Category: Balloon Boy

The Wizard Sweat Was Spewing At Last Night’s Harry Potter Premiere

July 12, 2011 / Posted by:

If you walked by the front of Avery Fisher Hall in NYC last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fangirls were licking the red carpet and scooting their Muggle ‘ginas like proud graduates of Toby’s School of New Tricks, it’s because Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint nearly melted their nipples off and drops of their DNA splattered all over the place.

NYC is currently trapped in one of Lucifer’s wet butt bubbles and the Harry Potter boys were forced to cover most of their body pores in suits from Friar Tux black label collection, so they were pretty much trying to learn how to pant from all of their exposed orifices. But not Emma Watson! Even though Emma looked like a rabid raccoon trying to scurry out of a burlap sack stuck to some opera curtains, she could raise her hand and be sure! And not only was Emma one of the only ones whose body didn’t feel like a dirty armpit pad at the end of the night, but she’s also been drunk before! FYI:

Here’s more from last night’s premiere. In order: All those HP chirruns, Alan Rickman, Ugly Betty, SJP with a tiny gondolier, Seth Green with his wife, Mister Jay (wearing the carcass of a spirit animal), Joey Fat One with his family and Matthew Broderick.

DanRad Is Off The Sweet Nectar

July 4, 2011 / Posted by:

You can wipe away your wet dream wish of boozing up Daniel Radcliffe and getting him to alohomora your fuck part before busting a lightning bolt sperm scar on your forehead, because it’s not going to happen anytime soon. DanRad has kissed the booze bottle goodbye for now, because he says it was getting to the point where he was relying on the sweet nectar to give him a good time. And I have a feeling that Harry Potter realized that he should go back to sipping on tap water when he woke up on the dungeon floor with Griphook’s ear in his Potter hole and Dobby’s hung nose in his mouth. That’ll do it!

DanRad tells GQ (via The Telegraph) about his vow to not become a Lohan:

“I became so reliant on [alcohol] to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamored with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.

I’m actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I’m really pleasant and I’m not fucking up totally all the time.

As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me. I do that very unsuccessfully. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that’s been the realization of the past few years for me.”

What DanRad lacks in leg bone length, he makes up for in maturity. I’m with him on all points. Once you’ve clogged the toilet at some party with your drunk barfs and retainer (true story), you’ve clogged them all. There comes a time in every drunk’s life when you realize that working the booze bottle fantastic with your mouth at bars is just a fucking bore. I learned that a long ass time ago and glad to hear that DanRad is with me on that. Just like him, I’d just rather sit at home (with a full whiskey bottle and a fuller joint) and read (the keywords on my favorite porn website to make sure the clip I’m about to watch hits all points), or talk to somebody that makes me laugh (my dog).

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This Is What Frances McDormand Wore To The Tonys

June 13, 2011 / Posted by:

Just when I was about to declare Christie Brinkley my personal goddess of the Tony Awards for showing up looking and posing like a Drop Dead Gorgeous extra, Frances McDormand took to the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a Play while wearing an ensemble that is slightly dressier than the ripped sweat shorts I’m wearing right now.

If you needed fucks to get into the Tonys last night, I’m not sure Frances would’ve gotten in, because she obviously didn’t have any to give. Frances also saved reporters from asking her the stupid question “Who are you wearing?“, because the red tag on her jean jacket already gave up that information. The look of the night. This is what your high school poli sci teacher would look like if you ran into her at the car wash on the weekend. Hair that couldn’t even pick out a hairbrush from a line-up of hairbrushes.

And if wearing your mom’s favorite beach outfit to a fancy awards show wasn’t enough for me to fall in love with Frances all over again, she busted out her best mug shot poses backstage. If there isn’t such thing as a “Best Dressed of the Tonys” list, then there needs to be so Frances can sit on top of that shit where she belongs.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s Book of Mormon Appreciation Ceremony. In order: my new style icon, DanRad, Professor Whoopi McGonagall, Judith Light, Christie Brinkley, PATSY STONE!!!, Alec Baldwin with guest, Tyne Daly with her piece, Al Pacino with guest and Ellen Barkin.

Mah Boo & DanRad Together At Last

January 19, 2011 / Posted by:

Mah Boo Anderson Cooper is going to make his Broadway debut as the pre-recorded voice of the narrator in the musical How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying starring Daniel Radcliffe! And in this clip, DanRad and the director gush about Mah Boo…..while I gush about Mah Boo in a totally different way. You can blame the moving image of Mah Boo talking into a thick silver peen with a NuvaRing over it (at least that’s what I see anyway) for producing that visual.

I’m also announcing that Dlisted will take a slutbbatical at the end of February, because I’ll be too busy humping on the speaker at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in)

Angus Young Has Never Looked Hotter

November 16, 2010 / Posted by:

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir hung up his polar bear stole and his boa made from bedazzled swan feathers for the night to slip into a Hogwarts uniform that puts the HUFF and PUFF in Hufflepuff. Harry Potter’s wand will not stop spitting out the glitter once it gets a piece of this. Pee Weir Herman cast a bretha mortis spell (aka the killing these hos spell) at last night’s NYC premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows, and then he gave them life again by popping a hip to pose. Everyone was slytherin’ in their pants.

And those who had to clean their mess in the bathroom after laying their eyes on Johnny were: Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, DanRad, Matthew Broderick with his son and Voldemort’s mistress, Joey Fatone with his daughter, Precious, Tom Felton, Ralph Fineass, Liam Neeson, The First Drunk of New York, Lourdes Leon and Darren Criss.

DanRad Can’t Wait To Get Him Some Dancer Cooch

October 11, 2010 / Posted by:

Grab your eye lids and pull them down if you want to stop thinking about Harry Potter aparecium-ing all over some chick after rictusempra-ing her chocha with his magic wand. Because guess what, Harry Potter does sex stuff (Chris Hansen is going to ask me to have a seat for that one). So DanRad is coming to Broadway this spring in How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and he’s hoping to succeed in sexy business without really trying. Specifically, sexy business with Broadway dancers. DanRad tells Dazed & Confused (via HuffPo):

“I’ve been in relationships from the age of 14 and now I’m single. I said to a friend the other day, ‘Dude, I’m doing a show with dancers. I’ve got to be single.’ He was like, ‘Don’t sleep with anyone in your own show. That’s a mistake.’ It’s good advice. But I’m not sure I’ll stick to it.”

Who knew that Harry Potter is an aspiring mega slut who hopes to get on more Broadway bagina than a pair of Capezio briefs? More like Whorey Potter.

And Whorey Potter is 21, so it’s legal to think these thoughts about him (I think).

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