A Strange Thing Happened Yesterday…

Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.

If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.

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Alicia Keys Gave Birth To Her Second Baby With Swizz Beatz

According to UsWeekly, Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz (a man whose name will always make me think of Planters Cheez Balls) became the parents of their second kid yesterday when she pushed out a baby boy. Alicia and Swizz announced the arrival of their new baby and little brother of 4-year-old Egypt by throwing up what looks like a birth certificate from Buttons the Clown Memorial Hospital on Instagram earlier today:

So Alicia and Swizz Cheese’s new baby is named Genesis Ali Dean. I’m just going to go ahead and assume they chose those names because they’re huge fans of both Sega Genesis and Ali Larter. Then again, their kids are Egypt and Genesis, so it’s probably because they’re really into The Bible or something. Either way, I’m sure Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel are thrilled. Congrats, Baby Genesis! I think you just earned free tickets to every Genesis reunion tour for the rest of your life!

Pic: Instagram

Alicia Keys Is Knocked Up Again

Professional Alexis Mateo impersonator Alicia Keys posted this picture of her and her husband Swizz Beatz looking like Restoration Hardware’s version of The Heart Family to Instagram last night (via UsWeekly) to announce that he’d pumped her full of jizz beatz and she caught a case of fetus fever. Alicia captioned the photo:

What in the hell is that joorey he’s wearing around his neck? He looks like a damn Dracula.

NO! She said this:

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life @therealswizzz!! And to make it even sweeter we’ve been blessed with another angel on the way!! You make me happier than I have ever known! Here’s to many many more years of the best parts of life!

Alicia Keys and Swizz Cheese have been married for four years now and already have a 3-year-old son named Egypt Daoud Dean, so I fully expect them to bring the fuckery when it comes to naming baby number two. They picked an African country for the first name and a weird spelling of a common name for the middle, so currently my money is on Libya Maolissa if it’s a girl and Djibouti Kevoin for a boy. Or maybe they’ll stick with the Egypt theme, in which case I hope they name the baby Sphinx Ankh [symbol of a guy doing this] Mummy Dean (“Oh please oh please oh please let me help you design the nursery???” – Katy Perry).

Pic: Instagram

Alicia Keys Ruins The Gummi Bears Theme Song

I really can’t stand any of Alicia Keys‘ songs, because they all sound like commercials to me. Examples: “Empire State of Mind” is a song for the New York State tourism board. “You Don’t Know My Name” is a song for Ginkgo Biloba and/or Alzheimer’s medications. “Superwoman” is a song for Kotex and/or Centrium Silver for Women. And “Girl On Fire” is a song for Gonorrhea awareness.

And now I’m really mad at Alicia, because she just had to ruin the magical and wondrous Gummi Bear theme song by screaming it out on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night. It wasn’t not funny and it wasn’t not necessary. Just because Alicia ruined a trick’s marriage doesn’t mean she has to ruin everything else including a piece of my childhood. Alicia better stay away from the Muppet Babies theme song AND the Beverly Hills Teens theme song.

If you need something to clean your ears out, here you go:

Today’s Look Of Understated Elegance Brought To You By Heidi Klum

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the “house girl” of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn’t tie up like a pair of sneakers, you’re doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you’d get if one of Elvis’ jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn’t happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song – Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe
Best New Act – One Direction
Best Female Act – Taylor Swift
Best Male Act – Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act – Justin Bieber
Best Live Act – Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop – Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act – Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act – David Guetta
Best Alternative Act – Lana Del Rey
Best Video – Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look – Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans – One Direction
Best Worldwide Act – Han Geng
Best World Stage – Justin Bieber
Best Push – Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon – Whitney Houston

I’m sure that’s exactly what the Grammys’ winners list will look like next year.

And here’s some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Alicia Keys Gave Birth To Egypt

The image of Alicia Keys pushing the pyramids, the Great Sphinx of Giza, a herd of camels and Charlton Heston as Moses out of her chocha is not what I wanted to toast my Friday night with, but now I am because she gave birth to a baby boy and named him Egypt Daoud Dean. What in the name of Tutankhamun’s mummified taint is right…

Alicia’s rep tells E! Online that Alicia and her husband Swizz Beatz welcomed a new kid into their arms in NYC last night. Her rep didn’t have shit to say about the name Egypt, but they said that “Daoud, pronounced da-ood, is Arabic for David, and is Beatz’s middle name.”

Egypt is Alicia’s first kid and is Swizz’s fourth….that he knows of.

You know, I’m going to let the name go and let it scurry out the school yard, because that child has more serious shit to deal with right now. I mean, imagine opening up your eyes for the first time and seeing Swizz Beatz’ toucan beak! Baby probably somehow learned how to do the Holy Mary thinking that beak was going to gobble him up. Or maybe he got excited thinking he’s now gonna get a lifetime supply of Fruit Loops. Let’s hope it was the latter.