Don’t let that picture above fool you. It might look like Captain Kirk was sedated by an evil space robot known only as BEZOS, and is about to be blasted into the universe so that BEZOS can woo Lt. Uhura away with the promise of glamour, luxury, and a comped Prime membership. But it’s just actor William Shatner preparing for his flight into almost-space on Amazon’s Blue Origin spacecraft. William Shatner made the journey this morning, and spoiler alert, he didn’t become the real-life version of his infamous spoken word cover of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Everyone can relax and breathe easy, Spaceman Shatner is back on Earth safe and sound.
Some kids play house, others – like yours truly – passed the hours in a pretend bar they made out of pillows and coasters stolen from a local peanut shells-on-the-floor dining establishment. And of course, lots of kids pretended to go to space. But not every kid grows up to be an astronaut, that is unless you grow up to be one of the World’s most grotesquely wealthy humans, in which case, you can do anything you damn well please. And that’s exactly what Jeff Bezos plans to do! He’ll be flying into space with the crew of his own space exploration company, Blue Origin.
Grimes has been busy on earth preparing herself for her new home on Mars. While I hope that includes making sure the canned goods and freeze-dried foods they’ll need to bring for her family’s Maritain pantry are in order (lord knows her partner Elon Musk can’t be bothered with such petty biological imperatives), she also spent some time preparing her body for entry. Perhaps in a misguided attempt to blend in with the native population on Mars, Grimes got a full back tattoo of “alien scars,” all done in white ink. I can’t help but feel sorry for her because she’s gonna feel hella stupid when she gets up there and Mars is crawling with a bunch of basic bitches who worship the Starbucks mermaid as their God and excrete acid from their pores if they don’t get their daily Pumpkin Spice.
Elon Musk’s plans to colonize Mars are well underway and he’s flexing those colonial muscles right here on earth by letting infant X Æ A-Xii lay his little alien eggs all over the unincorporated town of Boca Chica Village, Texas where SpaceX is headquartered and which Elon is planning to build up and rename Starbase, Texas. I know what you’re asking, what do X Æ A-Xii eggs look like? Surprisingly, just like regular old human baby shit. Kanye West, eat your heart out! That Wyoming urine garden is looking mighty pedestrian right about now.
Terrence Howard Explained His Decision To Quit Acting And Said He’s Doing It To Build Saturn Without Gravity
Terrence Howard already claimed earlier this month that he’s done with acting and is going to focus on bringing truths to the world. Those truths have nothing to do with pro-baby wipes activist Terry further spreading the importance of clean assholes via baby wipes. Instead, Terry is flirting hard with Scientologists and also making others put tin hats on their heads while saying to him, “What you’re saying is totally normal and possible.” Because Terrence told KTLA at the Emmys on Sunday that he’s leaving acting so he can “build the planet Saturn without gravity and build the Milky Way without gravity.” Even Jaden Smith is like, “Dude, put down the bong.”
Netflix is out to ruin your childhood while simultaneously damaging future adults by trying to scare the bejeebus out of them as children with their super serious remake of Lost In Space. It’s a Netflix Original Series that looks like an expensive feature film and it also looks absolutely terrifying. While the general plot may be the same, Netflix has ditched the camp and embraced the FX for LIS 2018.