October 13, 2012 / Posted by:

Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.

There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.

There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.

Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:

“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”

Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.

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