And Here’s Jennifer Lawrence’s My Super Sweet 16 Commercial

During Jennifer Lawrence’s acceptance speech for Best Actress at the SAG Awards last night, she thanked MTV for giving her the job that got her a SAG card when she was 14. Entertainment Weekly posted Jennifer Lawrence’s commercials for My Super Sweet 16 and it made me remember the good old days when MTV used to show important documentaries about teenage pieces of diamond-encrusted spoiled trash who threatened to shank their dad in the neck if he didn’t buy them a Hummer or get some local rapper to perform at their 16th birthday party. I sometimes wonder what happened to those spoiled ass brats. MTV should do another follow-up, because I really need to know if the parents eventually went broke from spoiling their asshole child and had to move into the Hummer.

And only press play on that video if you’re okay with that “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday” song getting stuck deep inside a crevice in your brain. Once it gets in, it will never leave you.

Right before Jennifer Lawrence gave a shout out to My Super Sweet 16, she made her way to the stage and wrestled with her dress as the bottom part got mad at the top part and tried to quit that ho:

The Daily Mail says that Jennifer’s dress ripped, but it didn’t rip. The bottom part detached from the top part. The Dior people designed it that way. Because of Jennifer’s detachable dress, she gets best dressed of the night from me. I mean, wearing a detachable dress allows you to do ALL of the following:

1. Easily squat over a toilet in the bathroom. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling your dress up to piss. Just detach, squat and go.

2. Easily have a quickie in the car while driving to the event. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling up your dress to bone. Just detach, open your legs and get it.

3. Easily bust out a dramatic quick change moment while sashaying to the dance floor. Give the party goers some theater by dramatically ripping off the bottom of your dress as you walk to the dance floor. I once went to a wedding where during the first dance, the groom detached the bottom part of his bride’s ball gown to reveal the sequined miniskirt she had on underneath. It was the moment of the wedding and you know I gave it three snaps and a standing ovation.

The detachable dress is a two-in-one work of elegance and it is always the look.

Quvenzhané Wallis Brought Poochie’s Older Cousin To The Producers Guild Awards

The memories of my childhood exploded into a million glittery pieces when I saw these pictures of Quvenzhané Wallis, the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild, carrying a purse that I totally thought was made from the corpse of POOCHIE! Poochie was this really hot and totally gay toy from the 80s and if you still don’t know what I’m talking about, watch this educational video.

I know, Quvenzhané’s purse looks more like Poochie’s older cousin who smokes clove cigarettes and thinks she’s hot high-class shit, because she took French for a semester in high school and once made out with an older exchange student from Belgium. But that purse still reminded me of Poochie, so Quvenzhané deserves ALL the awards for that.

Anyway, the Producers Guild Awards happened in L.A. last night and Argo won Outstanding Producer of a Feature Film, Wreck-It-Ralph won Outstanding Producer of Animated Feature, Homeland won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Drama, Modern Family won Outstanding Producer of Episodic Television Comedy and Searching For Sugar Man won Outstanding Producer of Documentary Feature. The Producers Guild Awards don’t give out awards to actors since it’s only for producers, DUH, but Anne Hathaway still stormed the stage, grabbed a trophy and thanked them for breaking the rules by giving her an award for Outstanding Producer of RAW EMOTION in a feature film.

Here’s some pictures from last night’s PGAs. In order: Quvenzhané with Poochie’s older cousin, Ben Affleck (wearing a special note from Matt Damon on his hand), Jessica Alba, Matt Boner, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Amazon Kidman with Naomi Watts, Julianne Marguiles, Eddie Redmayne, Amanda Seyfried, Julia Stiles (looking like a middle-aged soccer mom going out for a “wild” girls night with the other soccer moms) and Charming Potato.

Jodie Foster Sort Of Comes Out As A Gayelle At The Golden Globes

Jodie Foster has been the FourSquare Mayor of the Glass Closet for what feels like centuries and she’s sort of dropped hints here and there about how she likes to slurp on lady clit, but at the Golden Globes tonight she fully came out as a card-carrying member of Home Depot. I think. Jodie got the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the Golden Globes and during her rambling speech she name dropped Honey Boo Boo, introduced the dude who co-parents her kids, retired from acting and then she let the coochie out of the bag. I didn’t know if I was the one on shrooms or if Jodie Foster was the one on shrooms? Or both!

Jodie went on about how she came out to her friends and family a million years ago, but that was before hos declared “YUP, I’M GAY!” on the cover of People Magazine, so she never told the public. And then she name checked Honey Boo Boo. via Towleroad

“I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago, back in the stone age. In those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends, and family, coworkers and then gradually, proudly, to everyone who knew her. To everyone she actually met. But now, apparently I’m told, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a primetime reality show. You guys might be surprised, but I’m not Honey Boo Boo child.”

Do I laugh? Do I cry? Do I let out a “DUH?!” Do I praise St. Rojo Caliente for Jodie finally declaring her love of snatch? I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know what was going on in that speech. I’ll just do what Mel Gibson did:

Yes, that’s Mel’s “Wait, I worked with a lesbian?” face.

But seriously, that is how you come out. You come out in a rambling, magical and weird coming out speech where you namedrop Honey Boo Boo. Congrats to Jodie and congrats to Honey Boo Boo!

ICYMI: Tina Fey & Amy Poehler Putting A Burn On James Cameron

We’re halfway through the Golden Globes and if you’re playing the Amy & Tina drinking game, then you’re probably doing a steady 55mph on the booze highway while making you’re way to Drinkville. And you’re probably shaped like a giant meatball sub, because you swallowed one giant meatball sub whole after hearing someone thank Harvey Weinstein. Make room for another, because I’m sure somebody else is going to thank his ass. If you’re playing your own drinking game, then there’s probably fifteen empty bottles of Strawberry Hill and a comatose hooker on the floor, because I know how you are. You drunk!

Here’s Amy and Tina busting out poses on the red carpet earlier tonight and I’m sure they totally planned to look like a lesbian couple going to a daytime wedding in a backyard garden in 1956. And if you missed Amy and Tina’s opening monologue, it’s below these block of words. Wait, there’s two of them saying words, so I can’t call it a monologue. Do I call it a DOSologue? Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, if you missed their opening DOSologue, it’s below these block of words:

And they should each get a Golden Globe for yanking James Franco’s taint and James Cameron’s droopy taint in the same monologue….I mean DOSologue.

Don’t Ever Forget The “E” In Anne Hathaway’s Name

While accepting the award for Best Singing While Ugly Crying in a Movie at the Critics’ Choice Awards last night, Anne Hathaway (or as my mom calls her, “Anne Haddaway,” which always makes me think of this) let a trick know that she’s not happy that they spelled her name wrong. In the nominees video package that played before Eddie Redmayne announced that she won, Anne’s name was spelled as “Ann.” Ann grabbed the trophy and set a bitch right:

“This is a bittersweet moment for me because I have this award, but you spelled my name wrong. It is with an “e.” It’s probably in bad taste for me to point that out here, but um… I’m sorry I don’t mean to be gauche.”

You might think that AnnE was just joking, but AnnE wasn’t joking. As soon as she left the Critics’ Choice Awards, she found herself a voodoo witch to cast a black magic spell on the not-knowing dumb whore who screwed her name up. They will never forget the “e” ever again. Every time they sit on the toilet to do a #2, they’re going to shit out e-shaped poops. Every time they spit, they’re going to spit up e-shaped saliva drops. Every time they pour Cheerios into their cereal bowl, they’re going to pour out e-shaped CheeriEs. Every time they turn on the TV, the only channel that will come up will be E! Every time their weed man shows up for a delivery, he’ll open up his bag and say, “Sorry, the only thing I’ve got right now is E.” They’ll never escape the “e.“

And on a different note, I finally saw Les Misercryingandsinging. The little boy who played Gavroche should be getting all of the awards instead of Ann “Don’t Forget The E, Bitch” Hathaway. He did the best impersonation of Kingston Rossdale I’ve ever seen.

This Is The Look: Jennifer Lawrence At The People’s Choice Awards

I didn’t watch the People’s Choice Awards last night, because the people’s choices suck and mostly because I had to focus all of my attention on the single most important television event of this decade. I’m talking about Stars in Danger: The High Dive starring Antonio Zapata Jr., Bethany Hamilton, the blueprint for Jerri Blank’s face and some dude who came in second on So You Think You Can Dance. I was hoping to watch a high-speeding train crash directly into the shallow end, but that mess was about as boring as a solo game of Marco Polo, which yes, I have played before.

I should’ve watched the People’s Choice Awards instead, because then I would’ve seen Jennifer Lawrence’s hot wreck of a dress in action. Jennifer was there to pick up some Things Remembered trophy for a made up award that doesn’t matter, but at least she brought the glamour. If Oksana Baiul skated to the Dynasty theme song as Alexis Carrington, this is what she would wear as her costume. If Jennifer Lawrence didn’t slap down a basic blonde, steal a bitch’s man and become the majority shareholder of her arch rival’s company last night, I’ll be severely disappointed with her. Because you should only wear a hot dress like that if you want to slap a trick, home wreck a family and take over a company.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s People’s Choice Award. Taylor Swift really showed Harry Styles what he’s missing out on (read: nothing). In order: Alexis Lawrence, Tempestt Bledsoe, Heidi Klum, Ian Somerhalder, Tater Head with her piece, Taylor Swift, a vision of pure class, Raven in man drag, Jared Padalecki, Quinton Aaron with his rumored piece, Matt Boner, Lea Michele and Naomi Watts.