Category: Billionaire Shit
Twitter Is Likely To Accept Elon Musk’s $43 Billion Offer To Buy The Company As Soon As Today (UPDATE: The Deal Is Done)
UPDATE: It’s official. The Twitter board has accepted Elon’s offer and Twitter is going to become a private company. All the details are here.
Bret Taylor, Twitter’s Independent Board Chair, said, “The Twitter Board conducted a thoughtful and comprehensive process to assess Elon’s proposal with a deliberate focus on value, certainty, and financing. The proposed transaction will deliver a substantial cash premium, and we believe it is the best path forward for Twitter’s stockholders.”
Parag Agrawal, Twitter’s CEO, said, “Twitter has a purpose and relevance that impacts the entire world. Deeply proud of our teams and inspired by the work that has never been more important.”
Here’s the original post:
Bro may at times live below the poverty line, but Elon Musk was able to move some money around and come up with $43 billion to buy Twitter. Maybe he took out a second mortgage on his couch, cashed out an IRA, and recommitted himself to eating nothing but peanut butter and Top Ramen for the next few years, but he’s done it. And according to Reuters, Elon’s “best and final” $43 billion offer is probably going to get the job done. Despite trying to hinder the deal with a so-called “poison pill,” Twitter “is poised to agree” to the sale which could be announced as soon as today. It’s a shame that Elon’s 7th child’s college fund is toast, but at least Exa Dark Sideræl Musk gets to play with Twitter’s ban button. Babies love buttons!
Twitter Shareholders Are Suing Elon Musk For Failing To Disclose His Share Purchases On Time
We recently learned that Elon Musk has amassed an over 9% stake in Twitter, making him the company’s largest single shareholder. A move he probably celebrated the cowboy way, by shooting his guns in the air and shouting “YÆÆ HÆ!” Problem is, in doing so, he might have inadvertently shot himself in the foot. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Elon is being sued in a class-action lawsuit filed by Twitter shareholders who accuse him of being late to notify financial regulators that he’d been busy gobbling up shares of the company, costing investors “significant profits when Twitter shares skyrocketed in light of the news.” Hope he was wearing boots or else the next new product from Tesla will be robot replacement toes. Because the last thing we need is for Elon to turn into the Six Million Dogecoin Man!
Elon Musk Threw Himself A Cyber Rodeo To Celebrate Tesla’s Austin Factory Grand Opening
Whatever happened to cool billionaires? I know Bruce Wayne didn’t watch his parents get murdered 5 or 6 times just to have Elon Musk out here making an absolute mockery of unchecked wealth and power. A billionaire simply does not walk on stage surrounded by laser beams wearing a cowboy hat and belt buckle unless he is an oil magnate over the age of 60 with an expressive mustache and the steely gaze of a man who has had somebody murdered with a drone. Yet, according to UPROXX, at an event called Cyber Rodeo, held at the Tesla Gigafactory in Austin last night, Elon did just that, having possibly only met one of those conditions. I’m sorry, did I say walked on stage? Elon drove a Tesla on stage, got out, and self-consciously touched his butt as if the excitement of the cheering crowd scared out a little fart he didn’t quite trust. For the love of Rihanna, is this what it’s come to? Dick-shaped rockets and Dogecoin drone shows? Why, in my day, billionaires wore tuxedos and spats to shit on the poors. Now they’re shitting themselves while committing economic genocide! And don’t get me started on the whole dandruff situation…
Jeff Bezos And Lauren Sanchez Partied In St. Barts Over New Year’s
I thought I was balling on New Year’s Eve because I popped a pretty nice bottle of cava someone had left at my house over the summer while wearing my good house pants, but leave it to Zaddy Warbucks to remind us all just how poor and ugly we really are. Billionaire Playboy Jeff Bezos and his Billionaire’s Playboy Bunny Lauren Sanchez just had to go and prove that while money may buy you happiness, it can’t buy you class. You have to be born with it otherwise you run the risk of looking like Pitbull’s colorblind cousin twice removed and an anatomically confusing aftermarket Janice the Muppet. Thankfully, Jeff and Lauren have class to spare so they both just looked incredibly cool and wealthy on their New Year’s yacht excursion in St. Barts that they each posted on Instagram. Don’t believe me? Then explain why Lauren followed that post up with a post wishing The Bezos Earth Fund a “year of major choices in preventing climate change and protecting nature,” totally countering any environmental damage their excursion caused. So, you know what, you caught me. I guess you can buy class too. Environmental funds are fucking expensive!
Billionaire Heiress Ivy Love Getty Got Married In An Over-The-Top Wedding Officiated By Nancy Pelosi
Now for a reminder that you’re poor as shit. Introducing Ivy Love Getty, the great-granddaughter of oil tycoon J. Paul Getty. J. Paul was the billionaire who refused to pay his grandson’s kidnapping ransom in 1973. He was initially played by Kevin Spacey in All the Money in the World, and then replaced by Christopher Plummer. Donald Sutherland also played him in the FX series Trust. The Getty family is also known for Getty Images, the Getty Research Institute, their museum, and Sienna Miller’s ex Balthazar Getty, who is a cousin (I think) of Ivy’s. Anywho, 26-year-old “model/artist” Ivy is very rich, bitch, and over the weekend she got married to photographer Tobias Alexander Engel in San Francisco. Nancy Pelosi officiated, and, like Lena Dunham before her, the nuptials were featured in Vogue.
Prince William Calls Out All The Billionaires Who Are Racing Into Space
Lately, it seems like the only thing billionaires like to do more than hoard wealth is to blast themselves into the outermost layer of our Earth’s atmosphere. So far, billionaires Sir Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos have made it into space. Elon Musk is plotting to relocate to Mars. Mark Zuckerberg probably wishes he could have disappeared into a black hole after Facebook went offline last week. Well, not everyone thinks it’s cute that all those rich people are dropping tons of cash to play space explorer and leave the planet we’re currently on in the name of possible future colonization for the human race. Prince William thinks that anyone with a brain in their head and lots of money in the bank should be putting both to work back here on Earth to solve our climate problems.