Category: Billionaire Shit
Jeff Bezos Has Pledged $1 Billion Toward Environmental Conservation
Look! Up in the sky! Is that a giant dildo? Yes, it’s Jeff Bezos coming back to earth to save the planet! According to People, Jeff has decided that enough’s enough and is pledging to donate a small fraction of his fortune to tackle climate change in hopes we’ll just ignore the fact that he’s trying to resurrect the company towns of the previous century. Jeff recently announced that he has pledged $1 billion (he’s reportedly worth $194.5 billion) from The Bezos Earth Fund “in donations beginning now through the year 2030.” To put that into perspective, his ex-wife MacKenzie Scott has already parted with $8.5 billion of her personal $59 billion fortune in the past year alone. But then again, she can afford it. She’s not dating Lauren Sanchez, The Most Glamorous Woman in the World. The Universe in fact. Jeff went up there himself and checked!
Forbes Says Rihanna Is Officially A Billionaire
We can now add Rihanna’s name right there next to Mackenzie Scott’s on the top of the very short list of Billionaires to Spare when the revolution comes. Forbes has gone through an entire box of #10 security envelopes scribbling out their dubious math equations and decided that Robyn Fenty is officially a billionaire. Forbes estimates Rihanna is worth about $1.7 billion dollars, that’s approximately 2.5 Kanyes at today’s current exchange rate. You can argue with the math, but you can’t argue with the facts. Rihanna is priceless, so it stands to reason that by comparison Kanye is, simply put, worth less.
Jeff Bezos Became The Second Billionaire To Launch Into Space
Well, he did it. The goofy little bald man just burned billions of dollars to fly into (almost) space in a cock-shaped rocket and all I got was this $18.99 Blue Origin New Shepard Rocket Blueprint T-Shirt off Amazon which I plan to defile by clumsily adding a pair of balls and some pubic hair with a Sharpie. And that $18.99 goes right into Jeff Bezos’ pocket so really, who is the asshole here? According to CNN, Jeff and his Blue Origin crew, which included his brother Mark Bezos and Oliver Daemen, a Dutch teen whose hedge fund daddy paid an undisclosed amount for his seat (the person who originally won the auction had paid $28 million before dropping out due to scheduling issues), flew 60 miles from the earth for about 10 minutes. They even let a girl go with them! Their pilot, 82-year-old Wally Fink, became the oldest woman to launch into space. Upon touching back down to earth, Jeff said it was the “best day ever,” possibly because for the first time in his life people had to use a telescope instead of a microscope to see his dick pics.
Richard Branson Will Beat Jeff Bezos As The First Billionaire In Space
The desperate space race between Jeff Bezos and Sir Richard Branson appears to have reached its denouement. And it looks like Jeff Bezos won’t be the one to turn on his Amazon-brand helmet mic and utter, “That’s one small step for billionaire men, one giant leap for billionairekind.” Between Jeff, Richard, and space-obsessed weirdo Elon Musk, it was inevitable that one of them would open their wallet faster than the others, dump a ton of cash into their respective intergalactic vanity projects, and be the first billionaire in space. After a bunch of back and forth, the bragging rights are probably going to go to Richard Branson.
Richard Branson Is Trying To Beat Jeff Bezos Into Space
Uh oh, we’ve got a billionaire space fight happening, and it’s anyone’s guess who will blast into space first. Sir Richard Branson has been talking about making space his final frontier for the longest time, with a little help from his Virgin Galactic space travel company. But then Elon Musk came along with an even bigger personal budget and a hyper-focused obsession with breaking through the Earth’s atmosphere, and it really did look like Elon was going to be the first billionaire in space. But just two days ago, Jeff Bezos announced he would be living out a childhood dream with his little brother Mark Bezos at the end of July, by going to space in a ship called the New Shepard, made by his space company, Blue Origin. Jeff’s ego was probably throbbing at the thought of winning the billionaire space race, but there’s a chance he might not actually get to space first. Richard Branson is now planning to get in the sky a few weeks sooner than Jeff Bezos.
Jeff Bezos Is Going To Space
Some kids play house, others – like yours truly – passed the hours in a pretend bar they made out of pillows and coasters stolen from a local peanut shells-on-the-floor dining establishment. And of course, lots of kids pretended to go to space. But not every kid grows up to be an astronaut, that is unless you grow up to be one of the World’s most grotesquely wealthy humans, in which case, you can do anything you damn well please. And that’s exactly what Jeff Bezos plans to do! He’ll be flying into space with the crew of his own space exploration company, Blue Origin.