Berlin Must Have Some Good Weed

The Brangelina European Promo Tour (featuring that World War Z movie) stopped in Berlin today and lord if you put your mouth to your screen and inhale real deep, you’ll get a quick high. I mean, Brad Pitt forgot that sunglasses go over your eyes, not your mouth. Silly ho! Or maybe he’s got the muchies so bad that those sunglasses started to look delicious to him. Brad isn’t the only one who looks like he’s riding high on a green cloud of goodness. St. Angie Jolie must’ve gotten contact high, because I haven’t seen her cackle like that in public for a long time. She’s probably laughing, because she suddenly realized that she looks like an ultra thin maxi pad with flexi-wings.

And I don’t think Brad Pitt has changed his pants in the past few days. But I won’t hate on him for that, because changing clothes while baaaaaked is hard.

Here’s a few more pictures of St. Angie and Brad Pitt making Stoner Guy Meme faces in Berlin tonight and also some pictures of them leaving a sushi restaurant called Kuchi with the child army. Yes, Berlin is home to some good shit (see: Brad Pitt’s faces) and it’s also home to a sushi restaurant called KUCHI. I love Berlin and I’ve never even been there.

When St. Angie Appears, The Brangeloonies Have A Meltdown

At tonight’s London premiere of World War Z (aka the movie that was supposed to come out approximately 45 years ago), St. Angie Jolie made her first red carpet appearance since announcing in an op-ed piece for The New York Times that she underwent a double mastectomy. The Brangeloonies came out hard and some of them held up signs that read, “You Are Our Hero!” A group of stoned beach hobos also held up signs for Brad Pitt that read, “You Are Our Hero,” because if Brad, who looks like he’s been marinating in a dumpster for 4 days, can make millions of dollars per movie, maybe they can too one day. But back to the Brangeloonies….

Here’s my favorite picture from tonight’s premiere:

Never mind that I want to eat lo mein with St. Angie’s arms, her fan is letting out that raw emotion and crying the same way my abuelita cried when she touched the analog TV screen while watching Pope John Paul’s inauguration. Jesus is somewhere in heaven feeling inadequate, because even his disciples didn’t have this reaction when he rose on Easter.

And it’s time for Angie to sneak up behind Brad with a Flowbee in her hands, because his hair has gone full Aniston.

Brangie Did Not Get Married

Surprisingly enough, all the Supreme Court Justices didn’t stop the Prop 8 hearings yesterday to announce that after much consideration, they’ve decided to overturn Prop 8 and also make marriage legal for everyone everywhere, because when it came down to it they realized that they really, really just want to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married. But that didn’t happen, so Brad and St. Angie are still the opposite of married.

St. Angie graced the Congo with her holy presence a few days ago and when she got there, she wasn’t wearing the huge 5,000-carat diamond engagement ring that is so damn expensive she could probably buy the entire Congo with it. Instead, St. Angie wore a demure gold wedding band, which made some hos start screaming about how she must’ve gotten secret married to Brad Pitt. But no, she didn’t. St. Angie left her Fortress of Solitude-sized ring at home, because wearing a diamond ring that big in the Congo is wrong for many reasons and because wearing a wedding band will get her a tabloid cover or two.

While serving up some “2008 Michael Jackson meets business woman Morticia Addams” realness, Angie strolled through LAX yesterday and a mere mortal from TMZ dared asked the human halo of infinite light if she got married. She spat out a “no.” Then when he turned off the camera, she turned around, wrapped her zombie witch hands around his neck and swallowed his soul until all that was left of him was a pile of bone dust. That settles that!

Brangelina’s Pink Holy Water Sells Out

It took all the members of Brangie child army nearly 5 months to harvest enough virgin blood and collect enough of Jennifer Aniston’s tears to make 6,000 bottles of the Brangelina pank wine and it took only 5 hours for that crap to sell out.

Brad Pitt and Angie Jolie’s Miraval Rose, made from grapes from the vineyard on their estate in France, went on sale online yesterday morning and by the afternoon, it was all gone. A rep for the Perrin family, the winemakers who actually made the wine, told People that all six-bottle cases (which went for $139 a case) are gone. But if you didn’t get to buy a case, don’t worry, you’ll still get a chance to taste Brangelina’s pank wine (which probably tastes like James Haven’s saliva and goat sweat), because it goes on sale to restaurants and wholesalers later this month.

You’re probably assuming that the Brangeloonies bought up every last case, because they figured that Brad Pitt made a regular habit out of stumbling into the vineyard to take a piss on the grapes after getting really, really stoned. (Side note: the label on the Brangelina wine should also read, “infused with Pitt piss.“) But I don’t think the Brangeloonies bought up all the bottles. I mean, the wine went on sale online at 9am and was sold out by 2pm. The computer lab in every Brangelooney ward at every mental hospital doesn’t open until 3pm, so it couldn’t have been them. It was obviously Jennifer Aniston. She’s going to use the Brangelina wine to fill the Porta Potties at her wedding.

Soon You’ll Be Able To Cleanse Your Insides With Brangelina’s Holy Rosé

Churches everywhere are pouring their jugs of communion wine into the sink, because a new wine is coming out that is more holier and purer than any other wine and sipping on it will make you feel like you’re sucking blood directly from Jesus’ vein. Since Angelina Jolie supposedly drinks a bottle of wine every night to drown out the screeching sounds of the child army, she and Brad Pitt figured that they might as well cut out the middle bitch and make their own wine. The British wine magazine Decanter (via L.A. Times) says that Brad and Angie have joined wine making forces with the Perrins of Beaucastel to produce their own brand of rosé. The name “Bitch” was already taken, so they’re calling their label “Miraval Provence” instead.

The wine will be produced at Brangie’s fancy French estate called Château Miraval, which has a vineyard on it. The Perrin family (no relation to God Warrior, I think) will be responsible for making and selling the wine. Chateau Miraval used to produce a pink wine called Pink Floyd, which was named after the band, because they recorded The Wall in a studio on the property. Marc Perrin tells Decanter that the Miraval rosé will be out next month and they have plans to release a white wine in the summer and a red wine sometime next year. Marc says that Brangie is all about it.

“They (the Jolie-Pitts) want to ensure they are making the best Provence wines they can. They were present at the blending sessions this year, and are relooking at everything from the installations in the winery – where we have already switched to stainless steel tanks – to reworking the labels across the range of wines.”

A wine critic has already tasted the Miraval rosé and says that “this deliciously bitter wine offers subtle barrel nuances, with hints of hash, baby saliva and the tears of a scorned woman . Along with this is a strange flavors that sort of tastes like the pristine blood of a virgin or like an angel’s first period. And maybe it was just the bottle I drank from, but my glass had bits of Cabbage Patch Kid stuffing floating in it for some reason.“

And yes, Miraval rosé is best served uncool.

Lunch At McDonald’s Is On Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Today, Because She’s RICH!

Above is a picture of future Oscar winner Vivienne Jolie-Pitt sitting, holding a blanket, looking to the side and breathing, and she’s probably doing more work there than she did on the job that put at least $3,000 into her coin purse. Vivienne Jolie-Pitt beat out THOUSANDS of baby actresses no one when she won a role as the young Elle Fanning in Angie Jolie’s movie Maleficent. Vivienne landed the role when the casting director looked at her resume and the only thing on it was: “Accomplishments – Coming out of Angelina Jolie’s vagina. You know, the woman who is solely responsible for you getting a fucking pay check every week. Cast me, bitch.”

TMZ says that after Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got the role, her entertainment attorney Maddox managed to negotiate an extreme lucrative deal (she got paid scale) worth $3,000 a week (scale) AND he got her a $60 a day per diem (that’s standard.) Since Vivienne Jolie-Pitt already lives in an ivory tower and feeds on the breath of angels, she donated all of her per diem money to The People Who Aren’t A Jolie-Pitt Foundation.

So let’s see, 4-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got paid thousands of dollars and all she had to do was sit, look at things, try not to poop or drool on her costume and she probably cooed out a couple of lines. That’s pretty much what Lindsay Lohan did in Liz & Dick and I’m sure she got paid less than $3,000 a week! I say “pretty much,” because I’m sure LiLo shit in her costume at least once a week.