The 2012 Emmy Winners Presented By Kat Dennings’ Chichis

Since today’s theme is turning into cleavage of all kinds, here’s Kat Dennings hiking her chichi balls up so high that the feet of the angels can practically touch them. The Emmys should’ve opened last night with Kat and Christina Hendricks trying to hug, because that would’ve been a real show. It would’ve looked like four baby sumo wrestlers head butting each other over and over again. No, the Emmys didn’t do that. They decided to hand out a bunch of awards to a bunch of boring ass shows instead.

You know what would’ve been easier? If they just showed a live shot of a dump truck backing up into Honey Boo Boo Chile’s front lawn and dumping hundreds upon hundreds of trophies in front of her house. The Emmys can retire forever, because no other show will come close to reaching the levels of artistic excellence that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has reached. Just give Mama June all the Emmys and everyone can go home.

But the dumb bitches at the Emmys didn’t do that either. They spent 3 hours passing out trophies and you can click here for a full list, but I threw some of the winners after the cut. If you say the line “Should’ve been Mama June’s Forklift Foot” after reading each winner’s name, you’d be telling nothing but the truth! GO!

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
(Side note: This definitely should’ve been one of Mama June’s chins or Glitzy.)

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program
The Amazing Race

Outstanding Host For A Reality Or Reality-Competition Program
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Damian Lewis, Homeland

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Claire Danes, Homeland

Outstanding Writing For A Variety Special
Louis C.K., Live At The Beacon Theatre

Outstanding Variety Series
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or A Movie
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Tom Berenger, Hatfields & McCoys

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Julianne Moore, Game Change

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Kevin Costner, Hatfields & McCoys

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
Game Change

Outstanding Drama Series
Homeland

Outstanding Comedy Series
Modern Family

And here’s just a few pictures from last night (and yes, as soon as I stop spending all my money on lube and weed, I’m going to pay someone to redo the broke ass gallery): Kat Dennings with Nick Zano, Jessica Lange, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Aaron Paul, Damian Lewis, Claire Danes, Julianne Moore, Louis C.K., Keith Urban with Nicole Kidman, Hayden Pantywhatevers, Zooey Deschanel, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Judd, Julianne Marguiles, Lucy Liu, Emily from Revenge, Glenn Close, Dr. Blossom, Kelly Osbourne, Peter Dinklage, Heidi Klum, Morena Baccarin, Edie Falco, Ellen & Portia, Lena Dunham and Tina Fey with her husband Jeff Richmond.

Lincoln From Prison Break And Eden From Nip/Tuck Are Doing It

I don’t know how or why this happened, but for the past few days Prison Break’s Dominic Purcell and 90210’s Annalynne McCord have been canoodling, handnoodling, mouthnoodling, crotchnoodling and doing every other kind of noodling all over Los Angeles. 41-year-old Dom, who is a father of quatro, got a divorce 3 years ago and 24-year-old (tomorrow) Annalynne recently pushed her chocha away from giant muscle Kellan Lutz. And now Dom and Annalynne are the couple that random purged up.

Everybody’s gotta feed their genitals and put dick on the table, so the only thing I can hate on for now is Dom’s battle against the hot. Staches and undermouth clit buffers work for some, but it doesn’t work for Dom. Dude looks like a trust fund hipster trying to look like a Midwestern gas station clerk who masturbates into taxidermy boxes. It’s not working. Dom needs to get into some shave love and let his octagon jaw be great!

Here’s more of random’s favorite couple of the week hugging on the ho stroll after Annalynne got bikini egged on the set of 90210.

An Emmy Nomination For Miss Blankenship Is A Win For Us All

The Emmy nominations were hollered out from Hollywood this morning and they get a whole lot of “FUCK OFFs” from me for not honoring Ma’s cigarette from Ma’s Roadhouse, Paz de la Huerta’s merkin, who ever shot up Justin Bieber in that episode of CSI, the baby in Shameless, every single graceful flower in My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding for Best Comedy Performance and (insert the name of anybody who showed their nalgas, launched an F bomb or got face-falling drunk).

But they did get something right! They nominated Miss Blankenship from Mad Men for always having the liquor and knowing that a wig is best when it’s cocked the side a little. Oh, and they also did right by nominating nearly every bitch from The Kennedys for having to act opposite Katie Holmes. Here’s a few of the nominations below, but jump here if really need to see all of them.

Outstanding Drama Series
Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Game of Thrones
The Good Wife
Mad Men

Outstanding Comedy Series
Big Bang Theory
Glee
Modern Family
The Office
Parks and Recreation
30 Rock

Outstanding Actress in a Drama
Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Mariska Harigtay, Law and Order: SVU
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama
Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale, Justified
Michelle Forbes, The Killing
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men

Outstanding Actor in a Drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
John Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Timothy Olyphant, Justified

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Walton Goggins, Justified
John Slattery, Mad Men
Andrew Braugher, Men of a Certain Age

Outstanding Actress in a Comedy
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Laurie Linney, The Big C
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy
Jane Lynch, Glee
Betty White, Hot In Cleveland
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock

Outstanding Actor in a Comedy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Louis C.K., Louie
Steve Carrell, The Office
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy
Chris Colfer, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Outstanding Reality Show
The Amazing Race
American Idol
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Comedy
Idris Elba, The Big C
Nathan Lane, Modern Family
Zach Galifianakis, Saturday Night Live
Justin Timberlake, Saturday Night Live
Matt Damon, 30 Rock
Will Arnett, 30 Rock

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy
Kristin Chenoweth, Glee
Dot-Marie Jones, Glee
Gwyneth Paltrow, Glee
Cloris Leachman, Raising Hope
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Elizabeth Banks, 30 Rock

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Drama
Cara Buono, Mad Men
Mary McDonnell, The Closer
Joan Cusack, Shameless
Loretta Devine, Grey’s Anatomy
Randee Heller, Mad Men
Julia Stiles, Dexter
Alfre Woodard, True Blood

Outstanding Reality Host
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With the Stars
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Jeff Probst, Survivor
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

Mildred Pierce got 21, Mad Men got 19, Boardwalk Empire got 18 and Modern Family has 17. RuPaul’s Drag Race: 0. The Emmy hos can sashay away into the Fuck Off Lounge for that one too.