the human equivalent of a dental surgery morphine trip, and Vince Neil, lead singer of Mötley Crüe man who I’m 90% sure is the gopher from Caddyshack’s long-lost daddy, got into a brawl outside of the Aria Hotel in Las Vegas.
According to TMZ, the fight started inside the Aria after a woman came up to Nicolas and Vince and asked Nicolas for an autograph. Sources claim that Vince, apropos of nothing, came up behind the woman, allegedly yanked her hair and pulled her to the ground. Nicolas Cage clearly has a little H.I. McDunnough nerve still in him, because he responded by beating on Vince. Nic eventually took their fight outside in an attempt to get Vince into a car. The latter half of their fight was caught on video.
TMZ says that Vince was sited for battery, but didn’t take a trip to the police station. He’s currently the subject of a criminal investigation. Vince Neil probably already knows the drill, since this isn’t his first time getting in trouble for acting like a violent mess in Las Vegas.
But back to that video. For those of you wondering what kind of drugs Nicolas Cage is on that would cause him to go from full-blown screaming-in-a-parking-lot fight mode to holding his enemy close and whispering sweet nonsense in his ear, the answer is: I don’t think he’s on drugs. I’m pretty sure that’s just Nicolas Cage’s normal level of insanity.
Usually Spirit Airlines is the one (figuratively) punching passengers in the face by charging us for every damn little thing from choosing a seat that doesn’t make us feel like a sardine to printing out our boarding pass at home. (Soon they’ll be charging us $10 to piss and $30 to lay down a shit.) But on a flight from Baltimore to Los Angeles yesterday morning, a few passengers were the ones doing the punching.
2014 just keeps farting up the surprises up until the last hours of its life. Who knew that Jamie Lynn Spears would quickly become my new favorite Spears? (FYI: Bit Bit Spears used to be my favorite Spears.)
TMZ says that last weekend the Queen of the Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, and a girlfriend went to a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana for some late-night eats. Up until I read this story, I had no idea what a Pita Pit was. It sounds like the nickname for a medical condition you get when you don’t bathe and your armpit sweat turns into cream. But Pita Pit is like the Subway of pitas.
Jamie Lynn just wanted to enjoy her pita, but her time with her pita was cut short when another girl allegedly attacked her friend for whatever reason. The police tell TMZ that the fight got extra messy when the girl hit Jamie Lynn’s friend with a bottle. Little ole’ Jamie Lynn didn’t waste any time and knew that you should always bring a knife to a pita fight. So she grabbed her fallen friend, dragged the girl behind the counter, found a bread knife and started waving it around. It was like a scene out of a hillbilly Kill Bill. Everyone quickly realized that you should never ever get between a Spears and her eats, so they turned off the fuckery and the fight was over.
The police showed up, but no one was put into handcuffs, because Jamie Lynn’s friend didn’t want to press charges.
That is the sign of a true friend who is always down for you. The next time you meet a trick whom you think could be a possible friend, ask them just one very important question: “If a fight breaks out at the Pita Pit and some piece of trash knocks me in the head with a bottle, will you drag me to safety, get a hold of a long knife and threaten to slice those hos like a toasted pita if they don’t stop?” That’s the only question you need to ask.
The only thing this story is missing is VIDEO! I am highly disappointed with everybody who was at the Pita Pita that night. Not one of them pulled out their cell phone and recorded that mess of a fight in portrait mode while screaming “WORLDSTAR!” For shame.
And here’s a picture that Jamie Lynn Instagrammed hours before the Battle at Pita Pit of 2014:
Behind that sweet face is a true Pita Pit Warrior!
That headline alone should make you want to drive yourself to the ER to be treated for an overdose of class.
Several Alaskan blogs claim that the First Family of Alaskan Messiness were the stars of a drunken 20-person Saturday night brawl which ended with a shirtless Track Palin flipping people off in the street while Todd Palin held his bloody nose. Since you can see Alaska from Russia, I pray one of those Russian dash cams recorded this glorious display of pure Palin classiness.
Amanda Coyne (via Mediate) says that it all started when the Palins showed up in a stretch Hummer to an Iron Dog snowmobile party at a house in Anchorage. As soon as Track Palin got out of the Hummer, he spotted an ex-boyfriend of Willow Palin and he turned on the crazy all the way. Apparently, Track doesn’t like the dude and the two verbally fought for a bit. Their argument led to the owner of the house, 2010 Iron Dog winner Chris Olds, getting involved and that’s when shit really got real Wasilla-style.
Here are two facts you’ll probably be surprised to learn:
1. On this planet, a Trace Adkins impersonator exists.
2. There was a country cruise to Jamaica and only ONE brawl happened on it. When you put a bunch of country fans on a boat full of booze, I expect it to be Halloween night at a Denny’s in Oakland every night.
TMZ says that Trace Adkins, who’s been sober for 12 years, was the headliner of a country cruise to Jamaica and on Monday he jumped off the wagon and put his fist in his impersonator’s face. A Trace Adkins impersonator was singing karaoke (please tell me he was singing a Trace Adkins song) in one of the bars on the ship when, for whatever reason, the real Trace Adkins attacked him. I was going to pray for video of real Trace and fake Trace fighting, but nothing will beat the image in my head. It’s like an extra large cup of 100 proof HAHAHAs. And naturally, when the ship got to Jamaica, Trace jumped off and checked his ass into rehab. I’m pretty sure the real Trace checked into rehab and not the fake Trace. But if it was the fake Trace, then all the other fake Traces out there better beware, because the real Trace is coming for them.
Trace’s rep spit out this statement to People:
“Trace has entered a treatment facility after a setback in his battle with alcoholism.As he faces these issues head-on, we ask that his family’s privacy will be respected.”
Well, the good news is that Trace doesn’t have to strain his brain while writing a messy country song about how he drunkenly beat himself up on a cruise ship to Jamaica, because that shit writes itself.