David Blaine Successfully Completed His Balloon Stunt

September 2, 2020 / Posted by:

Wow, that son of a bitch did it! He really did it! David Blaine grabbed onto 52 big-ass balloons and floated way up into the sky, where he was immediately pecked to death by eagles, then decapitated by a helicopter’s whirly blades, after which his headless corpse fell directly into an open volcano. RIP Magic Man. End of Post. OK, OK, it wasn’t that dramatic. David lived. He went up, floated around a bit, then parachuted back down safely. Success! Magic! Balloons! And I’m sure a future lawsuit from Balloon Boy’s dad

The entire Ascension stunt was live-streamed on YouTube. Here’s the video, which is roughly three hours long:

Originally David was supposed to float over New York City’s Hudson River, but thanks to shitty weather, Blaine & Co. relocated to the Arizona desert, which is far less pointy, although it does have more vultures. Pros and cons.

This was David’s first live stunt in ten years. He underwent a bunch of skydiving and special breathing training to prepare for this feat. He had his parachute on standby in case anything went wrong, and a team of people tracking his vitals in a nearby helicopter.*Cough* CHEATING *Cough*

David handed his daughter Dessa a wrapped gift (an updated version of his will), before launching into the heavens. On the way up, David dropped weights and various parts of his balloons to make him float higher. Once he hit 24,000 feet (big whoop, planes go up to 38,000), he slowly let go of the balloons, one by one, and lowered to the ground. He missed his target landing spot, but not by much. The entire stunt lasted about an hour.

Impressive? Sure. But you know David’s totally pissed that the 3-year-old in Taiwan beat him to it earlier this week (don’t worry, the kid was fine):

Kites are the new balloons, non? Faaar more exciting and death-defying. Birth of the next Houdini!

Pic: YouTube

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